The Star Without Glow
by shuusetsu
Summary: Working as an extra in movies and dramas for ten years, Kisa Shouta unconsciously had given up the notion that one day, he'd become the focus of the camera. In life, in career, even in his relationships, he's this unnoticed existence. Until one day, superstar Yukina Kou came into the scene. Kisa thought acting with the superstar behind camera would not hurt him. But he was wrong.
1. Chapter 1

**The Star Without Glow**

* * *

He was standing in the sidelines. Asked to be on time at exactly 5 in the morning for the shooting, he hurriedly came and patiently waited. But it was now 10 in the morning and his scene still hasn't come around. He sighed. Being an 'extra' wasn't that easy as it sounds.

"Uhm...excuse me..." Kisa Shouta dared call the director who had 'pissed' written all over his face. "May I ask when is scene eleven starting?"

A bearded, brusque man looked up from the scripts on his lap and scowled. "I will call the extras when needed! Don't go interrupting me damn it!"

Kisa Shouta bowed and turned around. He wasn't hurt or offended. That director was known for his temper anyways. The thing that was just bothering him was the time. Today was important after all.. If this shooting drags on until the evening, he'd have serious problems.

Kisa passed by a full body mirror behind the set. He looked ridiculous. He was in a high school uniform even when he just turned thirty. He was short, his facial features really didn't develop into a more manly one, and even his voice just remained on that timber one would be having at puberty. Some even teased that maybe time stopped for him.

"Tsk..."

His role was one of those who'd drop dead after a psychopath started slashing a katana in the middle of the streets. After that, he'd be one of the lankees of the Yakuza Boss who'd die too in the hands of the lead actor. Period. No lines whatsoever.

_"Sometimes, a passerby, one of those who walk behind the leads. Or one who dies unfortunate deaths without even having 10 seconds of air time..."_ Kisa thought almost pitying himself. _"Been ten years as an extra in movies or dramas...nothing changed even a bit. I doubt someone even knows my name."_

Kisa sat again on the sides, watching the filming of the 2nd scene. Everyone was quiet. Everyone had their own breaths bated at the somewhat sensual, still somewhat natural bed scene going on before them.

"Hotaru..." said the lead actor. "You know you'd regret this later..."

"I know that I am just one of the many...I know that..."

"I don't love you," the lead actor murmured so softly that the effect was it doubled the pain. "I've never and will never..."

The woman under the man, pretty and youthful gave a sad smile. "I'm alright...all you have to do is pretend, pretend for me...pretend that you've forgotten her...that's all I'm asking..."

People belonging to different groups such as maintenance, set designs and make-ups stared. Most of the women were teary eyed. The men were staring at the tears of the lead actress that looked crystalline in the dim lighting.

"Pretend that you love me..." Kisa whispered. He had memorized that actress's line from hearing it over and over. "Pretend that it's only me. And the memories will be forever etched in me...a proof that once, I was able to take hold of what I really want..."

"I pity you Hotaru..." said the lead actor, before moving as if thrusting into the woman.

Dainty arms circled around the sweaty back of the man, they made love. But Kisa wasn't seeing anything from this point on. 'I pity you'. That hit him hard. It was as if that line was made solely for him.

* * *

The lighting was perfect. It created shadows at just the right angles, making both the lead actor and actress look as if they were really naked under the blankets. What was more amazing was the unmasked lust portrayed on both's faces. Professionals must be really at a different level.

Broad back, pretty back lines, awesome collar bones, real drops of sweat shone from the lightings. The natural movements, the fake moans the woman made, the passionate grunts of the man, gave Kisa goosebumps.

The camera man zoomed out slowly, circling the couple on the bed slowly until he focused at the single flower petal that naturally fell from the stems of a flower prop.

"CUUUUUUUUUUUT!"

That came from the director, almost jumping up and down from where he was standing.

"AWESOME! GOOD JOB! Yukina-san! Hanasono-san!" he chimed. "That was beautiful!"

The whole set finally could breath. Everyone was happy. The lead actress sat on the bed, showing that she was in bikinis. The lead actor smiled, bowing a little at the praises without care of his half-nakedness in front of everyone.

_"He sure got talent..."_ Kisa thought.

At first, Kisa wasn't really keen about that certain new and young actor. One day, a certain Yukina Kou just emerged from the movie industry and had taken it over. He's got a wonderful body and an awesome face so he right away had pierced many women's hearts. Kisa only thought that much. A handsome face from a rich family who had nothing to do and decided to kill time by being an actor.

That changed though from day one of the filming and Kisa saw it with his two eyes. Yukina Kou was a sinfully talented actor.

* * *

"Okay! Wrap up!"

Kisa Shouta who didn't notice that he had fallen asleep like a beggar at the corner of the set awoke with a start.

"Huh? Wrap up?!"

A woman carrying suitcases of one of the movie actors passed by and smiled at the raven.

"Too bad Kisa-san, I heard there needs to be sunlight for the eleventh scene. It's going to be filmed tomorrow..."

Kisa must have looked dumb that he just stared into space.

"You're still in the habit of falling asleep anywhere...are you that tired?"

The raven only smiled and bowed for the information. He was angry. This director doesn't care about the small shots at all. It was frustrating and it rubs against his pride. But what can he do to complain when he was just an extra that can be easily replaced?

"Damn it..." he hissed as he went at the lockers where he left his stuff. "It's late and I've got to prepare for our anniversary..."

Kisa was moving in a rushed manner. He didn't even bother going to the changing rooms and just took off the school uniform where he was standing. Left by the other extras, Kisa changed into the silence. That silence was broken by his phone though.

"Agh...damnit...my shoelaces..."

Not wanting to waste anymore time, Kisa looked around first and decided to put his phone in loud speaker.

"Oh Kazu...I'm just about to leave the set...I'll be fast."

_"Shouta..."_

Kisa who was currently tying his shoelaces paused. He knew that timber of voice. A sound of seriousness. One that made him nervous. Because this was how it's always been. He knew already what this was about. But he pretended dumb.

"What's wrong?"

_"I called to say I won't be coming tonight."_

"Ah...then...we can just celebrate any other day..."

_"I won't be coming back anymore."_

Kisa bit his bottom lip. It wasn't like he was greatly hurt or shocked. He just thought that after playing for so long, this guy might probably be the one he could settle with until he gets wrinkled and old. Turns out, he was wrong. Again.

"Ne...Kazu..." Kisa started slowly and softly.

_"Y-yes?"_

"ASSHOLE!" Kisa screamed the loudest he could, wanting to atleast break that man's eardrums. "I FORGAVE YOU SO MANY TIMES AND THIS IS HOW YOU'D END THIS?! AT THE DAY OF OUR ANNIVERSARY NO LESS?! FUCKING ASSHOLE! WHAT'S THE REASON?! WHAT'S THE FUCKING REASON?!"

When Kisa noticed, the call has long been since ended by the other line. And he was left alone huffing and lethargic. Tying his shoelaces seemed suddenly pointless.

"Asshole..." Kisa continued cursing not because of hurt or anything. The real thing he was cursing was his fate probably. It was only one evidence that in life, even in his relationships, he'd just be a character that really doesn't matter and would just disappear without being noticed. "Shit..."

* * *

"What's the point of waiting for her when she doesn't even know your existence?" Kisa asked. He had a sullen expression. His eyes dead serious, the empty wine glass in his hand looked that it had contents for real. "Ne, this gang war for just a mere woman isn't worth it."

The man with jet black eyes and long hair, frowned. He stood and readied himself punching Kisa. But he stopped midair. And started laughing.

"Gomen Kisa! I forgot my line! What was that again?"

Kisa shook his head. _"_Mou...'_I was brought by fighting for what I want engraved in me' _isn't it?"

The long-haired guy smiled. "Sorry...I'm still groggy from lack of sleep. Thanks for helping me."

Shaking his head, Kisa waived a hand. "I wonder how you got this far? You take so long memorizing your lines."

Reaching out to Kisa's both shoulders, the long-haired dude grinned. "That's why you're my oasis! You know everyone's lines in this movie that I can have a good practice before the real thing!"

"Ha..." Kisa exasperatedly sighed. "Is that my only purpose in life? To be a practice partner of you big-shots?"

"Aww...Kisa so cute..."

Kisa knew this long-haired idiot with a screen name Kagetora Hizaya was just a plain out-going guy. He'd hug anyone in the open without malice. Actually, Kisa'd been to most of this dude's movies. Although again he was just an extra.

So one Kagetora Hizaya placed together with a Yukina Kou, throw in an angelic Hanasono Mikawa in a yakuza, love themed movie and they got a one big project already gaining so much popularity. One movie that was very looked forward to come winter of the same year.

The raven checked his wrist watch. It was almost 12 and his scene was as usual delayed. So most of what he was doing was loiter around, help those having problems with their lines or poke around the set and see what he could do to kill time. He just had broken up with his boyfriend last night. His schedule had just opened up even more.

The indoor scenes of the movie were being filmed inside the studios. They only go out for outdoor shots which would be taken after all the indoor ones and would be combined by the editing team.

So far, Kisa could tell which belonged to the same team as he and those who weren't. He was bored after all. This was one of his past times aside from unconsciously memorizing the characters' lines.

"Straight..." Kisa mumbled as he eyed the guys fixing the set for the yakuza meeting scene. "Straight...straight...ah..." the raven narrowed his eyes. "Hello comrade..."

Unlike what has been being portrayed in the media, gay acceptance was just a nice-act. Behind the scenes, normal word-plays and bullying could happen. And if it is one with a no-name, the more the seclusion. So Kisa never gave the impression he was gay.

"Oh there you are Shoucchan!"

"Who are you calling Shoucchan?"

"You of course!"

Kisa sighed. The voice was from Kagetora. The handsome, clingy guy who was one of the two lead actors in the movie.

"Wut? Can't still memorize your lines Kagetora-san?"

The longhaired man squatted before Kisa to make an eye level and grinned.

"It's not me," Kagetora started patting Kisa on the head like a small child. "You see, Mikicchan is going to be late today and Koucchan has always been practicing with Mikicchan before the shoot. That's why they can pull the scenes very well."

"Huh? Mikicchan? Koucchan?" Kisa frowned. "Can you stop talking like an infant and speak nihongo?"

Kagetora Hizaya gazed at Kisa's eyes for a long while. The boyish smile was gone. The playful act disappeared. All he did was just stare.

"K-Kagetora?"

"Kisa. You're getting cuter and cuter in my eyes. Did you do something to me?"

"HA?" Kisa pushed Kagetora on the shoulder and stood. "Quit joking around. So where's this Koucchan I need to help?"

Kagetora smiled as he stood. He then hugged Kisa gently, so much differently from the playing kind he always did.

"Don't be swept by that guy's acting alright? You initially belong to me after all."

The raven laughed. "Moron. Stop clinging to me. If your fans see this, they'd kill me."

Kisa looked to the man's neck that smelled so good. He wondered why he can't feel any attraction to this godlike man at all when he was this perfect?

"Play Hanasono-san's part...so that Yukina can get in the zone before she arrives."

"With Yukina you say? Seriously?"

"Hmmm...I wanted to boast you around. About how much you know everyone's lines here...And when the director heard this, he told me to come and get you and let you assist Yukina. I don't feel good about it though..."

Kisa and Kagetora started walking side by side. Although there were times Kagetora was hard to read, he's actually one of the guys Kisa was comfortable with. Kagetora was a big star, but everytime the man learns Kisa was in his movies, extra or not, Kagetora always made sure to fool around with Kisa. So they came as friends. Although most people couldn't understand why Kagetora was bothering so much time to a no-name extra.

"I heard Yukina is a pro who gets to memorize his lines in just one glance?" Kisa asked.

"Well, that's really true..." Kagetora replied. "But he'd been messing his lines all morning that the director's getting worried."

* * *

Kisa who was about to step in the scene where the heartthrob Yukina Kou was waiting, had been grabbed by a lady with a sly grin.

"W-what is it?" Kisa almost shouted. "That scared me..."

"Ehehe..." the woman smiled. "Well...this is Hanasono-san's part you're playing right? Why not look like a bit of a girl for the part?"

"Ha?" Kisa frowned. "There's no need, is there? I just have to say her lines and act a bit."

Kagetora who was watching on the sides started laughing. "Yeah, do it! Do it! I'd love to see that!"

The woman who looked so esctatic poured her magic but she wasn't able to force the latter into wearing girl's clothing. In the end, Kisa stepped on the scene with a touch of make up and his fake long hair flowing silkily behind him.

_"This isn't really needed at all...what's with that woman...?"_

The director with a deep frown noticed Kisa coming. He looked caught off-guard for a moment before he cleared his throat.

"Yukina-san...you can...he's here."

Yukina Kou was wearing a plain white shirt, seemingly in low spirits. He frowned at the script he was holding and raised his gaze towards the 'practice partner' that he really didn't want. But the director insisted. And he just didn't have the energy to protest after all.

"Hello. I'm Kisa. I am one of the extras at a couple of the scenes in the movie so you might not know me," Kisa pleasantly started. "I'd do my best to assist you, although I doubt I would be of much help for a big star as you."

Yukina Kou was left staring. For some reason, a shade of surprise passed in his eyes before he flashed those killer smiles.

"I'm Yukina Kou. Glad to be of your acquaintance."

The tall man brushed his hair backwards and looked at his scripts. "I heard you know everyone's lines here, including Hanasono-san's?"

"Ah...somehow..."

"Then, can we try doing the lines from here," Yukina moved closer to Kisa, pointing at the text that he wanted to try doing with the 'practice partner'.

Kisa smiled, forgetting his face with make-up and his hair on his shoulders.

The moment Kisa drew a deep breath, the atmosphere around him changed. His eyes round with unmasked sadness, his every pacing on the floor with gracefulness.

"I knew it..." the woman who fixed Kisa into a 'girl' whispered excitedly. "Kisa-san looks like Enamoto Kia-san..."

Kagetora who had his arms crossed, eyes fixed at the long-haired raven in the center of the set cocked his head to the side. "Enamoto Kia?"

"Hmm," the make-up artist nodded with sparkle in her eyes. "Enamoto Kia...is Yukina Kou-san's non-showbusiness girlfriend."

"Huh?"

"But there is a rumor on going that Enamoto Kia-san eloped with her driver last night you know?"

Another make-up artist jumped between Kagetora and the woman. "Ah! I heard that too. That's maybe why Yukina-san is out of it. But seriously? That Enamoto Kia must be crazy...she left_ the _Yukina Kou and went with her driver instead?"

"I heard from someone that they've been sweethearts since middle school..."

"I don't get how rich kids think. She's an elite from a prestigious family too right? She chose her driver instead? The world is flipping out."

The gossiping continued. But Kagetora wasn't listening anymore.

Kagetora's smile had long since faded and he had serious eyes fixed at Kisa. _"No wonder that Yukina stared at Shoucchan that way earlier..."_

For the first time, due to this sudden need for a 'line partner', the center of attention had become Kisa Shouta together with that man who seemed to have stepped out from a marvelous painting Yukina Kou. Kisa was not aware though. He just did what he did when practicing with Kagetora sometimes, or with a less actor or actress. But that moment, many were enthralled. For such were Kisa's difference. It was as if he was a different person.

"Remember I said that I am fine being your toy?" Kisa said, from the depths of his memory they came out naturally from his lips. "I must have sounded so stupid..."

Yukina Kou bowed his head. So long as if waiting for the proper time. When he looked up, there was anger in his eyes.

"I don't have the time to listen to your lovesick thoughts Hotaru..." Yukina hissed. "You'd gain nothing from it...nothing..."

Kisa walked to where Yukina was seated and slowly lifted the man's face with his hands. Such gesture was gently done, the soft smile playing on Kisa's lips piercing.

"I know. I don't mind being a toy. Coz toys, get to be loved at some point."

The man on the bed hastily stood, his movements unforeseen. Before everyone knew it, Yukina Kou had already pinned the other down the large, messy bed.

"So you're okay being my toy?"

The hands squeezing on Kisa's neck were seemingly tight. Kisa coughed, he acted being suffocated. But he managed to smile.

"Hai..."

"Do you know..." Yukina started moving closer to Kisa's face. Inch by inch, with a deathly glare, he stopped just centimeters away from the other's lips. "The only ever good thing I was when I was a kid and up until now...is breaking my toys beyond repair..."

In the script, after that line, Yukina Kou would plant a ravishing kiss on his leading actress. But he only moved just a breath closer and pulled back.

"Wow...that line was the one Yukina Kou has been forgetting earlier! He nailed it perfectly this time!" one of the assistant directors beamed.

Kisa sat on the bed and sighed. That was intense he thought. Ah but he enjoyed it. When will he ever get the chance to lie under such a handsome, big shot actor anyway?

"Are you okay?" Yukina asked with a smile. "Did it hurt when I grabbed you down on the bed?"

The raven shook his head. "No it's fine."

"But I am so surprised...you pulled me into your acting Kisa-san."

"I should say _you _are the one who pulled me into your acting. It's such a privilege."

"Thanks to you...for some reason my lines started getting stuck in my head again."

"No problem."

Just as everyone was buzzing around, chatting and enjoying the feel that line practice brought, a haggard looking man with curly hair came running into the set.

"Gomenasai!" he shouted bowing. "Hanasono Mikawa-san is already here! She's in the make-up room and will be ready for the scene!"

At the cue, the people in the set started moving to their own posts. Props check, lighting checks, and camera angles. Kisa's fame was short. But he was alright. He enjoyed it. And he watched the scene he practiced with Yukina Kou being done by the real actress Hanasono-san.

"Shoucchan..." Kagetora suddenly emerged beside Kisa, having a thoughtful look. "Great job earlier."

"Really? Thanks."

"You're really good at acting. You can give your own interpretations...so why..."

Kisa sighed. "Why have I not become a huge name?"

Kagetora glanced at the shorter guy beside him.

"What do you think of my face? Seriously?"

"Uhm...young-looking? Cute?"

"Yup. That's the initial reaction. But Kagetora, you know this already, 'cute' things do not have lasting impressions. For men, being 'cute' is passing. What really sell are the likes of you and Yukina. Handsome, manly oozing with that sex appeal the viewers are craving for...that's reality for me."

Kagetora reached out to the fake hair on Kisa's shoulders. "You've made a very lasting impression on me though..."

"Huh? Is that a pick up line? Are you turned on by my wig or something?"

"Idiot..." Kagetora grinned. "Then, I'll go to my taping at the other set. See yah around."

"Hmm, see yah."

* * *

In the dressing room which was separated from the dressing room of the big stars, Kisa sat in front of the vanity. He touched the long black hair dangling flawlessly over his shoulders and somehow felt depressed.

_"I am not the kind of homo who enjoys looking like a girl though..."_ he thought. The eleventh scene he had been waiting for was finished in an instant. He just stood on the street, waited for the villain and just dropped dead on the ground. _"The director thought it would be heartrending if its an innocent girl who died on the spot. So he insisted I keep this annoying hair...he's going out of his mind."_

"Oh...Kisa-san, good work today!" another extra came. "That new look suits you."

Kisa grinned with his brows twitching. "Haa..sou?"

"Yep yep."

Many other came and every single one of them teased him how better it would be if he remained like that forever. The more he heard that, the more pissed he became. Tired of dealing with them, he just decided to go with the flow.

"Yeah, yeah...if I could earn more money with wearing this, I would wear this forever. I'm pretty broke."

The others laughed while waiving goodbyes. Everyone just wanted to go home and have rests after all. Kisa, slumped deeper down his seat and looked up. Having no boyfriend, no reason to go home early made him this free? He didn't want to go home or go anywhere. And by the minute, the loneliness he was trying to avoid finally got a hold of him when everything turned silent.

"I'm dang tired..." he whispered as he started gathering make-up wipes from his bag. "Hurry take this off it's so heavy on my face..."

Kisa was busy wiping off the mascara on his lashes when he heard the door click open. He looked behind him but the view was obstructed by a huge cabinet serving as the partition from the entrance to the vanity side.

_"I thought everyone already has gone home?" _Kisa thought. "Hello? Who's there? Did you forget something?"

No one replied and Kisa didn't pry any further. He continued cleaning up his face but he almost dropped the small mirror in his hand when he saw who was standing beside the partition.

"Yukina-san? I thought you went home with every body else a long time ago?"

Yukina didn't say anything and just continued looking at Kisa through the reflection of the mirror.

"You guys went drinking right? Celebrating someone's birthday right?"

When Yukina still didn't answer, Kisa gave up. He started pulling off the clips that secured the wig off his natural hair. That was when Yukina the mannequin standing there took breath and started moving.

"Don't remove it."

Kisa frowned as he watched Yukina through the mirror slowly approach him. "Ha? Why would I leave it on? It's hot and itchy..."

Yukina stood behind Kisa's chair and gently reached to Kisa's wig. "Let it on like this."

"Oi? Are you drunk or something? Yukina-san?"

"We had a few drinks...but I am not drunk."

"What could be a huge actor like you be doing here if your head's not filled with booze then?"

The tall man gave a small smile and suddenly just kissed the top of Kisa's head.

"Have you heard of it?" Yukina asked. "Many are saying you look like Kia. I think so too."

Kisa stared at the guy in the mirror behind him. The air they were breathing starting to get thick.

"Ah...that girlfriend of yours? Oh...should I say ex?" he knew of course about the rumors.

Strong arms started circling around Kisa's shoulders, slithering motions, ragged breathing.

"I loved her," Yukina whispered. "I really loved her..."

The raven sitting started getting stiff as he watched this supposedly unreachable actor lick his neck.

"What do you want me to do coming at me like this?"

Yukina stopped at nipping and licking and turned the chair around so that Kisa would be facing him directly.

"I'll pay you..." Yukina breathe out. "I'll pay you...I heard you needed more money right? So..."

Kisa closed his eyes. He would definitely be mad had it been said by someone else. But he just allowed everything to happen savoring the warm breath murmuring against his ear. At how Yukina Kou sounded so desperately in need. At how that husky voice was starting to grow on his own lonesome heart.

Kisa smiled, thinking how foolish things had become after hearing the man's request.

"Sure...why not?"

Yukina looked deeply into the raven's eyes as if checking for any jesting. Kisa was serious too. Both of them just got their relationships severed. Why can't they be entitled to some sort of comforting?

_"Wanting to fuck someone who looks like his sweetheart..." _Kisa thought feeling warm hands under his shirt_. "...he asked me to keep the wig on that I hate...and I agreed...we're both nuts..." _

Kisa wanted to laugh. But that laughter had been drowned by even hotter lips shutting him up.

It had been so long since Kisa felt that he was being greatly wanted. Whether this Yukina Kou could do a guy or not, whether he was being the convenient guy, perhaps even if it wasn't Yukina Kou he would still agree and he wouldn't care.

_"I am the desperate one here..."_

Kisa realized just then, how much sad of a person he was.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

thnx for reading, currently writing chapter 4 XD

-shuusetsu


	2. Chapter 2

**The Star Without Glow II**

* * *

Yukina Kou was not a gentleman. Kisa Shouta just realized that when he was brought down the floor unceremoniously.

No sweet words, no sweet preparations and no foreplay. He was surprised at first at the strength the man possessed. He could only stare in disbelief as he was spread open in vulnerability.

One who yearns for his beloved. One who yearns of being needed. They made a temporary convenient combination.

And as soon as Kisa was filled, rationality and gentle-manliness were no more of an issue.

* * *

Half of the movie had almost been completed. Still, the number of works to be done was still a mountain. Various people in different teams flocked the studio sets in and out. Extras come and go, superstars get the most of the treatment. And Kisa on an outside set was just in the sidelines waiting to be called.

"Somehow...my character as an extra is evolving into something irritating..." Kisa whispered as he stared at the frilly dress he was wearing. The usual long black hair was effortlessly flowing down his back. The director took a liking to his fresh character that before he could protest, he was thrown in a dress. It wasn't like he had the room to protest anyway being the extra he was. "But seriously...What is going on with this cross-dressing...?"

Today was a scene that would be taken outside. They were in a building made to look rundown. Kisa was under a shade of an overhang outside while some of the others were under their respective umbrellas. The scenario was quite action packed. Kagetora's character and Yukina's character were supposed to be killing each other in that building.

"Oi...ready the mattress over this stairs...this is where Kagetora-san will fall. And over there..."

Kisa sighed. Dazzling men being fixed into dirty, ragged looking men, sweating from killing each other was Kisa's favorite. He liked it even better when during closeups, in the camera, where real veins would seem to pop up from anger could be seen.

"Yukina-san," the woman stunt director continued. "You jump over from the second floor down here in this circle." The woman instructed as she pointed at a circle on the floor. "The harness of course has already been checked. After that, Kagetora-san, try to look like you could not keep on running anymore so you decided to jump from here to the mattress..."

Kisa again sighed. In that scene, he was one of the happy 'girls' that woud be caught up from the chase. He would act that he fell down on the ground and act annoyed. You know, that usual annoying cutesy girls you'd see anywhere. He doubted that he would even see his face being there so many of them.

Watching the two lead actors, Kisa realized he was staring towards the darkblonde unusually longer.

_"Oi..."_ Kisa could still remember that lingering feeling from his waist to everything below. _"Is this how you treat your girlfriend? No surprise she ran away..."_

Yukina had locked that room from the inside that night. As soon as Kisa agreed, they crashed to the floor, the raven's pants and underwear ripped off from him.

_"Shut up..." _Yukina hissed, pulling the other's spread legs on both of his sides.

Kisa laughed. He got his shirt still on, the floor was hard and cold and his spine was painfully grazing at it. But this darkblonde man didn't care one bit. Even animals could perhaps be more sensual than what the two of them was doing.

"_Oi...wai-"_

In one breath, penetration was complete. Kisa almost screamed. He wanted to tell that rabid beast to don't go moving just yet. But it was muffled by a nice smelling hand, sealing his mouth shut.

Having a hard time to breath, Kisa drew air from his nose. He couldn't tell anymore if the pained low grunts was coming from him or from the guy on top of him.

The one thing that made a haunting impression to Kisa was the look in Yukina's eyes. Yukina seemed like something was squeezing his heart out. His eyes getting very reddish although no tears fell from his eyes. He had such eyes while looking at Kisa, while lovingly touching the long hair that made Kisa and Enamoto Kia almost look the same.

_"Forceful...desperate..."_ Kisa thought as his eyes began to water. _"He thrusts like a maniac but lovingly caresses my head..."_

Kisa closed his eyes. Yukina Kou probably knew that what he was doing was crazy. Deep in his heart he knew this man wasn't Kia. That was why the man was gentle to the face that resembled the lover who eloped. But everything else, he didn't care about at all.

_"Sl-slow down..."_ Kisa gritted, feeling that climax coming from the man inside him. "_Don't come insi-"_

"The moron did though!" Kisa exasperatedly tugged at his skirt and frowned. "What's more unbelievable, he actually pulled cash out of his wallet right after..._am I his whore?!"_

Pale blue eyes wandered from the area of the director towards Kagetora and Yukina going a once over about their action scene. Kisa then stood and walked towards the other extras who were already starting on their positions.

_"Well...agreeing to that kind of thing...maybe makes me a homo with no principles..."_

* * *

Unlike the others, even some of the extras have someone to help them with their stuff. But Kisa was different. He was a lone team of his own. Still in the annoying dress, Kisa took his suitcase and wheeled it towards the van where the other extras would be riding back to the studios.

It was around two in the afternoon. The sun blisteringly hot.

"Hey, little lady...want me to give you a ride?"

Kisa didn't have to look. That annoying, overconfident voice could only come from one person.

"I'd appreciate it if you don't bother with an extra like me. I don't want to get into a gay rumor with you, Kagetora-san."

The man laughed. "Aww...but look at you...aren't you perspiring a lot already? Besides, you're in a girl's clothing now...I'm sure being a gentleman to a cute girl wouldn't hurt my image if this gets leaked."

If anything, Kisa wanted to slap the man with his suitcase if he could. The number of times this big shot star pestering him seem to double than he used to before.

"Stop calling me a 'girl' will you or I'll shove this case down your throat."

He said that, but in the end, Kisa decided to ride in Kagetora's car. The man's a friend anyway superstar or not and his waist hurt after all.

Throwing his belongings at the backseat, Kisa then hopped into the passenger's seat, pulling his wig off down to his lap.

"Aww...such a waste...why'd you remove it?"

"It's itchy and annoying. How the hell can women with long hair stand this?" Kisa complained as he stared at the lenght of the wig on his lap. "It gets into my eyes, sticks on the skin when I sweat...it's just inconvenient!"

Kagetora smirked. "But I see no repulsion when the cam's rolling."

"Well of course. It's my job after all."

"Hey, the seatbelt," Kagetora reminded as he started gaining speed. "Put it on. Or shall I?"

"Thanks. But just focus on your driving will you?"

Kagetora seemed to be in high spirits. Humming here and there with some unfamiliar tune to Kisa.

The drive went on quietly. Kisa let the windows down, fending off the strong smell of smoke inside the car. Based on the state of the car, no matter how eye-catching it was, in the end the insides was a dump like any playboy's car would be.

They passed a busy district of the streets, passed a highway and now entering into the studio premises which were comprised of a couple of hectares.

"Kagetora," Kisa mumbled, eyes far ahead. "Don't you think the lead female character of this movie is annoying?"

The one driving knitted his brows as he was looking for a place to park his car the easiest. "Eh? How so?"

"She's...I don't know. She's okay being a toy? She's okay being tossed away later? Stupid. Her personality sucks."

Kagetora laughed. "Is that so? She's just a devoted female for me though. An ideal partner actually."

"I don't like her. What's with the writer's head making such a martyr character? They don't exist in the real world and I can't symphatize with her at all."

"They do. In fact I might see one soon."

"Huh?"

Kagetora Hizaya then stopped the car. He took his seatbelt off, glanced to his companion and smiled thoughtfully.

"The lead female makes decisions without thinking. She doesn't see anything else aside from what she wants. She's able to accept that not because you love someone, the other would reciprocate the same, but she goes on loving that person anyway. And most of all, she's human. She isn't the 'cute' and 'dumb' stereotype that grazes at my patience. She's brave accepting that she'll continue hurting."

"Exactly. What the fuck's the point then?"

"Hmmm...The point is...loving someone is becoming selfless?"

"That's fiction..."

Kagetora laughed heartily. "Say it's corny and everything, but it's true."

"It's not."

"Because you haven't experienced it yet."

"I'm thirty. The hell are you talking about."

"It isn't about age. You could be a 100 and has not fallen in love for real."

"Enough..."

"I think you and the heroine are pretty much the same in some aspects..."

The raven spat "Give me a break!" before scurrying out the car.

"Yare yare...was it a strike zone?"

* * *

At the fourth floor of the studio where the movie's set was present, there seemed to be a surprise gathering. The directors were in good spirits because of shooting without many obstructions earlier. They ordered chicken and beer from a nearby establishment and had it delivered to the set.

Everyone was happy chatting or eating. They took their own spots to wherever they wanted. Some on the floor, some on the wooden boxes that served as props. Some were standing and some were even almost lying on the action cushions.

The best part was the big actors and actresses were there as well joining the fun.

"Oi...Kisa-san you're late! Come join us!"

Kisa looked to the wide open doors and saw most of the people making up the movie. He was in his normal appearance again and he figured he could probably use this as dinner instead of paying out of his wallet. So with a warm smile, he went in.

"Thanks for your good work!"

"Thanks you've worked hard too!"

Kisa looked into the large table and thought about getting a drumstick or the thigh part. But his eyes were dragged to the three shining jewels at the very center of the set together with the directors. Kagetora Hizaya seemingly have just thrown off a joke and the angelic Hanasono Mikawa was as usual laughing in such a graceful manner. Yukina Kou was smiling too.

It just happened for a split second that Kisa's and Yukina's eyes met. Within that distance, in that split second, they noticed each other's presence. But to Kisa's dismay, Yukina didn't so much as nod or smile or even acknowledge him.

_"Ah...sou...I don't exist without the wig huh?"_

* * *

He had eaten too much. By the heaviness in his stomach to the feeling of wanting to throw up, Kisa knew he went over board with the free food. It was getting late and most of the people were happy to go home earlier than usual. As for Kisa, he decided to walk around a couple more minutes around the studio building to relax his upset stomach.

"I have the script...my wallet...my phone..." Kisa mumbled, peering into his duffel bag so that he could just directly go home after his mild walk. After rummaging at the depths of his bag, he made a disgusted face. "The hell...how did I put this in here without noticing?"

Kisa sighed and scratched the back of his head. Continuing his walk, he decided to go down the thirdfloor using the fire exit. Better use the stairs at a time like this to get his digestion going.

Mindlessly walking down, Kisa suddenly paused.

_"What's that?"_

Very faintly, Kisa could hear voices. Voices of a woman and a man, a few deep sighing too. Curious, Kisa slowly went down, softly almost on his tiptoes. And as he grew nearer, the voices got clearer.

_"Wow...Yukina Kou-san actually gave his side of the rumor that he and his long time girlfriend already has broken up. He insists it wasn't an elopement on the part of Enamoto Kia-san though..."_

When Kisa reached the last couple of the steps, he realized a man sitting on the steps, holding what seemed like a phone.

_"Well...fans say it's because Yukina-san is a gentleman he didn't want bad things going on about his exgirlfriend although they're already over."_

Kisa figured right on the spot that Yukina Kou was watching a late night gossip show. An annoying and irritating show at that. He was surprised that Yukina Kou was just calmly sitting there not cursing at the annoying hosts.

_"One thing's for sure though. The fans are happier that Yukina-san is officially single now. More wild fantasies for them I guess!"_

_"Sou neee~~!"_

Lamely, Yukina Kou turned his phone off and just stared into space. The depressed back of the man spoke so many things to Kisa, making him remember the pained expression the darkblonde man had back then.

Kisa looked into his bag shortly. Cursing himself why he was even doing this kind of service to this superstar with some long hair fetish. Kisa grabbed the wig from his bag and wore it. He wondered if his face really change that much with long or short hair. But it was most probably because it was a 'tool'.

Well of course. That wig probably made it easier for the man to convince himself that the person he was holding was a woman instead of a man. When you're mind is tired and your chest is in chaos, it isn't that hard to use even the simplest things and use it for one's convenience.

Kisa drew a deep breath and exhaled very slowly.

"Why is such a big named guy like you be moping here in the fire exit?"

The man sitting didn't answer. In fact he acted like he didn't hear anything.

"You got some personality problems you know?" Kisa said as he plopped down on the same step where Yukina was sitting.

When Yukina noticed the guy beside him had the wig on, he looked away, like a child in a tantrum.

"What are you doing parading with that thing on?"

Kisa stared up the single bulb lighting the area. "Because this is the only way to get you talk to me? You don't practically see me without this on."

Yukina Kou ran a hand over his face.

"Don't get the wrong idea here. I am not interested in men."

"Ouch, hai hai. No need for explanations. _That night _was just brought by frustration of having been dumped by your girlfriend, a little booze and incidentally I resemble her with this thing..." Kisa played on. "I know. You reek of 'straight' everywhere."

"..."

Both of them just sat there without a topic in mind. Kisa started getting restless. He looked up, he looked to the side, to his shoes, then to Yukina who was just staring into space.

"You like her that much?"

Yukina slowly turned to the guy questioning him and raised a hand. Reaching to the long strands of hair against Kisa's face, the man gave a small smile. A devastating one that Kisa felt he must have gone blinded.

"You do look like her this way..." he softly said, obvious frustration present in the man's voice. "So much...actually..."

"I see.""

"Ne...Kisa-san, right?" Yukina asked as he slowly moved closer. "Can I hug you?"

"Eh...?"

Kisa stared. Yukina was clearly head over heals with that woman. Seeing a good-looking man like this, who had everything and the fame wallow like a loser, it made Kisa wonder if he ever even loved as much as this guy did. Both of them had just been in break-ups, but Kisa wasn't this devastated.

"Okay I guess," Kisa replied. "I don't have boobs though."

Yukina for the first time ever that Kisa had seen, giggled slightly. Gently like Kisa was a precious glass that can break any moment, Yukina pulled the other closer to him. Not too tight. Not to light. The kind that just makes one feel calm and at the same time jittery.

"I'm sorry for my actions last time..."

"It's o-"

"Kia..."

"..."

Kisa was made frozen by the coldness that was starting to spread against his neck. The strangled breathing that was tickling his skin too made Kisa raise a hand in an attempt to rub the other's back.

To the raven, it was clear that the apology wasn't for him. Those tears against his neck wasn't for him. It was for an Enamoto Kia who chose to leave an almost perfect man for reasons that Yukina seemed to not want to share.

"Come back...please..." Yukina whispered. Softly like a heartfelt prayer that stabbed at Kisa. "I'm sorry...come back to me..."

This made Kisa said something outrageous. Pity? Feeling the same loss of relationships? Or his upset stomach went straight to his head? Who knows? Right before Kisa could stop himself, his mouth already had done it. Besides, thinking back, they'd already done it what's there left to lose?

_"Why don't I be your 'Kia' for a while?"_

The supposedly one night they'd been together, that night that should have never happened in the first place, had been repeated. At different places. At different times. Again. And again. And again.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

thanks for the warm words! XD this isn't going to be a very long one. probably around 10 chappies. currently i am at chappy 5. . XD

-shuusetsu


	3. Chapter 3

**The Star Without Glow**

* * *

They say the moment one started thinking there's nothing wrong, there's already a huge thing going wrongly. It wasn't martyrdom. Most definitely not 'love is blind'. Probably, he was just really lonely. Too lonely to admit being the independent kind of person he'd become in his thirty years of life.

"It's getting too tiring sneaking into a hotel. Give me your address."

Kisa was pressed against a supple yet firm skin. The heart that was beating so wildly just a few moments ago was now a calming rythm against his ear. He could also feel protective hands around his back. And the traces of their sweat mingling together, their scents mixing in the air were proof that this was starting to really get out of hand.

"Huh?" Kisa raised his gaze, unsure what that meant.

Yukina Kou's after-sex look probably would be something that millions of fans would kill for. Relaxed face, sweaty hair, far-away gaze. Right there it was only Kisa's to feast on. It looked like a scene from a picture book. A prince and a pauper kind of theme at that. It was like a fairy tale that went out of the books. However, when Kisa darted his gaze around, it clearly wasn't a fairy tale.

Boxes after boxes were on the corner of the dark room. A dingy smell that only occurs when a room wasn't exposed to sunlight was in the air. Dusty floor, white linen covering some unused props, rolls of thick black wires in the side. An unused storage room at the most unvisited side of their studio building. Never had Kisa thought he'd be doing the nasty and kinky in such a place.

"It's too hard to sneak away from the eyes of media...and my place is off limits too," Yukina tiredly exhaled, his fingers entangled through the long hair resting on Kisa's shoulders.

Yukina was unconsciously playing with the strands. A habit of Yukina that Kisa just recently realized. Having sex with that wig was a bother. But Yukina wouldn't even so much throw a glance at Kisa without it.

"You mean my place?!" Kisa couldn't almost believe it. "B-but...are you sure?"

"I will not ask if I'm not. Have your key duplicated."

The raven rested his cheek against that broad chest one more time. Just a bit, just a tiny weeny speck of happiness was starting to grow somewhere in him.

* * *

Like an idiot, Kisa Shouta had his keys duplicated. He even had a general cleaning right after giving the copy of his key to the man. But no Yukina Kou came at all.

Three days then had passed. Once again, the movie was being shot in one of the sets at the studio. A scene where Hanasono Mikawa's character was about to die from being shot. The entire set looked like a real hospital room. Even the outside looked like a real hospital hallway with the occasional 'patients' and 'nurses' walking.

Kisa was at one of the black couches. Today, in a suit, he was one of those visitors of a random patient, totally unconnected with the characters of the story.

Once the shot for the hallways was done and the director called cut, everyone proceeded to catch a glimpse of one of the dramatic scenes of the movie.

The sworn enemies Yukina and Kagetora's characters were on either sides of the bed of the pale-looking woman. They were quiet. An amateur would think one probably forgot their lines. But it wasn't so.

Yukina who was like the 'bad guy' in that movie stepped closer, reaching out to the hand stuck with IV drop. His face was devoid of any expression. He didn't smile when the woman on the bed smiled. He didn't even had the expression one should have when visiting someone badly injured.

The darkblonde only stood, gripping the pale hand in his. What was amazing was without any emotions on his face, his eyes started becoming deeply red. There were no tears falling. His eyes were just so red like he was about to but gave the impression that he was holding back.

Kagetora was sitting on a metal chair though. He never averted his gaze from the woman's face. He didn't even pay attention to the other guy in the room. Contrary to Yukina, despite having no facial expressions too, there were silent tears welling down at the corners of his eyes. It was as if a male statue just started weeping.

That long silent yet intense scene stretched for a very long time. At different angles, at different perspectives. Showing the men's focused eyes and guilty consciences towards the woman.

Men with hard expressions, their eyes gave it all. And it was a captivating scene.

No words were said. No extravagant actions were done. But there was a miracle going on in that set.

The sworn enemies who couldn't stand each other's presense for a second, were there together, silently praying for a miracle for the dying woman.

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!"

"..."

Even though the director had already screamed his favorite word, the entire set remained enveloped of stillness.

If not for one of the make-up artists clapping, the entire set wouldn't snap out of their trances. After that, like a cue, cheering again filled the once quiet place.

Watching from behind the number of people muttering and exclaiming how Yukina Kou or Kagetora Hizaya could snatch a 'best actor' for that scene , Kisa Shouta merely sighed on his own. What else could he say? Everyone had already said what could be said. Awesome, touching, heartrending.

Giving a one last glance to the busy people, Kisa headed to one of the lounges of the building. For some reason, nothing bad had happened, nothing out of the ordinary, but a misplaced sadness was filling him. A sadness he didn't even feel when he had broken up with his most recent boyfriend.

"Maybe chocolate drink..." Kisa mumbled as he stared vacantly at a vendo machine. "I need Endorphines..."

He sat at the end side of the black and leather couch before a huge television set. The lounge was practically empty. Being the sole person there, he had the freedom to switch the channels as he pleased.

Ten minutes had passed then and he was still mindlessly changing channel after channel.

"Yo."

Kisa shortly looked up and realized who the newcomer was.

"Shouldn't you still be at the set?"

Kagetora sat at the other end of the sofa and tiredly sighed. "Nah...praises are fine...but they're just saying the same things over and over and I am really tired."

"Nice job there," Kisa mumbled. "You have now convinced me why you got the best supporting actor award last year."

Kagetora's shoulders started shaking by laughter, his arm over his forehead as he let his weight sink comfortably. "What a mean thing to say. We've been to many projects, you tell me that 'now'?"

The man beside Kisa gave a satisfied smile. The traces of redness in his jet black eyes were still visible. The light brown hair that was messy still looked good on him somehow.

"Ne, Kisa...stop at that channel. I think they'll be airing that movie at this time."

Kisa stopped at pressing on the remote and grabbed a throw pillow lined at the floor. "_That? _Is it something good?"

"Hmmm," Kagetora turned at Kisa. "It's a favorite movie of mine. Tells a lot about the reality of love."

"You're surprisingly a poetic guy," Kisa replied, looking back at the eyes staring at him.

"A bit," Kagetora drew a deep breath. "'The first one to fall in love sacrifices a lot yet still hurts the most'."

"W...what?"

"A line."

"Huh?"

"A line from that movie. I think it seriously is true," Kagetora smiled. "Don't you think so?"

"Why are you asking me? What do I care about that..."

"Kisa," Kagetora all of a sudden moved closer to the raven that the other had no time to think. "I know what's been going on with you and Yukina."

The throw pillow on Kisa's lap fell on the floor silently. The raven only stared as if he was a firefly that got caught in the fire.

"How'd-"

"Don't worry," Kagetora then moved back and made space. "My lips are shut. Just remember that line from the movie though as a warning."

Kisa opened his mouth, his expression changing from shocked to confused.

"This is just my observation Kisa okay? But you're starting to get that look in your eyes."

"W-what look? Don't be stupid."

"Oh come on, is this the time to even be lying to me?"

"..."

"You're starting to get bothered by his absence. That says a lot already."

"...it's just..." Kisa looked away. "... a convenient set-up. Don't give me weird looks Kagetora..."

The jet black eyes narrowed somehow. "Tell me about 'weird'. You are even using a wig just so he could be at ease being with you, just because you and Enamoto-san look similar with that thing on. Thread lightly on it Kisa-san...you'll hurt yourself."

"Kagetora," Kisa whispered. "How should I thank you for making me feel like shit?"

The man patted Kisa on the head once before standing. "Kisa, the person I wanted to cherish for so long already had been snatched under my nose. Yet he's being treated as a substitute by some scumbag. It hurts me."

"..."

"There's no heaven and earth in our friendship anyway. I'll lend you an ear when things get tough," Kagetora waived a hand and turned back where he came from while whistling.

Kisa just stared at the opening credits of the movie in mute. He waited until he could no longer hear the whistling. Truth be told, he knew that Kagetora Hizaya had a thing for him. The huge actor was a bi. Having been working with the guy for many projects already, Kisa had realized the good points of him and he could really be very devoted.

Kisa still though have the same question in mind. Kagetora was such a man with looks and good personality but he couldn't feel any attraction. Whatever advances the guy made, he only passed it as a joke and mostly just rode on it.

The raven for some reason had always chosen those who ends up being no good.

* * *

His face was being lighted up by his phone. Climbing this hill was a piece of cake. He could walk up and down it even without looking. Living in this area for so long had made it like the back of his hand.

Kisa Shouta's eyes were focused on the messages of his phone. Spam messages, messages from his old flings asking him out for fun, schedule for tomorrow at the studio. The messages he'd been waiting for never came though.

The man laughed a little as he placed his phone back in his bag.

"Tsk...it had become a habit..."

The wig he hated wearing before was there in his bag, waiting again to be used. He mockingly smirked and kicked a rock on his way.

Half-way along that hill was where his house was. It was an old one that he was able to buy at a cheap price considering that the land area was inside Tokyo. The previous owner was just really itching to have that property be disposed of.

"..."

Going home at this time of the night wasn't new. Walking at a deserted street was as natural as it could get.

That was why he stood frozen when he saw his house lighted for some reason. Still from a couple of yards away, the windows were gleaming bright. Even the bulb outside was lighting the entrance.

"..."

Dragging his feet, he walked slowly. The closer he got, the brighter it became.

Kisa touched the low, rustic metal gates and pushed it open.

"..."

The raven could feel his nose getting itchy. It was as if he was staring at somebody else's door.

A lighted house at night. He never expected it would make him feel like this. A tingling sensation was spreading across his chest. A warming feeling that was making his eyes hot.

Entering his house, he mumbled a very soft 'tadaema'. Another first in a long while.

Even though the entire place was lighted up, no one replied. Kisa had to run inside almost tripping thinking for a second that perhaps his house had been broken into.

"Oh..."

There was a man peacefully sleeping on the sofa. He looked really out of place with that worn out sofa cover.

"Yukina..."

Sleeping soundly, Yukina Kou just continued lightly snoring the night away. Kisa felt his knees giving away and he ended up taking a rest on the floor.

"..."

The prince started getting blurry in his eyes. The entire house too had become a blotchy mess swirling around him. Until Kisa couldn't see anything else anymore.

_"You're starting to get bothered by his absence. That says a lot already."_

Kisa reached out to the darkblonde strands over Yukina's face very cautiously. Once done, the raven continued gazing at the man's face. It was like how one would stare at an extremely precious painting. All one could do was look.

"I'm done for..."

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

thank you for the time reading. please share your thoughts. -shuusetsu


	4. Chapter 4

**The Star Without Glow IV**

* * *

_"He looks really tired..."_

Kisa didn't want to wake the prince. So slowly, Kisa stood and took a couple of cautious steps backwards. When he had made a considerable distance, the raven looked into his bag and pulled out that thing that started it all. The long, black artificial hair.

"..."

Not realizing it, Kisa's lips curled upwards as he turned his back from the sleeping prince on his sofa. He leisurely walked towards his small kitchen.

"I'll make him something..." Kisa mumbled as he combed his fingers through the wig. The soft strands felt good against his finger tips. No wonder Yukina liked stroking it. "I don't have much in the fridge though-"

Lifting his gaze from the wig to the sole table in the middle, he felt that time practically stood still on him. That feeling as if he had entered a closed glass box and every sound was drowned away. A suffocating feeling yet strangely not uncomfortable.

He slowly walked towards the table he used alone. He sucked his breath as he lifted the lid of the huge bowl on top.

"..."

Noodles. An instant one. A whole egg was floating on it. Bits of nori was added.

The hand holding the wig slowly fell to his side as the other reached out to the note on the table. How resourceful of the prince to use the back of a convenience store receipt. It made Kisa smile. To think a superstar had that side of him that looked childish as endearing.

_"I made too much so help yourself. Sorry for using your kitchen. Wake me up at five am. Tnx."_

Kisa took the chopsticks on the side with his free hand. Carefully, he lifted the noodles towards his mouth and chewed them silently.

He chewed and chewed them, breaking them to smaller and smaller pieces. How can an instant noodles make him this happy he didn't know. But he ate it still even though it was cold and the noodles had already become soggy.

Weak, he slumped down to the chair beside him, the wig on his lap. He looked up the ceiling still chewing, fending off the warmness in his eyes that was making it hard for him to see.

"You used too much water for this..." Kisa commented with a grin. "You didn't measure it, did you?"

He knew it very clearly. It was scary how he was changing.

* * *

In his dream, he could hear soft footsteps around the house. That kind of sound that gives one a feel of 'home'. It was gentle and careful. But no matter how cautious, the sound of the door being pulled made Kisa's eyes shot wide open.

"Eh?" the raven looked left and right. "M-morning? Already?!"

Kisa jumped out of his bed and practically flew to his living room. The sofa was vacant. The previous occupant was standing by the half-open door.

"Y-yukina...sorry! I overslept...damn it what time is it?"

The prince who had no trace of his tiredness the day before watched Kisa panic quietly. Then he smiled. This guy probably was loved by the sun. He just glowed whatever he did.

"It's okay. Go sleep some more. I actually expected this to happen."

Kisa scratched his head. "Huh...expected...wait..."

"I'm going now then."

The raven in his sloppy pajama went to the door. "We can go together, I'll be ready in fifteen minutes!"

Yukina Kou's smile vanished in an instant, like a fuse that exploded and became unusable.

"I'll go ahead first."

"...eh..."

"Kisa-san, don't you think it's weird if the two of us showed up there together? It's better like this."

Not sure if it was his bad sleeping position making his shoulders suddenly heavy, Kisa continued pasting the smile he had on his face.

"Oh...right. I forgot...an extra and a superstar kinda...do not fit ne?"

"I didn't put it that way."

"..."

"Also, I left the money on the center table," Yukina continued, fitting the red cap he probably used to hide his face yesterday night. "If it's not enough, message me."

Maybe Kisa had slept with his face hanging by the bed as well. For second by second it was becoming very stiff and he could feel the crumbling away of the hold he had on that fake smile.

"Money? Table?"

"Are you still half-asleep? Money about us slee-...you know what I am talking about."

"Oh...oh right..."

"Ja."

Gently the door closed behind Yukina and in front of Kisa. It was so gentle. It was so yet Kisa felt like someone had just slammed that very same door against his chest. Who said that devils wore ugly faces? They were so wrong. Why Kisa just saw one exit his very own door.

"..."

The lone man in the house turned on his heel slowly to look at the center table. There was a fat yellow envelope there. Too fat it wasn't closed properly and the bills inside were screaming to be noticed.

Lips quivering from disgust of himself, Kisa lifted the envelope and peeked inside. He slowly flipped the bills like a maniac and a greedy banker.

"Oh...so this is my price..." Kisa started. "Generous, isn't he?"

He took the envelope with him and started preparing for the day. He had to sort out his bills and check his email for new work schedules.

But Kisa stopped altogether from moving. He stared on the floor and out the window. But it was no use.

If he was the him before, he wouldn't have cared at all.

"Shit..."

Lately, Kisa noticed that he was having a hard time seeing things. His eyes just tear up on their own. And he can't do anything to stop them.

* * *

"Just what did you see in him?" asked a young woman with a little too much make-up on. She wore very high-heeled shoes, her skirt very short, and the tank top tightly fitting her ample breasts. Her eyes were huge, glittered around the corners. "That bastard does not have a heart at all Hotaru!"

Contrary to the strong presence the first woman was giving, a lady in a one piece white dress was sitting gracefully on a rocking chair. The breeze from the window slowly fanning her face and her hair flowing delicately in a calming manner. Good job for the electric fans concealed from the cameras.

"Hotaru...there are plenty of men out there. Those who'd know how to treasure you..."

Kisa Shouta, was standing close behind one camera that was zooming in at the faces of the actresses. This scene was a flashback scene. A scene that was supposed to tear apart the viewer's hearts. A scene that was shown at the beginning of the movie left undone. A scene which the continuation was placed at the end, serving as its conclusion.

"You know what I've learned being involved with this clash for power?" Hotaru asked, her eyes at her clasped hands on her lap. "It's not love when you can explain it."

"Huh?" the other woman cocked her head to the side. "You know I don't know if we're born on the same generation or something...or you time leaped."

The raven behind the camera-man started turning his hands into balls of fists. His eyes focused only at the angel of the movie.

"That man...he lived as a Yakuza all his life...that is something I won't be able to change nor am I planning to change," Hotaru slowly looked towards the slightly opened door. A scene that was not present at the opening of the movie. "I just hope he sees that there is a stupid me who's happy when he's happy, full when he's full, hurt when he's hurt...that there is at least one person who wouldn't betray him."

Slowly, Kisa looked into the camera being maneuvered by the camera man expertly. It was zooming out and slowly moving towards a shadow near the door. It only revealed a black gloved hand. The kind those motorbikers use.

"I..." Hotaru sighed. "It just happened..."

Kisa Shouta started gripping the hem of his shirt as his eyes left the camera and instead looked directly at the man with a gloved hand concealed in the shadows. His mouth opening. His chest pounding. He knew that line days before. He knew and he didn't care. But that time was different. Now it finally sunk in, that meaning of that line was as clear as the torturing sun outside the studio building.

"I..." Kisa mouthed, following the lead actress's line. "I just fell in love."

Slowly, at a different angle, the camera from the gloved hand moved upwards. But the face was hidden in the shadows. Only a streak of darkblonde hair could be seen. And slowly, very slowly, the man's form started fading into the shadows as well. And in an instant, he was gone.

Even before the director could call 'cut', Kisa had already ran away. Towards somewhere no one would see him. Still, there was one person who was always watching Kisa. So he followed the raven nonchalantly. Sighing here and there. The annoyance he was feeling, he swallowed them down.

* * *

There was Kagetora Hizaya. In a mindboggling designer suit and shoes, seated at the side of a flower bed located before a vast parking lot. His mouth was busy with a cigarette, his hands occupied by something amazing. Tissue box.

Looking up the cloudless, blue sky, Kagetora loudly sighed. "You see...I am _the_ Kagetora Hizaya. I've won so many acting awards since I started in this business. I'm drop-dead gorgeous. A dark knight in a shining armor...yet here I am...trying to give away something to wipe your snot?"

Just a foot away from Kagetora was a pitiful looking man hiccupping and sobbing. The sad part of it was it looked really painful that Kagetora could only hand another set of tissue to his friend.

"I was looking at you. That _'I simply fell in love' line _of Hotaru_..._That line struck home that much?"

Kisa only hiccuped on the side. He had never cried in his life like this. Much more he wasn't even really sure why he was crying in the first place.

"..."

The jet black eyes narrowed. He spat his cigarette down the ground, stood and stepped on it for a long while.

"Hotaru dies in the movie only waiting for the damned guy to return her feelings," Kagetora mumbled stealing a glance at the bowed head of the raven. "It's a pitiful ending, isn't it?"

"..."

"I remember you said you hate Hotaru's character. I kinda get why now."

"What are you..." Kisa blew his nose once more, his face a funny sight. "...babbling about?"

"Hotaru is the kind who waits. The Kisa I know is the kind who acts. Act-or right?"

"Is that...is that supposed to be a joke? When should I start laughing?" Kisa said, sniffing.

"Bastard."

The warm air blew at their faces. It wasn't the best site for Kagetora to act romantic or anything. But he knew too this was the best he could've done.

"You know what's the barrier between you two?"

The raven didn't want to listen. He was still shocked at what his feelings had become he didn't want to have another to think about.

"It's not that both of you are males. Not that."

Kagetora started reaching out to Kisa's slightly swaying real hair. He lingered there for a long while feeling the ticklish sensation at his fingertips before letting go.

"The wig."

"...?"

"Make him look at you without that...make him see you instead."

Kisa ony gazed up. Kagetora was strangely blinding that day.

"And if it gets tiring..." Kagetora looked up, as if not wanting to show his own face for the first time. "...you know where you can get unlimited boxes of tissue."

When Kisa felt the friendly pat that Kagetora always give him on the head, Kisa Shouta smiled. He smiled and just began crying even harder.

_"Sorry...Hizaya..."_

Why the hell can't he fall in love with someone like Kagetora Hizaya instead? Why must his first love be to that difficult man?

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

thanks for the time reading. please share your thoughts.

-shuusetsu


	5. Chapter 5

**V**

* * *

The narrow street was deserted. The summer night humid and uncomfortable. And as Kisa forced his legs that had already given up on him a long time ago, he mumbled a silent prayer. That somehow, after all this, he would live.

Breathing raggedly, wiping the sweat that just went in one of his eyes, the raven turned back slightly. Just as he was able to sigh a breath of relief, he saw again that shadow. The shadow that had been following him since.

The fear in his huge eyes was obvious. The veins in his throat was becoming visible as he started having a hard time breathing. It looked like he swallowed a rock and it got stuck midway. The silent tears came down freely as he stared at the shadow without blinking.

Something in the air was whispering 'run', 'run now'. But all Kisa could do was stare. He stared, fell on the ground helplessly. The little fighting spirit in him only managed him to make him pedal a few paces backwards. But the moment he felt the still warm brick wall against his back, the man had finally given up.

In the night, a low laughter mingling with the loud cicaddas rang into the raven's ears. It was chilly. It sounded like a laughter from hell.

The man that had been following Kisa looked like he was in no hurry at all. He was even leisurely walking, whistling every now and then.

Kisa watched with bated breathing the steady steps that was growing clearer and drawing nearer. The dirty shoes became visible the moment this man stepped into the light the weak lamp post was providing. He was large. He was intimidating.

"So nice of you to just wait for me here. You already realized it's no use running?"

The raven on the ground started shaking. So much. It was terrible. His lips, his fingers, his shoulders. They shook terribly as the huge eyes watched one scruffy hand grab him by the hair.

Kisa let out a silent cry of pain, the tears from his eyes creating a visible shining line against his cheeks.

"P...p-"

"P what? Could that be 'please'?"

The raven knew it was futile to run away from this man. He was dead the instant this man started running after him. Who was he fooling that he can turn away from the past and live clean after all that he'd seen?

It was eerie. The way the wind was blowing and the cicaddas made a song sounding of tension. Then Kisa gulped. If he would die, he should at least put up a fight. He'd been called 'shrimpy' ever since. He couldn't say anything at all and he'd been treated like a slave. They tied him down and took everything.

These people were who cut his tongue from his childhood. These same people would also kill him like an insect.

"...!"

In a flash, Kisa moved twisting the arm on his head, biting it hard with all his strenght the moment he had the chance. Then he scram. He ran. But to anyone who could see it, it was barely a walk. A crawl.

"Damn you!"

The beast grabbed the fleeing man by the neck. His hand slipped and managed to yank the collar of the raven's shirt instead. A tearing sound of fabric resonated into the night. The white thin fabric had been easily torn away. It exposed sweating skin which sensually glowed from the yellowish light the nearest lamp post was giving. Half of the chest that was breathing heavily showed trickles of sweat that ran down to his navel.

Taking a hold of that thin neck, the beast held it with both hands. He stayed there for so long. He stayed there pressing with all his might.

Kisa's eyes grew wider and wider. Sucking what little air he can, he clawed at the hand against his neck. A tear of despair lined his cheeks once again.

The next thing, Kisa Shouta was dead. Kisa's movie character to be exact.

* * *

"What was that?" a bystander asked, her face flushed. "If I didn't know what they're filming I would have been convinced it's going to be a rape scene."

"Idiot..." the other mumbled laughing.

Truthfully, everyone was astounded. In a quiet neighborhood where they chose to film this scene, the people living in the area and some Yukina and Kagetora fans came flocking the venue. Some were a little disappointed though that the scene being taken there was not acted by any of the major stars in the movie. Instead, a no-name guy was there.

For Kisa Shouta, this role, the 'mute guy' role was what he considered his biggest role in this movie after all. He was just a follower of the Yakuza family who saw a crime within the clan. He had no lines whatsoever. But he liked this scene that he gave everything he had in it. What could he do without any lines after all? He expressed it with all his movements and eyes. And his airtime in there was about four to five minutes. Not bad.

Kagetora Hizaya was seated on one of the foldable seats near the director. He clapped when the scene was over.

"Wow...director, that sudden tearing of Kisa's shirt wasn't in the script was it?" Kagetora chirped. "Man that's sexy."

The director was still looking at the replays of the recent scene recorded. He had a serious look when he turned to Kagetora.

"No...no it isn't," the usual loud man said, running his hand up and down his left arm. When Kagetora looked closer, there were visible goosebumps on that arm and Kagetora couldn't help but smile on his own.

_"You got them this time...Kisa."_

On the other side, a man wearing shades despite the night was just silently watching the scene. Although the buzzing fans behind him couldn't help but swoon and jump up and down from just seeing Yukina Kou this up close, even them was left speechless watching the very short scene just a while ago.

From a far, he watched Kisa Shouta bow here and there with a stupid grin with his still obvious flushed face. The raven didn't even bother changing into a proper attire and walked around with his half exposing torn-off shirt. Yukina Kou removed his shades, eyes focused at Kisa's neck. Annoyed at what he was seeing for some reason, he then crossed his arms and headed to his van.

"Hey," Yukina started saying to the driver. "Let's go first to the next venue, they'll be wrapping up soon anyway."

"Okay, sir."

* * *

Kisa was still teary eyed. The summer heat was harsh and the evenings didn't offer any comfort. He was sweating a lot and was very uncomfortable but he didn't pay attention to it much this night.

He felt happy and sad at the same time.

_"This is my last role in this movie...that's fast...that's really fast..."_

While Kisa was busy saying his thanks to the make-up artists who came and tried wiping off the sweat on his face, the scruffy man, the same one who 'killed' him earlier came.

"Hey, Kisa-san...are you okay?" he asked with an apologetic somehow didn't fit that scary face. He had the built and the face of those 'bad guys' one would see in most action movies. Big, rough, ragged.

"Huh?"

"I mean...when I accidentally yanked your shirt...it grazed at your neck...right?"

Now that the man had mentioned it, when Kisa felt the side of his neck with his finger tips, he felt a hot sensation. A burning one to touch.

"Look," the man whispered as he narrowed his eyes. "It's gotten really red..."

"Oh my god...is that blood?" the make-up artist exclaimed.

"Kisa-san...I'm sorry," the man mumbled. "Let me help-"

"What are you saying? Thanks to that...the scene came out pretty well," Kisa grinned. "It probably is just a friction burn, it's no big deal really."

It must have really hurt. Not to mention the sweat that was going into the cut skin. But he didn't mind. Kisa knew he's got high level of pain tolerance. This little wound was nothing. And so he happily trudged to the back to take a rest and get a change of clothes. He was so happy, as if he just had achieved something great, not noticing a pair of greedy eyes following his every movements from within the crowd.

"Ah mou...I have to run to the second venue for tonight!" a woman complained, scratching her curly hair in such an unlady-like manner. "Hey, you...take those bags inside the car fast! Yukina-san already took off! The make-up artist will complain again!"

Finishing one scene didn't mean rest. Most of the extras, make-up artists were already in their way to the next site. Even the directors and the camera men were quick to disappear. It was amazing how these people were able to set-up fast and at the same time, dismantle everything.

The unlady-like woman continued stacking the used clothes and sorting out the ones that would be used the next. Choosing even the clothes for the 'bad guys' was hard. So, no matter how persistent the voice calling out to her was, she ignored it.

"Uhm, excuse me?"

_"Damn this guy...is he blind? Can't he see I'm busy?!" _the woman viciously thought, hearing again the voice from her back._ "I'll ignore you forever..."_

"Miss...I just have a question..."

Annoyed at her limits, she shoved the clothes in the huge bag and faced the stranger.

"If you want freaking autographs, go over-"

The woman had swallowed her words back to her throat.

"I'm not here for autographs."

Nodding a little, she sucked her breath. This kind of guy had a high probability of getting asked for an autograph instead. He was tall. Maybe as tall as Yukina or Kagetora. Even in the dim, glowy, clear skin was visible. Not to mention the mild smile on that clean-cut features. The deep mahogany color of the man's hair was perfect for his deep green eyes.

"Err...what can I do for you?"

The man smiled, looking back at where the 'killing' had happened. "The guy that was acting here earlier, the black-haired, skinny one...I am not familiar with him...is he a new rising actor or something?"

She didn't have to think about it for long. She was the one who chose that white shirt for Kisa Shouta earlier. She was friends with him in the first place.

"Ah, Kisa Shouta-san. No...he's not a rising actor or anything."

"Huh?"

The woman turned back to her job and started zipping the bags. "It doesn't sound good in the ears specially that he's got talent. But...you see...he's a regular...a regular extra in movies. No wonder you don't know him. Not all people watch the end credits anyway."

"Extra?" the man repeated. "With that kind of ability?"

"Yup...there isn't much roles for the 'cute and delicate' type of men in this industry is it?" she nonchalantly mumbled.

"Where is he right now...if you know?"

"Kisa-san? I dunno...maybe over there," she said nodding at a cluster of cars and vans a little far from where they were. "He usually doesn't ride with the others...probably he's resting before going to the next site."

"I see..."

After zipping the bags close, the woman turned to look behind her again. She wanted to ask the man who he was. With that kind of 'air' he didn't seem to be any ordinary bystander who happened to watch a movie filming around his neighborhood.

"Eh?" the woman was surprised. The persistent guy was already nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Kisa Shouta was sitting on a low stool behind a bluish van. He decided he'd ride with the people carrying the refreshments than squeeze himself in the other actors' vehicle. He also strongly refused getting driven by Kagetora. The number of people in the outside shoots was too much. And that man was too much of an attention grabber. Best to avoid headaches early on. And so he waited. The refreshments team seem to be taking their time buying drinks from a nearby grocery.

The man sighed, lifting his pale yellow shirt a little to cool down the heat he was feeling. His adrenaline rush from the filming earlier, and the real humid temperature was still getting on him that he seem to can't calm down.

"As soon as my filming's over...there wasn't any praise or anything from the director..." Kisa whispered. "He looked satisfied...but can't he voice out a little praise once in a while? And it's even a one take. Che..."

The man rummaged into his bag for a sports drink and frowned at what he felt. That blasted wig. It really had become a habit of taking it around with him. After all, his meeting with that devil of a prince had no fixed time.

"Tsk...don't remind me unhappy things for now alright?" what he felt in his bag, he pushed it deeper at the base with such gusto.

"You're quite the interesting type, aren't you?"

Kisa looked up with a frown. It was a voice he wasn't familiar with.

The stranger bent his knees and stared at Kisa deep and long. He looked like he was inspecting even Kisa's pores. That scrutinizing look, with a sly smile was making Kisa uncomfortable.

"I heard you're a veteran extra. Isn't that kind of a waste?"

The last thing Kisa wanted for tonight, given that he was happy with the outcome of his last scene, was to be insulted by someone he didn't know. He frowned and stared back, not cowering at the intimidating aura the other was giving.

"With that performance earlier...you would in no doubt should have become popular by now...don't you think?"

Kisa felt the rising anger in him. The stranger on the other hand looked left and right, at the untidy spot where Kisa was sitting, the lack of assistance to him, and at the half-eaten sandwich on Kisa's other bag. And slowly with no shame leaned closer and closer towards Kisa's face.

"Look at this kind of treatment they're giving you."

"Excuse me, you're too close."

The man laughed but didn't make any movements of backing away. "Yah...you'd definitely make it big. You are the type I am looking for all this time."

"Huh?"

"Kisa Shouta, right?" the man extended a business card to Kisa. "How about I make you a lead actor for a change?"

* * *

Kisa was furious. He was beyond angry. All his happiness earlier had been replaced by a sudden revulsion that he'd been scowling the entire ride to the next venue. He felt so disgusted he wanted to puke.

"Kisa-san? You okay?" a young girl helping with the refreshments asked. She was seated in front of Kisa at the back of the van. "You want some juice to ease the heat?"

The raven forced a smile. He already had drank so much there was no space in his stomach to fill. But his anger was still there and the heat in his head was about to make him explode. And remembering that over confident guy earlier was the sole reason for his foul mood.

_"I go by the name Cross. Yoroshiku."_

Kisa felt the crumpled businesscard in his pocket and a surge of nausuea came rushing to him.

"_Have you heard of ZION RED Pictures? I happen to be one of that company's producers_," the man called Cross continued, not moving an inch farther from Kisa at all. _"My eyes have never been wrong. You'd make it big."_

Kisa wasn't stupid not to have an idea what Zion was or what this shady man was implying. A few of his friends and flings used to buy AV DVDs released by this company. Although he already had an idea, he couldn't help himself asking the obvious.

_"What are you saying?"_

Cross smiled, running a finger over Kisa's still flushed cheek without warning._ "Kisa-san...if people can't appreciate you in here, our industry will."_

It was as if Kisa's brain had stopped functioning. He stared frozen on that spot, processing the insult and the sudden offer that came from that man's mouth. He had not even the strenght to remove the annoying finger brushing on his cheek randomly.

_"The pay is good, the size of the supporters is vast, mostly women and well... the majority is..." _Cross narrowed his eyes. _"Gay men."_

_"Acting in AVs? It's just prostitution!"_

Cross stood, the sound of his keys chiming as he looked down on Kisa with a very satisfied smile. He had already planted the seed in Kisa's head. He knew no matter how much Kisa refused, the idea was already there and by that, he considered it already a win.

_"Once in a while I work as a 'top'. But lately no 'bottoms' interest me so I go introducing myself as a 'producer',"_ Cross haughtily continued, straightening his signatured black shirt. _"Give me a call anytime. I'd be happy to be your 'top' at your debut."_

There was no telling how angry Kisa was. That guy Cross talked as if he was so sure that Kisa would eventually grab that offer. The raven started wondering if all people excessively blessed with outward appearances were rotten to their cores.

Kisa stood this time though it didn't help much with their height differences.

_"I am not interested."_

Cross eyed Kisa strangely. Without warning, to Kisa's surprise, Cross inserted the card that Kisa had been been ignoring earlier into the latter's jeans pocket and lingered there longer than he should.

_"You'll never know..."_

_"Move!"_

_"You'd be surprised at the good plotlines our company has. We have great writers. The only difference is...there's no holding back with the bed scenes. No censorship. To hell with censorship anyway," _Cross lopsidedly smiled. His face looked almost perfect that it was scary. _"...it blocks the real work of art."_

"..."

Kisa had the urge to cry while looking at the other cars near them. He may have been an extra for so many years. But he never despised his work or the little roles given to him. This offer of being a bottom in some AV out of nowhere blatantly by some stranger hurt his pride not just as an actor but as a person as well.

_"Acting in AVs?"_ Kisa thought. _"What's there to act about? Isn't that just selling flesh?"_

Their van finally reached their destination at a river bank. He hopped out the moment the sliding doors had been pulled open. Instead of a refreshing breeze, a warm air brushed against his cheeks.

_"You'll get paid a large amount. Will enjoy the sex. Get a different kind of attention. Nice offer right?"_

Kisa gritted his teeth. Remembering those parting words of Cross, made Kisa remember Yukina Kou out of the blue.

* * *

Speaking of being rotten to the core, this time Kisa was so sure about it. He had been battling fatigue and stress the entire day. But he got this vague message from a certain someone telling him to go at this cheap hotel near the area. The annoying thing was, although he was dead tired, the thought of refusing never came into his mind.

Kisa was the first to take a shower. He didn't bother with clothes, or the robe or anything to cover himself. He just sat at the edge of the bed naked, facing the window showing a dark sky in a trance-like state. From behind, anyone would mistake him for a woman. Slender body, pale skin, topped with the long hair that was seductively resting against the curve of his back.

_"We haven't heard anything from Enamoto Kia-san's side...but there's this rumor that she's actually pregnant."_

_"Really?"_

_"Hmmm...that's so shameful..."_

The raven smiled. This was one of the hot topics those girls in the van were talking about. It wasn't a hard thing to conclude that the message from the prince was because of this another frustration of his. It seemed like whenever a new rumor comes up about this lady, Yukina Kou had the habit of forcing himself into a make-believe situation that the woman was still with him. And for that, he needed the only person who was willing to act the part.

"The scene where you fell in the river earlier was really good," Kisa mumbled, feeling the bed creak from someone climbing on it.

Yukina Kou in his dark robe moved behind Kisa, gently touching the silky hair behind the other's back.

"You think so?"

"What do you think about the scene we filmed back at the streets earlier? You know...when I 'died'."

Kisa felt the hot breath against his neck as Yukina started snuggling at the space between his jaw and shoulder.

"That...don't remember much."

The raven felt disappointed. The answer made it a fact that Yukina wasn't even watching what he can do as an actor. His only ever role in this man's eyes was this. A woman-pretending fuck buddy.

Somehow, this day was getting fucked up as it was nearing its end.

"Yukina, who's your first love?"

Yukina paused, slightly made a space between them and moved away. He then without a word lied on his back.

"Enamoto Kia, is it?" Kisa asked as he started crawling on top of the other. He settled then on the Prince's legs, slightly moving about, rubbing indirectly to the man's nether regions.

"We've been together since middle-school and haven't looked at anybody else since then."

Kisa leaned at the man's face. His flowing hair tickling the darkblonde's cheeks. "First loves are really that big?"

Yukina smiled. His eyes, his mouth, everything on that face when he smiled was enough to steal a breath or two from Kisa. And with the delicate gesture of the man, tucking Kisa's hair to the back of his ear made Kisa shiver a little.

"Why ask this all of a sudden?"

"Nothing," Kisa whispered, pulling open the robe covering the prince's chest. "I just realized that first loves make humans stupid."

The man on the bed eyed Kisa deliberately. His hand staying on the black hair, his other hand on Kisa's thigh.

"Yukina...when we do it, are you aware that I am not your Enamoto Kia? That I am just a wig-wearing dude with all the equipments of a man like yourself?"

"Thanks for killing the mood," Yukina whispered. He looked a little irritated. "Of course I am aware you're not Kia. But I do feel at ease...when I see the resemblance..."

"This is just out of curiosity okay? You don't need to answer if you don't feel like it," Kisa continued. "There's this rumor that she's pregnant and all that...if she returns to you...will you still accept her?"

The prince closed his eyes. The way his adam's apple moved as he swallowed made Kisa tense up. Kisa scolded himself. He shouldn't have asked the question when he already knew the answer.

"I will. If it's her, I can forgive anything..."

Now Kisa really wanted to cry. His achievement earlier without praise, that shady man named Cross' words, this Yukina Kou's honest words, they all combined and took a form of a knife gently poking at his insides. It was a slow death for him.

"...!"

Kisa fell on his back the moment Yukina sat. The former was so surprised that he was left blinking at the ceiling. With his legs on both the man's sides, his exposed form, his hair all over the place and his reddish eyes, he must have looked really stupid and unsexy.

All Kisa's thoughts vanished though when he felt a warm and huge hand tilt his head to the side.

"Why didn't you put anything to this? It's red as hell."

"Huh?"

"This was from when your shirt got torn earlier , wasn't it?"

"You...were watching?"

Yukina moved closer ignoring Kisa's question. He then gently touched the light cut on Kisa's neck. "This. This kind of cut to the skin is the most uncomfortable, the neck has the thinnest layer so it's very sensitive. You intend to ignore this?"

"Uh...I just kind of forgot..."

"Idiot."

In one swift motion, Yukina was out of the bed. The man went to the bathroom to check for first aid kits.

"I'm surprised you know about skin layers and everything," Kisa said a little louder for the man to hear. He was fighting the stupid smile that was forming on his lips. He could think this as being spoiled a little, right? "Didn't see that coming Mr. Superstar."

"Kia's wanted to be a dermatologist...so I often listen to her blabber about skin and nerves."

The raven's giddy sensation in him slowly vanished. He seriously never learn. This prince's world was all about a single woman.

When Yukina came back he had first aid kits which surprised Kisa. He didn't really expect this cheap hotel to have these kind of stuff after all. All he thought that hotel offered was sex toys and sex videos.

Like a child, Kisa was seated at the edge of the huge bed. Yukina patting some ointment against his skin.

It was hard to breathe. The way how their faces were so close. The way they were just on the bed silently without doing anything nasty. The way they were being this moment. It all made Kisa's chest fuzzy combined with pain. And his eyes started clouding again.

"..."

"You look like you're about to cry. Does it hurt?"

Kisa looked away. "Yes...kinda..."

It hurt very much. His chest. There he was so sad and disappointed that at the instant Enamoto Kia comes back, he'd be tossed like nothing. The payment for them having sex, the money for him acting the woman who ran away, this wig, the offer of that shady Cross, everything was so twisted. But one kind gesture from Yukina Kou, treating him suddenly this way made him stupidly happy again.

Everything made no sense and he's tossed by a wave after another and being used as Enamoto Kia was not much of an issue again when he could get this close to this man.

_"First loves..."_

"...?"

Kisa started feeling like everything was starting to get vague. That thin line between reality and illusion. The very, very subtle distance of dreaming and living. He might really be very tired. Smiling, cuddling the hand touching him. He refused to give in, he wanted to feel more. But it was no use. The gentle touches and the cold sensation of Yukina's fingertips against his neck made him finally lose it.

"...!?"

Yukina was so surprised that the raven just suddenly started sliding off the bed. It was thanks to his fast reflexes that he was able to grab Kisa before the other completely falls on the floor.

"Tsk...you..."

Kisa could hear a faint voice in his mind. But he was too unstable to understand what was being said. All he could think of was one simple thing before completely slipping off to a kaleidoscope of colors in his head.

_"First loves...no doubt...really make humans stupid."_

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

hello! thank you so much for the patience (to the users and the guests as well)! please share your thoughts. I think i will post an update schedule on my profile one of these days. hehe...XD

_-shuusetsu_


	6. Chapter 6

**VI**

* * *

Words that didn't make sense were closing in on him. White paper, black ink, dates. Kisa Shouta stared at them without blinking, almost without breathing. He'd been reading it for the last ten minutes, for the 5th time. Of course, the things he could see wouldn't change by just glaring at them.

"Auditions..." he whispered. "And none of them fits me..."

Two women wearing white dirty shirts passed Kisa by. Their hands were stained with paint, their forehead lined with beads of sweat.

"I can't take it...airing those props in this heat is going to kill me..." one of the women complained. When she saw the figure facing the huge bulletin board, she hurriedly walked and tapped the man on the shoulder. "Ohayo, Kisa-san! Checking for auditions I see!"

Kisa Shouta turned to his side, his actions a little shaky for some reason. Only did after a few seconds passed did he somehow got a hold of his surroundings.

"Ah...Kiyora-san," Kisa glanced back at the print out posted at the huge cork board. "But I don't fit most of the descriptions..."

The women stood on both sides of Kisa and looked into the schedules too. Their eyes had narrowed down to slits, their lips pursed in deep thinking, their brows meeting in a frown. Who wouldn't? The descriptions if not tall and bulky, they needed women. Or they needed someone for roles as soldiers or police. No matter how good Kisa was, most of them were reserved for actors that would look the part by just wearing the costumes. If Kisa so much as tried wearing those things, he'd appear to be cosplaying.

"It's...unfair..." Kiyora mumbled. "Putting strictly 6 feet or more in height? Not all soldiers are that tall!"

Shaking her head, the other woman sighed. "Well...why not try out other roles Kisa-san?"

The raven smiled, suddenly tired in the morning without even doing anything yet. "It's alright. I'll wait for something else."

"Uhm..." Kiyora rubbed her chin, glancing at the huge diamond clock just above the cork board. "What about the party tomorrow night Kisa-san? Will you be attending? 'Weeping Sparrows' done filming right?"

Kisa turned to his bag and pretended to look something for it. After a few seconds, he gave a deep sigh and forced a smile.

"I don't know...how do I mingle with those big shots again?" Kisa mumbled. "I don't feel like going."

"Eh but...Kisa-san! You've always, always attended every single end-party! You even went when they forgot to send you an invitation!"

"Forgot to send me?" Kisa repeated with his wary smile. "Maybe they didn't really forget..."

"Kisa-san...you're acting not yourself..."

The raven looked at the floor. He wasn't acting his real self? This was the real him alright. A part of him to be precise. This full of uncertainty, unconfident, self-pitying person was all him. It was just that, as the days pass him by, years pass him by, all others moving on to their careers while he was still left where he was, the him that seldom appears started showing itself far longer and more frequently than it used to.

"More over...you don't really look well..."

Kisa smiled, waiving his pale, sweaty hand in the air trying to tell the ladies to get off his back.

"It's just the heat," the raven reasoned out. "Then, I'll go to the dressing room to get a few of my stuff and cool my self with the airconditioner there."

Both the women just stared at Kisa not convinced.

Kisa hurriedly left, not looking at them in the eyes. They were right. He wasn't feeling well. It wasn't because he was sick. It was because of six hours back that it happened. He was used to it, but the trigger did happen from six hours back. Who would have thought that at thirty, he would be cowering like this like a small child?

Six hours back, he was in that cheap hotel where Yukina messaged him to go. His memories were kind of hazy from fatigue. But the prickly shivers it brought him were very, very clear.

Kisa felt like he was threading within that thin line of dreaming and reality. His eyes were closed, he could see nothing. However, from a far, he could hear the slightest sound of cars and the very ticking of the clock from somewhere. He spread his arms wide, feeling a crumple of fabric under his skin. He spread wider and felt like he was falling.

When he opened his eyes, that's when it happened. He could still see nothing.

"...?!"

Kisa sat, fumbling on the bed.

"Yukina?"

Silence so much defeaning answered to Kisa instead.

Yukina Kou should have been beside him. It took him a long time to remember that they met because they were supposed to fuck. Yet he fell asleep. And now he was alone in this dark that shocked him greatly.

Kisa continued fumbling his way around, until he hit his toes to a steady object. Feeling it up, he realized it was the bedside table. He tapped his hands all over it, knocking unknown objects down the floor.

"How long will this black out last..." Kisa gritted, feeling sweat forming from his hair line down to his spine. "My phone..."

Without thinking, he hurriedly pressed the current number one in his speed dial. It took ages for the other line to answer.

"Yu-yukina?!" Kisa almost shouted, gripping his phone tightly. "Uhm...I'm sorry I fell asle-"

_"Kisa-san, do you have any idea what time it is?"_

"Eh?"

_"It's 3 in the morning."_

"Uhm...but..."

_"You go sleeping on your own, why would I stay there without doing anything?"_

Kisa sat on the floor, still holding on to the small table.

_"Didn't I also tell you not to call me? I will call you if I need you..."_

"Huh?"

_"Isn't this what I'm giving you money for?"_

"..."

_"Kisa-san? So what is it?"_

Yukina Kou in the other line sounded really pissed. Just listening to him made Kisa shut up for a long while. He ended up sucking the littlest of his courage to continue speaking.

"I was just..." Kisa whispered. "Surprised."

_"Surprised of what?"_

_"That I woke up in this totally dark place alone?"_ Kisa thought and he knew Yukina would get more pissed if he said that. "Sorry, I'll hang up then."

Kisa didn't wait for any response and continued looking for another number close to his heart. His fingers were very stiff. He didn't know how he was able to scroll down while shaking.

_"Shouta, it's a surprise that you are calling me but..."_

"Kagetora...uhm..."

_"I'm sorry...I'm in the middle of a shoot right now. I'll call you right after! Promise!"_

And then there was only a loud beeping sound. The weird thing was it sounded like the sound of a dying life line.

Kisa stared into the darkness. He could feel his eyes hurting in search of a hint of light. He could crawl to the windows but he was nailed on the floor. He just kept on listening to the ticking clock and the once in a while sound of a passing car. And then the lights came back.

"..."

But Kisa was still staring into the same spot, not moving at all. He was never afraid of the dark before. He wondered what just happened to him. His lesson from that terrifying experience awful. At the end of the day, he would be alone. No one would spare him the minute to hear out that he was scared.

"..."

That was six hours back. It was strange that even in this heat, even though he was busying himself cleaning out his locker of all the trash that had accumulated in there, he could still feel himself slightly shivering.

* * *

Putting the airconditioners in full blast somehow made Kisa feel a lot worse. His sweat had just dried on his back, his skin prickly from the stinging coldness the airconditioner on his direction brought. But he continued tidying his locker. Magazines, empty water bottles, moldy bread.

Being alone in there brought him a heavy silence. It made him remember unpleasant and weird memories.

"What did I do that for...?"

Kisa sighed and shook his head. Slowly, he pulled out his phone and stared at his phonecall history. He was really going crazy.

* * *

"Are you waiting for a call?" a man with bright blonde hair, sweaty and slightly breathing unevenly asked. He slowly and carefully decreased his threadmill speed until he was completely in a stop. "That's strange. You are the one who can't stand his phone ringing all day and all night after all...what's up?"

The man sitting on the floor was sweaty himself. His white shirt was clinging to his skin, showing muscles and a body honed to perfection. Not too much bulky, not too much skinny. The kind most fashion magazines would want their models to be while wearing only jeans in the forest or beach.

The floor to ceiling mirror just across them revealed a couple of gym goers as well. His reflection stood out from the rest though. His deep mahogany hair was pushed back by a hairband, his serious expression added a more mysterious feel to his unreadable green eyes.

"I received a call early this morning, around three-thirty," Cross said, staring at his phone. "The other line didn't say anything. I could only hear a ragged breathing."

Wiping his face with a towel, the man on the threadmill stepped off and took his sports drink beside Cross.

"Well maybe you're haunted for all the heartaches you've caused humanity?"

"I'm being serious here Kiichi you dumbass."

"Huh? Serious huh? So? What did you do then?"

"I thought probably whoever it was just dialled randomly or something. He sounded like he was in serious pain I told him to call 119 instead."

The man named 'Kiichi' snorted as if he couldn't believe it. "What's this brush of concern in you it's scaring me."

"Just listen up okay?"

Kiichi shrugged.

"He sounded like he was hyperventilating so I told him some breathing exercises. The kind those women in labor do."

"Are you an idiot? How in the world would that help?"

"But he seemed to have calmed down anyway. He still didn't say a thing though."

"Oh..."

"It's funny. I have a few guesses in my head who that caller is..." Cross mumbled, the shade of his eyes taking a different glint all of a sudden. "I like this feeling Kiichi."

"Huh?"

The man looked up, smiling creepily. "I don't have to do anything...he'd be surely pushed towards me soon...and besides, to be as someone's last resort feels soooo great I could cum."

"Now that's the Cross I know," Kiichi whispered with a frown. "Man, you're so fucked up in the head."

* * *

Kisa Shouta threw his phone back in his duffel bag on the floor lazily and slowly slid down the floor himself. His back resting against the cold surface of the lockers, Kisa ruffled the top of his head exasperatedly.

It was saddening. Out of all the people he called when he needed someone, it was a complete shady character who actually stayed with him on the phone. The more intriguing thing was, he was just on the phone for an hour without saying anything. But that Cross, whose voice sounded husky from being asleep, didn't hang up at all.

_"Hey? Why are you breathing like that? Are you okay? I'm not 119 just so you know."_

The raven closed his eyes.

_"Are you not going to talk at all? You one of my stalkers?"_

Kisa found himself smiling a little.

_"Coz you are doing a great job in making me so much interested."_

Pulling his knees to his chest, Kisa rested his head on his arms and released a deep sigh. He shouldn't have called that number on the calling card. It was like calling the devil himself to come save him. But what could he do when he felt utterly alone that time? Plus, he wasn't expecting anything from that Cross. The reason why he was even hurt and depressed was because he had that expectation from Kagetora, more so from Yukina. But they brushed him off.

Deprived of sleep, Kisa started stepping into a light sleep. It felt comfortable. He could feel a slight warm breeze blowing against his ear a few minutes later. The more he focused on it, he realized that it was carrying a familiar voice at the same time. Calling his name gently with concern.

"Shouta...you'll get sick sleeping in here."

The raven opened his eyes, he saw his sneakers and the floor. When he confusedly lifted his gaze, he saw a pair of black eyes eyeing him deeply.

"Kagetora..."

"What's the problem with you?" the man started sternly.

"Huh?" Kisa yawned a few more times and stretched his arms to the back of his head to wake himself. "Kage...You look awful..."

Kagetora frowned. "Well thank you for the concern just what the hell's that call last night about?"

Kisa cocked his head to the side, pretending ignorance.

"You call me so early in the morning with that croaky voice of yours while I am in the middle of my last scene's filming. Do you know how many times I goofed up?" Kagetora hissed. "And when I called you back at 6 you weren't answering! My heads spinning with so many ugly scenes and then I find you sleeping in here?"

For a long while, they only listened to the airconditioner. It was Kagetora who moved and eyed Kisa closely.

"I may not be able to answer all your calls, but I'm concerned for you alright? So don't give me a look like you're all alone in the world."

Kisa's pale blue eyes moved to meet the jet black eyes. And he didn't want to look so weak and helpless so he started hitting Kagetora on the shoulder with his fist.

"I'm not a damsel in distress..." Kisa whispered. "But thank you...I really needed to hear those things. I even resorted to calling the devil..."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Nah...I'm back in my senses already..."

Kagetora smiled a little, relieved at the usual smile that he liked seeing on Kisa's face. But then he frowned again. "Was it because of that guy again? Did he say something to you?"

"No...it's not that..."

"Then what?"

"Well..." Kisa sighed. "_'Didn't I also tell you not to call me? I will call you if I need you'..._Maybe that...and well...I am a little worried of the shrinking number of roles that I can apply to..."

Kisa started feeling creeped out by the sudden grin that Kagetora had on his lips. His eyebags didn't really look so appealing with that hideous grin.

"Fret not oh you weary hearted," Kagetora started, raising a hand to the heavens like he'd suddenly been in a stage play. "Thy wish has been heard by this kind-hearted god!"

"Err...I hate to say this but that doesn't fit you too well..." Kisa whispered.

"I know," Kagetora grumbled, his cheeks a little flushed. "But if that could make you smile like that, then all's good!"

Kisa fell silent. How could he have been so depressed of being ignored, when Kagetora's always been this kind of existence to him? He realized his own mistake of having a little faith and felt guilty.

"So here," the acclaimed actor continued. "I got this from a friend of mine."

"Huh?"

It was only that moment that Kisa noticed the black folder that Kagetora had under his left arm. The man took it and handed it to the still clueless Kisa with an encouraging smile.

"This is for an independent film though. But they don't discriminate with age and physical appearances. If you satisfied them with your interpretation of the character they have, you might even land the lead role."

Kisa flipped through the script with his fingers. His fingers shaking, his eyes blurring.

"Kagetora..." the raven whispered. "This..."

"Do well in the auditions alright? I know you can do it."

Putting the folder on his lap, Kisa darted his grateful gaze to Kagetora. His face was nothing but questioning.

"Kagetora...uhm...you..."

"I've known you for quite a while now not to know that bothered look of yours," Kagetora said as he stood from the floor, straightening his clothes in the process. "And don't worry about me, I know where I stand."

"Huh?" Kisa didn't move on his spot and just looked up.

"You see, I don't get hurt...well I do...a little..." Kagetora smiled. "But it's tolerable since I don't have expectations. Reserve the bestfriend spot and just allow me to support or spoil you once in a while."

"..."

"I'll be going first then," Kagetora waived his hand once. "I seriously need to sleep now or I won't last a day."

"H-Hizaya..."

The about to leave man suddenly turned to look back. His face blank from surprise.

"W-what's with the first name out of the blue?"

"You're calling me 'Shouta' anyway..." Kisa mumbled, feeling much and much better that he was able to talk to this supposed to be unreachable fellow. "I'm calling you Hizaya now...but when we're just alone okay?"

"Tsk...now you do what I've been asking you to do before we do this 'Weeping Sparrows' project. I feel like weeping now you know?"

"Thanks Hizaya. I owe you so many."

Kagetora pretended to look like he was mad. "Will you stop flirting with me already, damn it."

Watching Kagetora's broad back as the man started walking away made Kisa wonder, really, just why can't it be with this guy? Why the hell was he trying his best so much to a man who was straighter than an arrow, waiting for some maiden, making him the least of that man's priorities?

Kisa sighed. There was no point in asking. Like why people even live, it was just as hard as asking why people love.

* * *

"I am not a person," Kisa whispered. "That part I've thrown somewhere far in the distance. Now...I am just an object..."

Dwelling into a story that was taken from a situation that happened in real life was different. This had a different approach, an approach that tries to open one's eyes from the shackles of living in a fantasy.

_"A life of a male prostitute to support his ailing step-brother who hates homos...how complicated..."_

Kisa held the folder, skimming through the pages as he walked the hallways of the thirdfloor reading the script that Kagetora gave him. He had tried to forget thinking about Yukina Kou the entire day with much effort. Just this once, allow himself to nurse another stab wound from that man. How was it possible that simple words of rejection from Yukina could break him? He was starting to get afraid of the extent of what he would end up in the near future.

"Not even a single call after saying all those hurtful things..." Kisa gritted. "_But am I not the stupid one to expect him to call me anyway...?"_

Many had passed by Kisa from different shows and programs and most of them he only was familiar with faces.

"Hi," Kisa would greet once in a while.

The raven only wanted to stay in there for the airconditioners since his place was stuffy. Having been done with his last scene with that big movie , he really had no reason to come. But he came anyway. On a deeper note though, one could say, he really just didn't want to be alone. When he's alone, it felt like he was more vulnerable to things he wouldn't normally entertain.

"So...the lead's name is Yukine..."

Kisa lifted his gaze at the door a few feet away from him that opened. It was strange. That was an equipment room yet no one came in or came out. Just that the door opened as if telling Kisa to come and take a closer look.

"..."

The raven almost in tip toe, glancing to his back and his side for other people, made his way to the door. He sneakily snuck his head in, only to see a hand coming closer at a lightning speed. The next thing Kisa knew, he was getting pulled inside by a huge hand that was tightly gripping his arm.

"...?"

Huffing from surprise, Kisa lifted his gaze only to see an exquisite view of a man's collarbone. Kisa didn't have to look further up. He'd know that collar bone, that scent, that feel of that hand on his arm wherever, whenever.

"What are you doing?" Kisa whispered, still not wanting to make eye contact. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

The hold in Kisa's arm softened. But contrary to what Kisa was expecting, that hand didn't let go.

"You look awful."

Kisa mockingly smiled. "Believe me I look better now compared to earlier."

"Why won't you look at me?"

"Huh? Isn't that just your imagination?"

Kisa could hear a deep breath from the man before him and dared to look up this time. It seemed like it wasn't just him or Kagetora that had not enough sleep. Yukina Kou looked really tired too.

"What was that call about?" Yukina pressed.

"Nothing. Sorry about waking you up if I did."

"Look, I won't say it's nothing when you sounded like you were about to cry and scream."

"You were the one who got angry. I'm surprised you're all acting concerned now."

Kisa was surprised too where he got the strenght to sound so hard that time. Perhaps, his pain from being rejected and ignored was that great. And this was what could be called as pretending because in reality, seeing Yukina right there and then, was enough to drain all his strenght and his heart was a beating mess.

The taller of the two bent a little, trying to pin with his eyes Kisa's gaze. "Why were you so in panic that time?"

The raven, drawn into the eyes of the man he hated and loved stared back, his pretending slowly crumbling down into pieces.

"It's just for a childish reason, really..."

"I didn't ask you if it's childish or not," Yukina almost whispered. "Why?"

Biting his lower lip, Kisa could feel his eyes reddening. He choked with his own words.

"I was just surprised to wake up alone when the hotel had a black out..." Kisa started. "You know a lot of the horror movies I've watched started like that...they were sleeping, they were alone then a black out...I got...crazy for a moment..."

Yukina looked really tired as he started resting his hands on top of Kisa's shoulders.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to...besides..everything you said is true."

The prince looked to the side. "When I calmed down, I realized what if it's an emergency after all...I even raised my voice at you..."

"It's okay," Kisa mumbled. Yukina Kou's words could really break and make him in a second.

"I was mad...and frustrated...I didn't intend to throw them at you..."

Kisa noticed Yukina's red eyes weren't from tiredness at all. Without thinking, Kisa's hold of the black folder loosened as he reached out to the face he loved in the whole world. He gently made the prince look at him.

"What happened?"

"..."

"Yukina..."

The prince curled the corner of his lips upwards. That was probably the saddest smile Kisa had seen.

"I received a call from Kia."

Kisa could feel his muscles stiffen but he held any of his own insecurity concerning with that woman in.

"She was crying," Yukina whispered. "That bastard left her...told her to abort their child...she's asking for help..."

"..."

The raven could feel his shoulders in pain. The fingers digging into his flesh awoke one of the things that were really making him depressed and bothered too.

"Yukina...what if..." Kisa whispered so softly as if he was afraid of hearing the answer to it. "What if the baby's yours? How can that bastard tell her to abort the baby so easily if it was his?"

Yukina chuckled miserably. "It can't be mine..."

"Why are you so sure? The two of you...the two of you've been together fo so long..."

Kisa felt his throat constrict when he saw the cold prince actually shed a tear. He could even imagine the sound it made as it fell to the floor. A silent cry. Men don't cry unless it hurt so greatly.

"I just know..."

"..."

"I am mad at her Kisa-san, I really am..." Yukina for the first time showed deep hatred in his eyes. "I hate her, I love her I don't know what to do anymore..."

Kisa realized that the prince could talk to no one about this either. The media would surely rejoice from the meaty news if this got out. Enamoto Kia's reputation would plummet even more if she aborted the baby. The man she ran away with turned out to be a jerk with no spine after all. The woman Yukina Kou wanted to treasure for himself had just been used and abandoned like that. What could a lady born in luxury do to survive?

The breath that Kisa was holding had been released painfully from his mouth. He knew where this was going.

Still...

It just happened by reflex that Kisa pulled the man to him and hugged him tightly. He gave Yukina a crushing hug, the kind that would tell the prince he wasn't alone. The kind that was painful enough to remind Yukina that someone's there for him.

"I want to save her..." Yukina whispered to Kisa's ear.

It wasn't in the job description that aside from being the replacement of Enamoto Kia, Kisa Shouta should also become a martyr. But he did become one. It just happened. It was natural that it would happen the moment Kisa had admitted he's in love with this man.

He knew the pain this would bring him. But Kisa just braced himself and brought his lips to the prince's ear.

"Then do it...I'll help you..."

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

Thank you for the time reading and please share your thoughts! XD

-shuusetsu

please just check on my profile for update schedule:)


	7. Chapter 7

**VII**

The drizzle that night just stopped. He turned towards the direction where the breeze was coming from. The comfortable sensation brushing against his cheeks had the taste of the wet soil. Grasses cloaked with water made them sparkle from a distance. The sound of air blowing against his ears somehow an empty song.

The first time Kisa Shouta saw her, that woman waiting by the door of an old rent house, he only had one thing in mind. A fallen angel.

She was so skinny. The one piece brown dress she was wearing made her look paler. She looked like a ghost carrying a life inside her. She was supposed to be four months pregnant, but the bulge of that life still didn't look the part. Just looking at her made Kisa feel uncomfortable. It was as if she was a flickering candle in this country-side night.

_"Kisa-san, wait here while I talk and explain things to her."_

So that was why, even though Kisa came and endured the five hour drive from the capital, he was alone sitting on an old wooden yet sturdy fence. There was no light aside from the full moon hidden partly by the clouds. It felt like a vast space of gold as the ricefields embraced the moonlight. Kisa smiled, enjoying that nature's play.

"Hey look-"

Kisa had forgotten, out of his childish excitement with the swaying glowing ricefield that they didn't come here to play. That the guy he was with was far from him. And that he was alone absorbing that pretty scenery.

"..."

Yukina Kou and Enamoto Kia were both seated on a long and smooth rock. It was a mystery how from that distance, Kisa could still see every movement of that man's mouth, every crease of worry into those thick brows, every glimmer of pity and regret in those pretty eyes.

That huge hand which held him roughly so many times slowly reached out to the hidden life the woman was carrying. Yukina had a soft expression on his face. He carressed that place assuringly while the woman silently wept.

There was no need to hear what was being said. Kisa could read their lips. Endless 'I'm sorry' from Enamoto Kia. Endless 'It's okay' from Yukina Kou.

When the woman rested her head against the man's shoulder, Kisa felt something dull somewhere in him. Kisa sucked his breath. His fingers hurt from gripping the rough fence.

"..."

This was the part where he had to close his eyes. The part where he had to shun the image of the two that fit so well together.

* * *

He had no chance to see the woman's face closely before. Now that the very woman was lying on his own bed, breathing evenly, with a much at-ease face, Kisa stood in silence. He could feel a dull pain in his temples as he traced every feature of that doll-like face with his gaze.

_"How do we resemble each other?" _Kisa wondered as he picked up a few wet towels draped over one chair.

Enamoto Kia had dark, flowing hair. Her long eyelashes casted shadows down her cheeks. Her small mouth, a little pale at the moment would mumble softly once in a while. Her voice from her sleep was soft and sweet.

_"This is the woman that can make Yukina look so miserable..."_

Kisa could remember how he just followed the two around without a word. He only watched the two walk closely as man and woman stepped into his house while he, the owner was carrying the woman's huge bag.

It was Kisa's idea. A place away from the media. A place quiet and secluded. An unassuming house yet comfortable and homey. He offered that Enamoto Kia could temporarily stay there which Yukina had accepted.

Kisa wanted to laugh sometimes. To think he had become this self-sacrificing. He had never imagined he would become like this.

"Good night," Kisa whispered, gently closing the door.

The moment Kisa went out, he realized that Yukina was about to go in. The raven stepped aside, giving Yukina full access to the door.

"She has just fallen asleep...be careful..." Kisa reminded in a whisper.

Yukina did not even look at Kisa's direction. Stiffly, Yukina walked past Kisa. The prince hurriedly yet carefully moved to the bed where the princess was lying asleep. Kisa watched the heart warming scenery happening in his own bedroom and sucked his breath. He gave them a last glance before he decided to close the door himself.

The quiet of the early morning made the dull pain in Kisa's temples more obvious. He wasn't able to sleep properly the night before. And here he was, escaping sleep again and fixing what may be needed by a pregnant woman.

When he stepped into the living room, Yukina Kou's travel bag was at the corner. A dirty pale peach-colored bag beside it. It belonged to Enamoto Kia. As the raven wandered his eyes around his house, remembering how restless Yukina had been walking around this very same room in worry of his ex-girlfriend, suddenly he was struck by a very strong urge to cry.

Ex-girlfriend? Yukina had never even looked the situation in that way.

"..."

Kisa did his best to calm himself. He dragged his feet. He seriously needed a fresh air to breath.

* * *

At four in the morning, instead of lying on his bed, he was in the middle of his small backyard. His head bowed, his eyes fixed at the neat line of the ants on the ground. The trees surrounding him produced a swaying sound that brushed past through him. He didn't know whether what he did was the right thing.

"...?"

Kisa glanced behind him when he heard the sliding doors. He wandered his eyes from the pair of feet he saw first, up to the face. The light was in the wrong angle, making the newcomer's face hidden in the shadows.

"Yukina," Kisa called out. "How is she?"

"She's soundly asleep..."

The raven pursed his lips and looked back to the line of ants he was watching previously. The prince surely was with very few words since earlier. And Kisa himself wasn't in the mood to be chit-chatty as well.

A few minutes of silence passed them by. Kisa decided that he should steal one or two hours of sleep before the sun takes dominance. Maybe he should lay his extra futon on the living room. There was a woman after all that was resting in his room.

"You go take a rest too Yuki..." Kisa said almost in a sigh. "You can take the sofa."

He stood, moved to as if dust his jeans and walked towards where Yukina was. The prince was blocking most of the space to enter so Kisa tiredly looked up, his lips in a tired smile too.

"You're blocking the way-"

All of the words in Kisa's mouth was left unsaid. He couldn't say anything and his mind had frozen over the sincere smile the prince gave him. The taller man's hand that had grabbed his arm to prevent him from getting inside the house felt hot against his skin. Kisa questioningly looked up, a strange emotion spreading throughout his chest.

That smile from Yukina, so simple and small, might kill him.

"W-what is it?"

"I don't know what to say," Yukina whispered. His voice had the hint of tiredness in them too. "For you to be doing this..."

Kisa intently gazed at the troubled eyes looking back at him. It felt good. It felt good for Kisa to see his own reflection in those drawing eyes. If he could, he'd want his reflection to stay there and never disappeare. But for that to happen, Yukina had to not look away and only focus on him too. When will that time come? Will that time even come at all?

Kisa's right hand suddenly went right up to the taller man's lapels. It lingered there for a second. Before Yukina could even react, the raven's face was right in front of him. A breath's distance. A strange surprise.

Kisa filled in the gap. Holding tightly the prince's shirt, he pulled him close, their lips touching. Kisa nibbled shortly on those soft lips, remembering the sensation of a gentle sweet kiss instead of a rough one this man always had given him.

"You're too serious," the raven whispered into Yukina's mouth with a soft laugh.

It all happened so fast. Kisa was a bit reluctant to let go but he backed away on his own. Good things really end too fast for him. He broadly smiled, trying to hide the burning on his own cheeks as Yukina just stared at him, blank from what just happened.

"What...you're making a dumb face...Mr. Superstar. That isn't our first kiss anyway."

The prince just remained standing there. Without a word, without an expression, he bore his gaze at Kisa's restless eyes and fidgety actions.

"I had to break the tension..." Kisa mumbled as he turned around. "Anyway...you better get a rest too."

It was Kisa's own pent up wishes and desire that made him act on it. He couldn't hear anything but the throbbing of his veins in his head. His face was so hot. His lips burning. But he tried his best to walk away as calmly as he could. He just wished that the cicaddas of that summer was loud enough to drown the very sound of his heart beat.

* * *

Kisa Shouta was sitting on the edge of the huge vanity where Kagetora was currently facing. The latter had a funny cellophane wrapped around his head, clips and a black huge babe-like thing around his neck. Having his hair colored from brown to dark-red for a commercial was just a last-minute matter. And the man couldn't help but grimace at the boredom.

"This sucks. Why do you have to come when I look like this?"

"It doesn't bother me at all," Kisa replied with a little hint of laughter. All manly points under those hair products totally made Kagetora a comical scene. The man was huge in build, tall and a little rough looking. Most critics had labelled him to be probably a charismatic warlord in his previous life. Seeing the very man under those products was a lot of fun for Kisa.

"Kagetora-san," the hairstylist sternly warned, waiving a finger in the air to make her point. "I want to see those things on your head when I come back. Don't pick on them."

"Hai, hai...jeez...don't I look comical enough?"

The girls serving as Kagetora's fashion consultants giggled before following the hairstylist out of the actor's exclusive room. When the girls left, Kagetora closed his eyes, supressing a yawn. Kisa on the other hand started flipping to his audition scripts. He had not much time to internalize back at his home anyway.

"Shouta," Kagetora mumbled, eyes still closed. "You didn't come to the end-party last week and I haven't seen you much lately. Weren't you big on leeching off with the airconditioner here? So why?"

Kisa finished reading the whole page before putting the folder on his lap. The airconditioner in Kagetora's dressing room was a lot quieter than the one in the other actors' lockers. It made Kisa's hesitation to speak more evident.

"I can understand if you're trying to rest or something," Kagetora opened one eye, directly looking at Kisa's profile. "However, I don't think you're well rested. Your color is off."

The raven swiftly darted his gaze at the signatured clothes in the open hamper. Ignoring Kagetora's keen eyes, Kisa started looking at the pile of cosmetics where he was sitting the next.

"Oi...stop acting like a deaf."

Slender fingers reached out to a set of make up brushes from a holder. Kisa lightly felt for the tips of the volumized brush and savored the soft feeling it left on his thumb before he brought it down his chin. He gently brushed the tip under his jaw as if it was a bird's feather.

The tired yet patient smile on Kisa's lips made Kagetora silent. He felt like Kisa was just having a hard time to word it out.

"Hizaya, _he_...started living in my house since last week," the raven hesitantly looked at the other. "Uh-not living exactly...just most of the time..."

The black eyes only widened for a second. Kagetora went back to his neutral expression as he watched Kisa play with that thick brush. Without saying the name, there was only one _'he' _who could make Kisa look like this. Kagetora saw through it right away.

"Aren't you like newly weds then?"

Kisa smiled. A self-mocking smile to be precise.

"Hey? If he's living with you now...isn't it going better? Why the mournful mug?"

The raven raised the thick brush as if he was waiving it like a magic wand. Jokingly, like he wasn't bothered about it, Kisa mouthed words in a singsongy attempt. Kagetora couldn't find any humor in it. He just silently watched Kisa look everywhere but him.

"It's hard being a woman," Kisa mumbled. "Pregnancy and delivery and bodily changes, not to mention the pain...I think it's unfair that a woman had to feel all those things alone while men just wait like idiots."

"..."

"She's so pretty Hizaya. When she smiles..." Kisa stopped playing with the brush. "When she smiles, I don't know but everything brightens around her. It must be that right? A woman's charm?"

"..."

"When she smiles..." Kisa slowly lowered his gaze, towards the floor, towards farther than the floor it self. "_He _too ends up smiling..."

Kisa's bowed head, the droopy shoulders, the soft voice coming from him, it all made Kagetora silently curse. Kisa hadn't said it directly. But it wouldn't take a genius to conclude what it was all about. The man moved without a sound.

And since Kisa was too absorbed with his own reminiscings, he hadn't realized until the floor before him became a couple of times darker. He saw a pair of deep red almost violet leather shoes before him.

When Kisa tried to look up, he felt a hand on his head, gently forcing him to look down. At the same time, his forehead felt warmth, as Kagetora forced the raven to rest against his chest. That was all Kagetora did. He offered his chest. He offered Kisa silence. He offered his symphaty. He offered his understanding.

"It must hurt..." Kagetora whispered. There wasn't any sensual way in the manner he was holding on Kisa's shoulder, patting it gently and soothingly. At a different angle, it was very manly. Like how close friends would pat each other during a calamity. "You're...seriously..."

Most of all, Kagetora Hizaya didn't want Kisa to see the angry glints in his eyes. The deep black hues of his orbs resembled a moonless ocean. Even his parents told him he looked unsightful when he becomes real angry.

"Shouta, that Yukina better not make you cry in front of me..."

"Eh?"

"I'll seriously hit him square on the face, whether there are other people or none."

Kisa sighed. The sturdy chest was comforting. Even Kagetora's warning made him feel a lot more better and special. He slightly crinkled his nose though. The scent of the hair dye was too strong.

"Don't give jokes like that, moron."

Because Kagetora never replied, and the hand pressing on his neck seemed to have softened already, Kisa glanced up. Kagetora neither looked angry nor pissed. But he also didn't look like he was joking.

"..."

"Anyway," the man who was standing abruptly turned around and went back to his seat. "The auditions the next day already...The world does not revolve around him only. You have your own self to worry about Shouta."

Although Kagetora said it a little coldly, what the man said was true. He couldn't mess his auditions up. If he didn't worry about it, no one would for himself. And Kagetora may always be his friend and a pillar of support, but he couldn't always rely to the guy forever.

Kisa sucked his breath, as if inhaling down to the deepest part of his chest. When he opened his eyes, he looked straight at Kagetora and grinned.

"Who do you think I am?" the raven spat. "I won't waste the chance I have, I'll nail it for sure."

The hard expression Kagetora had a little while ago finally softened.

"I never once doubted you."

* * *

Initial reaction from any person who knew what Kisa's been going through, would be that the raven would deeply despise the woman named Enamoto Kia. It was actually not the case. Kisa liked the woman, not pretentiously or to even gain favor from a certain someone. Enamoto Kia was a charming, good-natured person.

As Kisa was sitting by the old, yet still dutiful couch before the window, legs pulled up near his chest, eyes far into the sky, he found himself in a complete trance. It was as usual a hot afternoon. The blue sky had an occasional passing fluffy clouds with distinct shapes.

"Sometimes...a gay is manlier than a guy...My aunt is even manlier than most of the guys I've known..." Kisa mumbled, remembering these lines from the script lying open on his lap. "Does having balls enough to be considered someone as a man?"

Kisa snorted. The idea was too crass but he was really liking the 'Yukine' character a lot. He heard that the independent film team had a hard time convincing the real 'Yukine' to turn his life into a film. Now, the raven was itching to see this real person in real life although of course, it wasn't possible.

Too bad, Kisa had a feeling they'd get along somehow. Seeing as 'Yukine' to be shouldering his entire family's problems anyway.

_"Kisa-san, you don't live with your parents, do you?"_

Out of the blue, Enamoto Kia's question earlier before the woman fell into her afternoon naps, came back to him.

_"No...we're...kinda not in good terms."_

Enamoto Kia was drinking milk that time. She was wearing a huge shirt from Yukina, and her hair was tied in a lose bun. She looked elegant still. It was engraved in her.

_"So we're in the same boat with our families huh?" _the woman stated a matter-of-factly. _"I tried contacting them...but the moment they hear it's me...they drop the call."_

_"Don't worry about it. They'll eventually warm up to you."_

_"I wonder..."_

Kisa walked beside his bed where the woman was sitting. Enamoto had completely opened up to him when Yukina introduced him as his close friend from the entertainment industry. Kisa had no choice but to play along with the 'close friend' part.

_"They will forgive you. Especially that you have a gift for them now. That gift of life...any parents would want a grandchild. They'd melt in no time once seeing that angel in you."_

Kia's round eyes slightly narrowed. Her lips in a faint smile. The raven sounded like he was saying it will never happen to his own case. Catching a hint of the curiosity, Kisa rested a hand against the side of his neck.

_"My parents feel that I've betrayed them. I will never be able to give them want they want."_

_"...a grandchild?"_

_"Hmmm...that's one...there are many other things..." _Kisa nodded. _"Anyway...as long as they accept most of the financial support I am giving them back in the country-side...I'd be already satisfied with that."_

Kia rested a hand over her still small belly and looked regretful. _"I just really realized how pampered I've been. I've got no real life experience like you do...it makes me feel bad I had to rely to the man I dumped. And it makes me feel so stupid about most things..."_

_"Aren't all humans born stupid? But you didn't do anything wrong. You just tried to grab what you thought was yours. While I am trying to grab what's not mine."_

That time, both persons lost in their own thoughts just allowed the silence to stretch out. The wind-chime by the windows that had been very still because of lack of wind finally started sending off sweet tunes. It made Kisa come back to his senses.

_"It's time for your nap. I'll be in the living room if you need anything."_

_"Kisa-san..."_

The raven who was about to leave turned on his heel, facing Kia once more.

_"Why did I ever not see how good Kou is to me?" _Enamoto Kia looked down, gripping the sheets around her legs tightly. _"Do you think...it's possible that..."_

Kisa hadn't realized that he'd been too absorbed with his inner thoughts. By the time he blinked back into reality, the blue sky he was admiring earlier had already been dominated by orange and pink tints. Evening has finally come to say hello.

The man hurriedly grabbed his purse on the center table of the living room and headed out. He had to buy food. He couldn't cook properly and instant stuff was fine by him. But surely it wouldn't be good for a pregnant woman.

Absent-mindedly, Kisa wore his slippers, closed the sliding doors, walked out of his small garden and garage and zombie-like went to the groceries. No matter how he tried to focus to his errand at hand, in the end, he could only do them half-heartedly.

Zombie-like he left his house, zombie-like he would be returning.

_"Is it possible that..."_

Lifting his pale blue eyes to the depressed, pregnant woman before him, Kisa felt himself having difficulty being focused. He had to insert his fists inside his camouflage shorts. They were shaking.

There was clearly nothing wrong for the woman to think about Yukina Kou more highly now. She was vulnerable and came to her rescue was no other than the man himself.

"..."

There was nothing strange for women to try winning someone like Yukina. His kind who had the looks, the money and the heart to be devoted to only one woman was already a rarity. Those who were rich, and good-looking men were all jerks. Those who were rich, good-looking and good-natured were already taken. Those who were rich, good-looking, good-natured and single, they're either homosexuals or bisexuals, or those with creepy hobbies. It was funny how Kisa thought about it but he couldn't laugh.

"_It's annoying of me right? I dumped him...then...I'm hoping that he..."_

Kisa drew a deep breath. He wasn't sure if he was able to properly produce a smile that time. But he didn't doubt a thing what he had told the woman.

_"There's still a chance..." _the raven whispered. _"He's just waiting for you..."_

The last five words, Kisa couldn't voice out.

Kisa's depressing train of thoughts was broken by the vibrating of his phone though. Since both his hands were busy holding grocery bags, he had to put down the bag to be able to use his right hand.

"...?"

It was from Yukina. A call. How strange. But when Kisa was about to answer, the call dropped.

"Huh? What's that about? A missed call?"

Moving to put the phone back in his pocket, the phone vibrated a second time.

"He's calling again..."

He even waited a couple of seconds to make sure it wasn't a prank. Then he answered.

"Uh-yes? If it's Enamoto-san...she-"

_"Kisa-san...do you realize that you're two house past your own place?"_

"Eh?" Kisa looked to his left and right. He looked to his front and glanced back. His house was there a couple of yards away. "Oh...Of course not..."

_"Will you continue denying?" _there was a hint of laughter from that line that made Kisa feel strangely fuzzy. _"Look behind you."_

Kisa had to squint. The night was already all over the place and the other side of the residential street had no light lamps. He could only see an old, black car, so old he wondered if it was still working. The windshield and the windows were heavy tinted. But when the headlights produced this yellowish glow, almost blinding Kisa, he knew who was behind its wheels.

"Yukina...just pretend you didn't see anything! I was just remembering a few of my lines and-"

_"Kisa-san get in the car. I'd like to discuss something."_

With a perplexed look, Kisa grabbed the bag and walked over to the car. The door was pushed open for him and immediately, seeing Yukina Kou's face, even without any expressions, Kisa felt a tad better.

_"Savor these moments...'coz it's only a matter of time..."_ Kisa told himself. _"It's only a matter of time before this ends..."_

* * *

Some fifteen minutes ago...

He was tired from doing promotions the entire day. He couldn't take his mind off of so many matters which drained him even more. He had to go to his apartment so as not to make others suspicious that he wasn't going home. He had to sneak in and sneak out to some events, not finishing them so he could go home earlier. And today, he finally got to drive the plain-looking car he bought some time ago.

"I'm so beat..."

Yukina Kou glanced at his rearview mirror shortly. His hair was getting longer in the front. He had to go take a trim as it was bothersome.

His drive was quiet and very smooth. At this time of night, most people were already inside their homes, either eating or watching television with their family members. As for him, he still couldn't believe that where he was going, he'd find the person he'd always wanted to bind to himself. It still felt like a dream that once he returned, he'd be able to see again the woman's smiles. Hear again the woman's sweet voice.

"..."

It was all because of a certain guy who he only thought resembled Kia a lot. He never expected that this very same being would be the one to lend him so much hand when he felt like breaking himself.

Because of his excitement earlier, he only bought a bunch of stuff for the pregnant woman. He glanced shortly at the backseat and decided, next time, he'd buy something for that guy too.

Going up hill, he had to maneuver the car more carefully. It was really quite steep.

"..."

That was when he saw a figure walking up hill as well. Wearing a camouflage shorts, plain white shirt with two grocery bags. From behind, Yukina Kou almost mistook that figure for a high school student. A young man who was probably forced by his mom to buy last-minute dinner ingredients.

_"Kisa-san...?"_

Once in a while, the raven would just stop walking out of nowhere. For a reason that Yukina couldn't comprehend, that very raven would just stare in front of him. Yukina though had a feeling, the other man was wearing an expression like he was seeing something else.

From the half of the hill towards the top, Yukina drove very slowly, thankfully because no other cars were behind him. He drove, almost like following Kisa at a snail-pace. Yukina found it strange that Kisa didn't even realize he was being followed.

_"You could get robbed and you wouldn't even know Kisa-san..."_

Kisa stopping on his tracks made Yukina press on the breaks. The raven looked up. His back a black and white picture from the lamp post before him. There was something depressing in those frail shoulders. The warm wind that gushed from below then up made Kisa's hair a swaying mess.

It was for a momentary period that it allowed Yukina to see the raven's profile more clearly before the latter resumed walking. Thin film of sweat made Kisa's complexion somehow glow. Yet he looked like a ghost. He looked really thin and could just collapse any minute if he ever exerted himself too much.

_"Oh...I'm already in front of the house..."_

It was Yukina who took a glimpse of Kisa's place. Yet the owner of that place kept on walking, not realizing that he just passed his own home.

"I've never seen someone space-out this much before..." Yukina mumbled.

And only then a thought suddenly struck him. If Kisa was there outside spacing out in the night, then Kia would just be alone. Worried, he fumbled for his phone on the passenger seat. He searched for Kisa's number hurriedly and pressed the phone against his ear.

_"I told him not to leave Kia until the old auntie comes to look after her...Tsk..."_

The prince watched the raven's clumsy movements from inside the car.

Kisa on the side of the street slightly turned towards the road. From where Yukina was, Kisa's profile could be seen. However, unknowingly, after a few rings, Yukina pressed the 'end' button hurriedly.

"..."

The very smile that played on the raven's lips while reading who the caller was, the very faint blush he saw on the man's cheeks even from that distance, that very expression of excitement on Kisa's face extinguished a great deal of Yukina's composure. So he hung up even before Kisa could answer.

"...?"

Yukina wasn't so sure what just happened to him. It felt the same as that early morning. That early morning where the humid air seemed to have accumulated across his lips. That time when Kisa Shouta kissed him 'jokingly'.

That Kisa Shouta always had the 'collected' look plastered on his face. He looked composed most of the time perhaps because of him being ahead of a couple of years than him.

The whole different scenario, the childish joy just because of a simple call? Seeing them made Yukina's head pound.

He breathed in. He breathed out. That was strange.

"..."

After a few seconds, when Yukina Kou finally felt better, he dialled Kisa's number again.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

thank you very much for your patience, time and the kind words. please share your thoughts!XD school is as always going to be pretty hectic, but i'll hang on to the update schedule that i'd be posting.

**(****ﾉ≧∇≦****)****ﾉ ﾐ ┸┸****(****Please see my profile for update sched:****)**


	8. Chapter 8

**VIII**

* * *

It started like the opening of a cheery, melodic song. The sun was up. The washed white sheets were left to hang outside in the summer. They gently billowed, and gently gave off the scent of bleach and mark of all household chores done. Even the laughter from the children in the neighborhood who passed by in front of the house collided with the happy birds pecking around the nearby trees.

"I've always been watching you..." Yukina Kou almost sighed as he turned from the window. Sunlight adorning his face made the shade of his eyes golden. Those eyes seeked the raven by the open sliding doors. "You're so close...yet you always feel so distant...I don't get what you're thinking, I can never trust you."

Kisa Shouta briefly smiled. He didn't say anything but it felt like he was saying 'enough'.

In between her hands was a cup of a warm milk. Enamoto Kia was sitting on the couch, watching Yukina Kou rehearse his lines. On the other side of the living room, Kisa Shouta seemed to have become a different person. He was only assisting, however, Kia could feel that this friend of Kou had passion and love for acting.

"Who told you to do that?" Yukina asked almost in a tone of anger. When he dared to walk closer, to make their distance shorter, Kisa Shouta just all the more looked outside. "I wouldn't understand you if you don't tell me anything."

Like someone took over Kisa's body, the raven started laughing. A laugh so cold and delirious that Kia felt shivers down her spine.

"Oh my God..." Kia whispered. The delirious laughter like a demented's looked so real she felt scared. She threw a frightened look at Yukina Kou. But the man only was staring quietly at the raven who had clutched his stomach.

Then there was silence. Then there was a chilling voice. It was so surprising that the same voice was coming from the same raven.

"Do I have to say everything? Why do I need to spell everything for you?" Kisa whispered, still holding his stomach, still with his head bowed. And then he looked up. "Try putting yourself in my situation for once."

"..."

Kisa absorbed all the details he could see. The smouldering gaze coming from the other man made his heart leap for joy. Although momentarily, at least, Yukina Kou was looking at _him. _Kisa didn't mean to compete, but if not for this urgent 'rehearsing', there'd be no reason at all for the prince to look at him like this. He knew this kind of gaze was already reserved to their one audience. Kia.

The raven inwardly sighed. Trying to not remember last night would be very hard for him. Trying to stay poker-faced when remembering it would be a lot harder. Last night was filled with all the 'unexpected' and little 'surprises'. They were only small glimpses but Kisa'd felt he was high up in the clouds.

* * *

_"Oh...so the Auntie will be arriving tomorrow noon?"_ Kisa nodded as he stared at the front. He felt quite disoriented at their confinement in the car. _"That's cool..."_

Yukina Kou raised a hand to open the lights above their heads. It gave off a dim, yellowish touch to everything. Even their skins glowed a warm yellow. While the prince was suddenly busy with sorting something from his bag, Kisa dared to act normal and observed Yukina with keen eyes. The long eyelashes, the well formed lips, the chiselled face almost with no flaw whatever angle.

_"I have to go early tomorrow,"_ Yukina started, still busy with the folders in his bag. _"I've got a sudden guesting in a drama program. Seriously I only got the script this afternoon. The shoot's tomorrow morning..."_

"_Ah...that's hard..." _Kisa was almost in a daze. He even lost a hold of his sense of time.

The other man lifted his gaze, taking a pause at what he was doing. _"Kisa-san...did you hear what I just said?"_

_"H-huh?"_ God Kisa didn't hear a single thing.

Studying what might be Kisa's dumb expression, Yukina Kou sighed and raised a folder. _"I asked you if you can help me tomorrow with this? I memorize lines better when you act them out."_

Kisa glanced at the folder back to the man. That was some compliment alright. Kisa smiled and eagerly grabbed the folder. He was back to his own calm self and was now able to breathe evenly and stop dazing.

_"Sure...it's been a while since we did that," _Kisa replied happily as he browsed. _"Another love story? Aren't you the most seeked leading man now?" _Kisa even joked. _"Getting to kiss all the hottest actresses...tsk tsk..."_

Yukina watched Kisa's actions quietly and gave a light sigh. Satisfied, he once more looked into his bag. The moment he pulled that fat yellow envelope filled with a thick wad of money, Kisa felt he sank from where he was seated. Strange, the seat was very intact though.

Kisa couldn't help but ask.

_"What's that for? We haven't slept with each other lately anyway..."_

Yukina obviously stiffened hearing the straighforward words. But he continued extending the money.

_"This is not for sex. This is for Kia staying at your place. I stay there too sometimes so naturally the bill for water and electricity would rise."_

Kisa grew numb with the equally or perhaps, even more direct words that'd been slapped across his cheek. There must be really something wrong with the passenger seat. He was sinking.

_"Also,"_ Yukina continued which made Kisa want to scream.

The prince still had more unintended venomous words to say? Kisa just held on to his neutral face and continued gazing at the wad of money, his hands and the folder lay limply on his lap. It wasn't like he took them both because he wanted something materialistic in exchange. Was it wrong to want to be of use to the guy you almost practically worship?

_"I added more,"_ Yukina said with a somewhat change in his voice. Maybe Kisa was hearing incorrectly. It sounded softer. Gentler. _"I bought a lot of things for Kia but I haven't bought anything for you."_

_"Huh?"_ Kisa stared dumbly.

_"Kisa-san, the light-bulb in your bathroom is very dim it's about to die out. That'd cause accident I tell you,"_ Yukina explained. _"You only have one extra futon and the feathers' all a mess. Buy another one if you have time. And please..."_

Yukina stayed quiet for a while as if thinking to continue. He gently pushed the envelope to Kisa, having a strange sympathetic smile that Kisa was a little uncomfortable with.

_"I heard back at the studio that there isn't much openings available for you..."_

Kisa pursed his lips. What a polite group of words in exchange of 'unemployment'.

_"Take this as you take us."_

The raven pulled a smile. Although what he was feeling was the opposite. Wasn't this still a give-and-take situation? Kisa really believed they've grown past that after so long at least.

_"Okay...if you insist..."_ Kisa had whispered. He reached out to the envelope soon after and felt it so heavy he dropped them down the car floor. A few of the bills lay scattered around their feet. _"Ah...sorry Yukina, they-"_

_"Kou's fine."_

Not sure if his hearing was failing him, Kisa lifted his gaze. He was half-bent from picking the money, so his position looked cramp and awkward.

Yukina bent to pick the bills around his feet too. Because of the shadows, Kisa couldn't really tell what was on that face.

_"Call me Kou,"_ Yukina continued._ "You..."_

"..."

_"You're not a stranger to me anymore after all."_

* * *

Enamoto Kia continued watching on the sides. She couldn't help but notice the slight difference in the raven's gaze. As if Kisa was dreaming while awake. As if the man was on two different places yet acting on them at the same time.

She looked down at the low table before her. Since Kisa had already memorized his lines perfectly, his copy was lying idly on the table. The woman lowered her cup of milk and took the folder. Slowly skimming through it, she searched the part where Yukina Kou and Kisa Shouta should've been.

"Spit it out," Yukina sternly said. Neither did he shout or made a threat, but his body said otherwise. His swift steps, although the man was in plain clothing, made Kia imagine a man standing regally in a tailored suit. "How much did you take for the job?"

Kisa was somehow late to answer. He pursed his lips. He cocked his head. He looked miserable.

"Why must everything be so two-sided for you?"

Kia drew in a deep breath. She could see that the two were about to finish the scene. The conversation of the characters was about to end. She was in awe and in wonder at how perfect Kisa seemed to be. It was so natural that she could almost symphatize.

"There's no such thing as a free-meal in the world," Yukina scoffed. "Either you got a huge payment, or you're planning something else. You've always been such a sly, calculating person...ever since..."

* * *

Although Kisa was perfectly conscious of their on-going line practice, a portion of Kisa's mind would flicker back and forth to last night.

When Yukina Kou said that, when the man offered that, when that very prince said the last phrases, Kisa almost dropped the paper bills that he already managed to pick up earlier. He blinked at the prince. He slowly looked down, picking the remaining ones that were still lying around.

_"Uh...thanks..."_

Kisa doubted he'd be able to do that any sooner. But he was happy enough about the thought. Yukina had no idea how many times Kisa had already murmured, whispered and called out that name in his dreams. But dreams were different from reality. Things that can be done in one's dreams were actually things one can't just do in the real world.

Once Yukina and Kisa had picked the last bills, an awkward silence filled the insides of the car. Their close proximity didn't do any better.

_"Ah...here..." _Yukina started after a few seconds, pushing the bills to Kisa's hand. _"What did you buy anyway?"_

_"Huh?" _Kisa almost choked and hurriedly grabbed what was being extended and averted his gaze. To run away from the awkwardness, Kisa started fumbling into the grocery bags.

_"Err...I bought some vegetables. I think vegetable soup is good for Enamoto-san...also...some toiletries...and diapers..."_

Yukina raised a brow. _"Diapers?"_

Kisa lifted his gaze. Their eyes meeting. Slowly, like accumulating steam from Kisa's chest, it evaporated to his cheeks. Damn. The baby won't be coming around soon. Why on earth did he buy them?

_"Err..." _the raven was about to panic. How many times for this day would he appear such a klutz and an absent-minded mess? That's what one get from spacing out.

_"Wow, Kisa-san...aren't you more excited than the mom?"_

_"C-cut it out! I've never lived with a pregnant woman before so I can't help it okay?!"_

Wanting to escape the car, Kisa moved to as if push the door. But before he could do it, he had to turn back to Yukina Kou who started laughing. A laugh so hard the prince had to rest against the seat while almost tearing up. Kisa thought it wasn't that very funny for Yukina to be laughing like this.

_"Oi?"_

It was the very first time that Kisa heard this timber. So the prince could actually laugh freely like this? It sounded good in the ears. They were like loud bells that wake up the senses in Kisa. For a long, long time, Kisa had his eyes only at the chuckling man. He too ended up smiling at his own stupidity.

_"Sorry..."_ Yukina exhaled, still grinning widely. His eyes moist, his voice a little raspy. _"I was just surprised...when you space out there's no limit to what surprises you show me."_

_"Hai. I'm stupid, go on laugh to your heart's content."_

Yukina comfortably sat on his car seat. He briefly looked at the front, calming his breathing from laughing too much. And then what he did the next made Kisa's depression, sad thoughts and self-pity the entire day vanish like smoke.

The prince turned his head towards Kisa. He smiled. A blinding smile. A smile that can steal someone's soul. How many times does this man intend taking Kisa's soul without even knowing it? There'd be nothing left for Kisa if this went on.

_"Thank you, Kisa-san."_

_"Huh?"_

_"I'm not really sure myself, but really, thank you."_

* * *

When Kisa blinked in front of him, he had to step back. Although what his back felt was the sturdy doorframe instead and no new distance was made. He didn't know and didn't realize how Yukina Kou was already standing so close before him. Both were at the door frame, their background the gently billowing white blankets and the blue sky.

"You've already betrayed me so many times Yuri, you think I won't be able to strike you back?" Yukina's expression was dark. A complete contrast to the almost sightly summer morning. "If you still want to go on travelling in one piece, say something that would please me."

Kia was almost crumpling the folder with her delicate hands. Maybe watching the two was not a good idea. She was becoming tense and it might not be good for the baby in her. But she couldn't look away. She was into it. She was drawn to it.

The woman's brown eyes were glued at the folder then. She slowly lifted her gaze to the two men before her. Strangely, the two men standing so close in a manner where the other was looking down and the other was looking up didn't feel disturbing. Most naturally at any occasion, Kia might have felt a little alarmed. But that moment, she couldn't even care less about gender and who was acting what.

"So when two actors are in zone...this is what happens..." Kia whispered, awaiting the end.

The prince leaned in closer, invading what little space there was left. "You're so money crazed you're willing to sell every bit of yourself to the devil?"

Kisa's hard expression the entire time, mixed in with confusion, belwilderment and awe, had been second by second replaced by an odd, defeated smile.

What Kisa said made everything in the living room stand still.

"I'm in love with you."

"...?"

Yukina's eyes widened for a fraction of a second.

Enamoto Kia had to check back at the script in her hands. She flipped to it, stared at the end, flipped back and searched.

There was no such line.

* * *

The seconds that passed by felt like an eternity for Kisa. He felt like his tongue had gone numb. He deeply wished he could snap out of this numbness. The longer the time without saying anything would be making it a lot harder for him to make it appear as a joke. What the hell was he saying in broad daylight?

Hot air came in to the open doors, passing through their faces. Watching the breeze play on Yukina's hair, the strands gently hitting the man's eyes which had been only staring down at him for quite some time now, made Kisa all the more regretful. The prince wasn't an amateur. He too had memorized the script. It was possible that Yukina could already see past through him.

"Uh..."

Finally able to feel his senses coming back to him, Kisa hurriedly turned his head at the woman on the couch. He had twisted a little abruptly he thought he broke his neck. Awkwardly, Kisa stepped away from the door frame, away from the silent man. And in the middle of the room, the raven embarassedly laughed.

"Ah, Enamoto-san...the last thing I said isn't written in the script, is it?"

Enamoto Kia, who seemed to have gone to her own spacing, blinked a couple of times. She threw a curious look at the prince and then nodded at Kisa.

"Yes...somehow..." the woman replied, turning to the pages of the script again. "You nailed everything in that part except this..."

The raven turned his head a little towards Yukina who was still by door, only watching him. He lifted a hand to the back of his head and ungracefully scratched that part.

"Ahaha...gomen!" Kisa exclaimed, forcefully producing an apologetic and idiotic grin in his slightly quivering lips. "I am studying another character I must have mixed the line from there over Yuri's..."

Yukina Kou stared a few more seconds before dropping his gaze into the folder in his right hand. His profile was unreadable. However, the blank expression he had was replaced by a slight smile the minute he looked back at the people in the living room.

"It's not surprising to mix up lines...it's alright."

Hurriedly wanting to disappear, to collect his scattered brains and bones that seemed to have left him, Kisa waived a hand in the air. And then walked like a hurried geisha across the living room.

"Eh-I just remembered, there are still clothes in the dryer I need to hang," Kisa knew how lame that excuse was. But he'd exchange anything for a quiet place to breathe and calm his senses. "Excuse me for a while..."

Seeing Kisa Shouta disappeare into one of the smaller rooms in the house, Yukina started tapping the folder into his other free hand. He approached the pregnant woman who had a perplexed look in her eyes. She was still staring at the direction Kisa just disappeared into.

"Ne, Kou...Kisa-san...was acting strange..."

Yukina carefully pulled the folder that Kia was holding and overlapped it with the one he had. He gently smiled, patting Kia on the head once before straightening up again.

"How are you feeling?"

Kia blinked at the change of subject. She knew right away that Yukina didn't want her to continue lingering with the matter.

"I'm fine," Kia replied with a smile. She stood slowly and carried with her the still half-full cup of milk that already has gone cold. "Morning sickness is hard to deal with...but Kisa-san's always there encouraging me so it's better than being alone back then."

"That's nice to hear...anyway where are you going? Seriously watch your step."

The woman grinned. "Back to the room. There's this motherhood program I wanted to see."

"Eh...aren't you the excited mom?"

"I just don't want to be a failure again..." she said those a little too depressingly. Her large eyes a lake of emotions as she held her gaze at the man's pair of golden orbs. "I can go back up on my feet right?"

"You can," Yukina whispered as he raised a hand, reaching to the woman's cheek. "And you will."

Kia smiled. The smile that Yukina had always loved. Sweet, honest, pretty. It made the man's chest pound. That kind of wild beating he always experienced whenever he would catch the woman look at him ever since they were young. That seemed to have not changed at all.

"Careful."

"Hai, Hai..."

Yukina released a somehow troubled sigh as he watched the woman of his dreams carefully make her way back to the raven's bedroom. Seeing the woman so frail, Yukina could not help but want to reach out and assist her. Still, he remained just watching. He needed to maintain the proper distance. Kia also had said it herself the night he and Kisa came to pick her up from the country-side. She wanted to learn how to get by on her own.

Yukina then moved his gaze at the slightly open door close to the kitchen. The place where Kisa Shouta ran off to.

Sighing again because of the time he was seeing at the wall-clock, Yukina started taking large strides towards where Kisa Shouta had gone to. For some reason, the wild beating sensation that started earlier with Kia, there sprouted a very uncomfortable sensation close to pain, close to guilt.

The prince knew he was about to do something cruel.

* * *

The raven wasn't lying when he said there were still clothes in the dryer he had to hang. Only that he was standing before the machine and had just been toying with the clothes inside it. If it was only possible to just jump into the dryer and lock himself inside, he would have done it.

_"What the hell did I just do?" _Kisa gritted, twisting a shirt inside the dryer as if it was his own neck he was wringing. "_I confessed! What the hell...I confessed out of the blue!"_

Kisa ruffled his hair exasperatedly before leaning over the machine almost hugging it. His forehead could feel the cold and smooth surface of the edge of the dryer. He wanted to vanish.

_"What should I do? He knows...he definitely knows..."_

Breathing in and out, his ears buzzing with the rush of his blood through his veins, he murmured a silent prayer. That Yukina Kou would just leave for the day. To have some time to think and rehearse how to act.

Funny he was proud of his acting skills, yet this very moment, he couldn't even lie properly to save his sorry self.

Kisa heard an even funnier sound though. The sound of a door clicking and locking close. When Kisa turned towards the door of the laundry room, he gulped. It seemed like his prayer hasn't been answered.

* * *

"Oh...Yukina!" Kisa exclaimed. The high-spirited, jolly greeting only made him more obviously self-conscious.

Kisa Shouta's house wasn't that big. To say to the point, it was only enough for one to two persons. Every room and every space was somewhat cramped. Including this very laundry area. The washing machine, electric dryer and some cabinets, including the pot of some nameless plant that Kisa had dragged inside it to make it more 'homey' took most of the space.

There wasn't much space left to move about. So despite Kisa wanting to focus to something else, he could only stay on where he was. The two of them, stuck in that space, stuck in that silence, made Kisa give up the silly act.

His real emotions started showing on his face as he lowered his gaze to the floor. The only thing he could take gazing at was the prince's indoor slippers.

"Shouldn't you be leaving already?" Kisa quietly asked. "You'll be late..."

The man by the door eyed Kisa intently. His hands inside his jeans, his back against the door, his breathing calm. Everything in this man appeared to be so calm and collected. Yet one angle past the man's broad shoulder and the expression of some emotion other than 'calm' was there.

"Kisa-san...about earlier..."

"ItoldyouIjustgotitmixedup," Kisa mumbled, almost stumbling with his own words.

Yukina raised his eyes to the low ceiling shortly. If he so much tiptoed, his head would hit it. He closed his eyes, opened them and brought his troubled gaze back to the raven.

And then unexpectedly, Yukina murmured "I'm sorry."

"...?"

The pale blue eyes that were boring holes into the indoor slippers across him slowly climbed upwards. The act was already that tiring. But what was more mindblogging for Kisa was that "I'm sorry". His mouth was half-open, his eyes round and questioning.

"You might not believe this given how weird and unnatural we've become acquantained," Yukina continued with his eyes now never leaving the ashen face of the raven. "I am not so much of a bad person. I'm not really that cold. I'm not a clueless guy either. I appreciate all the things you've done for me, including putting up with my selfishness..."

"..."

"And most of all I've started liking you so much more as a person..."

Kisa felt he needed the dryer now for some new purpose. Something to grab on. Something to hold on. Something to prevent him from slipping unsightfully to the floor.

"But I'm sorry..."

Gripping the slippery edge of the electric dryer, Kisa started producing a chuckle. "What...sorry for what?"

Kisa knew what that was for. But he had nothing else to say. His brain was completely a mess, his head a disgusting decoration over his shoulders. It wasn't working.

"Your feelings..." Yukina whispered very softly. "I cannot return them..."

The previous forced grin vanished from Kisa's lips. His face was blank. The only ever sign that he was still within this world was the weak nod he gave Yukina after such a long time. His lips remained shut. They looked like they had no intention of ever opening again.

That in itself troubled Yukina.

"Kisa-san..."

The smaller figure turned his face towards the detergents lined in an open cabinet, not wanting to look at Yukina. Kisa stared at them, as if almost memorizing the labels. Yukina brushed a hand over his face, seriously burdened by this complicated matter.

Wanting to say something, the prince grew stiff instead.

"...?"

The wet line that started appearing from one corner of the raven's eyes down to his jaw made the prince almost stagger where he was standing. He knew from the raven's actions lately that the latter must have some special emotions towards him. He didn't really expect it was to _this_ extent.

"..."

The very effort of Kisa to make his sniffing not to be so loud rang strongly into Yukina's head. The dark-blonde was surely going to be late. It wouldn't look good on him as a professional but he just couldn't leave like this.

"Kisa-san...please...don't cry..."

"Easy to say..."

"..."

"I didn't plan on letting you know. I am not prepared and we're in a give-and-take convenient tie. But I must have hidden it so poorly, haven't I? And then before I knew it, it just escaped my mouth..." Kisa glanced at Yukina. "I'm sorry...please don't mind me. I've also started liking the friends we have become...so just forget all about me being a homosexual, forget all about it."

When Yukina saw how Kisa turned back to looking at the detergents in that cramped room, he took a step closer. Just close enough for him to be able to reach out to the limp hand on the raven's right side. It was surprisingly hard to do it now compared when feelings were left at bay. Compared when feelings were of no concern. They had had sex, got closer than anything else without so much problems. Now just touching skin was suddenly so hard it was taking great effort.

The prince squeezed the somehow rough hand of Kisa. It was so obvious how the latter tried to live with hardwork and diligence. "Don't say it that way."

"..."

"Kisa-san...look at me please."

The raven refused to do it.

"Look at me."

Kisa flinched at the stern voice that came from Yukina. It didn't sound angry. But there was something in it that made him slowly lift his gaze and hesitantly focus towards that face.

"I am not saying 'no' because you're a guy," Yukina explained in a soothing voice. His lips in a sad smile. "After all the things we've done, it's too late for you to say or think that I may be disgusted or anything in line with that..."

"..."

"It's just that..."

Kisa could feel the hand holding his grow tighter. It was painful. But he didn't make an attempt to pull away or fight back.

"It's just that I am the only one Kia has right now...I promised I'll be her support..."

"..."

"She always act tough and cheery...but I know better..."

"..."

"Please understand...I don't hate you Kisa-san."

Kisa's vision blurred. "But you don't love me."

Lost for words, Yukina rigidly watched the small face before him. Both were plainly looking at each other, as if seizing things up the losses that this may bring. The confession and the rejection cycle would never be without damage. However, clearly both didn't want that 'damage' to come.

It was a very long stretch of time where only their breathing could be heard. The sound of a water dropping from a slightly left open faucet echoed through the cramped tiled floor. The scent of fabric conditioner became stronger. An insect from outside started flying around the turned on light bulb.

It was Kisa who moved first. He sighed. A very, very deep sigh it seemed like it was worth of years of sighing. Tiredly, Kisa patted the top of Yukina's hand holding his right one.

"I understand," Kisa hoarsely mumbled. "It's alright."

Although Yukina could see it was everything but 'alright', he never said a thing.

"I wish nothing changes?" Kisa added almost as if trying to make it sound that the whole incident wasn't such of a big deal. "We'll stay the same right?"

Yukina forced himself to smile and just nodded.

After a very long pause, when Kisa's cheeks had already dried up, when Kisa could already gaze over Yukina's face with much ease, Kisa finally smiled. His pale blue eyes too did the same, narrowing into slits the lingering tears in them fell down. It made him look like smiling while crying or crying while smiling.

Yukina wouldn't deny he had the strong urge to reach out and wipe them off with his thumb. But he held that urge in.

"Sorry again..." the prince mumbled softly.

"Hmmm..."

Not even in Kisa's wildest dreams had he seen his feelings would be exposed in such a failure and that he would be politely rejected a few minutes after.

Ah, polite rejections actually hurt the most.

Kisa felt dejected and small and sad. Yet at the very side of his depressed heart, he could feel a small light of relief.

If there was only one merit of being rejected, that was he didn't need to hide anymore. He would be free to plainly show what he feels. Free to act how he wanted. Stopping never occured to him.

There was this silly saying that was once so popular. Kisa had never believed in it though. But right now, he wished that it was true. It went as even if the guy had no affection for the girl, once the girl confesses, it was inevitable that the guy would think about that girl once in a while. That 'once in a while' would reach until every day, then every night. Until she was the only thing he could think of. The logic was the same for everyone, for every preferences.

It was a silly wishful thinking that others may take for as a joke. But to those who knew the pain a one-sided love could bring, this was a life-saving thought that makes them hang on to their hope.

Kisa continued watching the somehow unrelaxed manner the other was looking at him.

"..."

The raven could still feel the tingly throbbing in his center. It was hot, searing, uncomfortable. The kind that one wants to claw at hard to take the itch away. He knew he had a deep wound in him. They said time will heal it. But how do wounds that couldn't bleed even start healing?

That pain would remain as long as he don't stop. Like a pressure from under the the depths of the world that shakes the earth's surface. Maybe one day it would drive him to the edge. A scary future he couldn't even see.

After all the acting being tough, at the end of the day, it hurts. It hurt so much.

So this was _real_ pain.

Kisa had to avert his gaze to the cream colored cabinet to the side. His eyes were starting to betray him again.

"Kisa-sa-"

"Can I ask you something?" Kisa cut in. "Give me an honest answer alright?"

Patiently, Yukina waited.

"If Enamoto-san..." Kisa had to draw a couple of deep breaths to continue. "If she asks you to come back...marry her...be the baby's dad...would you?"

For a summer season, within that confined laundry room, it was a mystery where that cold air came from. Yukina felt it blowing at his face, chilling him. It made him move his gaze about the room, searching for that coldness.

Kisa looked at Yukina just when Yukina looked at Kisa.

"I'm so stupid to even be asking..." the raven sighed. He walked right across the tall wall blocking the door and patted that very same wall playfully on the chest. "Can you move now? You'll be late and it's hot in here Mr. Superstar."

"..."

The wall finally found its feet and he was the one to push open the door for Kisa.

Kisa grinned, although his eyes were still a bit reddish. Almost gliding out, he suddenly stopped just beside the taller man. The raven glanced up, his eyes still reddish.

"Good luck with the shoot, Kou."

The prince was left staring at the retreating back of the other.

* * *

Yukina closed the door gently behind him, feeling the cooler air against his skin. The faint television sounds served as the remaining lively background. Enamoto Kia's muffled laughter from the bedroom as she laughed with the comedianne hosts sometimes would mingle softly with it, creating a happy note. As if nothing painful and depressing happened in one of that very house's rooms.

Yukina sighed and lethargically started moving. He walked to the empty living room, grabbed his keys, grabbed his bag. He walked to the main door, pulled it open and went out. Pausing before finally leaving, hand on the cold knob, the prince glanced back inside the house.

_"...marry her...be the baby's dad...?" _the question lingered in the air.

It was a question Yukina had asked himself so many times. He'd made up his mind about this matter long ago. He can do anything for Enamoto Kia.

Anything meant everything, everything meant anything.

However, the once solid decision had started forming little cracks around it.

The creaking of the door as it closed, drowned a very, very faint "_I don't know"._

* * *

_**chapter end notes:**_

thank you for the time reading! please share your thoughts! XD i don't know if it's good news for you guys or not. but i have finished a couple of new chapters already. wahahahahaha. i wanted to keep a steady schedule so it's fueling me to be on a roll.

~~~ check on my profile for the next update as the schedule may change once in a while!XD

~~~~ thanks for the kinds words and support!

-+shuusetsu


	9. Chapter 9

**IX**

* * *

He was walking with his head bowed. Looking at his feet in the sea of the evening rush hour, he could feel his shoulders hitting one person after another. Someone cursed at him. Someone even tried grabbing him. Someone shouted at him. But all he ever did was walk while in his impregnable shell.

"I had to do it..." he whispered. Without even knowing, he had started hugging his self, lips pale, body shivering. "Yes...I had no choice..."

When he lifted his gaze at the front, salary men and women were moving towards him. He couldn't make out their faces. They all looked the same. Their same expressions scared him. It scared him so much.

"...?"

He lifted his gaze towards the spiteful dark sky. His hands had gone limp against his sides.

This cold night marked him being different from all the rest. This moment marked the road he had taken without turning back. And whether he wanted to go back, he can't. He was no more himself.

Some passerby threw him curious looks. Others looked at him as if he was crazy.

Hasn't he gotten enough of everything? A seriously ill half-brother. Now, even his daughter was struck with the same illness.

Screw life. Screw everything. Screw living.

That road before him where lightning-speed cars were had been a very tempting scenery for him lately. But each time he wanted to just jump right through it, he would remember the scornful looks of his half-brother. The half-brother he deeply love past blood-relationship. He would remember the heaven-like laughter of his two year-old daughter.

And then those would completely make him unable to move. Only crying he could do to escape the hurt, the pain, the misery.

Money. He needed money. He needed them more than anything else.

But he was an idiot. He couldn't even stay focused in his college classes for fifteen minutes.

His outward appearances that brought him only problems and unreal relationship for once had become an important commodity.

But it was so painful. The only thing he had taken pride of, self-respect, he had to throw away.

For the first time, he let someone, a total filthy-rich bastard, invade his body.

"..."

He looked back towards his feet. His tattered white sneakers just a blotch. Like rain, those very sneakers received droplets of endless pain.

Yukine had a soiled 100 million yen check in his jeans. His first pay.

_"I've sunk so low..." _he gritted. _"So filthy...I've become so filthy..."_

But filthy and filthier he would become. For the two persons that mattered in the world, he would. He can finally have his unrequited love and daughter get immediate operation.

_"It's alright...I'm alright..."_

Every time he visited the hospital, he always had a wide smile on his face. As if the more pain he was feeling, the wider he was smiling.

"..."

By the time Kisa lifted his gaze from the folder on his lap, he was running after his breath. He wiped his face with his hands. He continued wiping them over and over but his tears won't stop. And just like that he sobbed. Painful, heart-wrenching.

Completely absorbed with Yukine's pain, Kisa had awaken his own wound.

Now he had a reason to cry like this. He had an excuse.

"Kisa-san?"

Enamoto Kia who was in the shower had to hurriedly dry herself when she heard a strange sound. When she walked out of the bathroom, hair dripping wet, worried, what she saw was a Kisa Shouta bawling on the sofa.

The man had pulled himself in a tight ball. Crying, sobbing, hiccuping.

She made her way towards the new friend she made. Gently, hesitantly, she lifted a hand and rested it on top of the raven's shoulder.

"Kisa-san...you've been reading that story for the last two hours..." she sighed. "Each time you're crying like this..."

"It hurts..." Kisa mumbled. "He's so unfortunate..._I'm so unfortunate_..."

The woman's brown eyes showed sadness in them. "I'm in no position to say this Kisa-san...but there's no unfortunate person...one way or another, everything will lead to something good. You told me yourself...I am carrying now a life that makes me want to hang on..."

She gave a small smile.

"That Yukine story you allowed me to read, I am sure...although not all are happy endings...he's not unfortunate..."

Kisa Shouta lifted his gaze towards the gentle woman's voice. His eyes widened and he let out a silent gasp.

"Enamoto-san?!" Kisa almost shouted, his own face a mess. "Go get dressed! What are you doing walking in only a robe?! What if you get sick?!"

The woman giggled. "What a worry-wart! Look at your face, you still have an audition right? How do you plan on facing everyone with that bloated mug?"

Kisa ignored his tears that were still lingering in his eyes and hurriedly stood. "Please, dry yourself properly already."

"Kisa-san..." Kia frowned. "You have an audition right?"

The raven glanced at his wrist watch and sighed. 10 am, it bragged. "It's alright. Yukina's not here, and the auntie he contacted should be arriving soon. The audition's not until one. I'll leave once she arrives."

Kisa looked eye to eye with the woman. With not much of a height difference, the act was so easy. Given that, the man was able to see more clearly into the woman's clear eyes, now the color of light-coffee. They were sincere orbs that he too find very appealing to look at.

"I wish your kid gets to have your eyes..." Kisa out of the blue mumbled, his tears finally drying up.

Kia intently looked back at the other, suddenly grinning boyishly. "No...I wish my baby gets to have eyes like yours."

"My eyes?"

The woman smiled. "You might not know it yourself...but they're very expressive Kisa-san."

Kisa had only received compliments such as being young-looking, having good-skin, being youthful. No one, not a woman had told him this while looking straight to him this sincerely. And strangely, he was feeling light and embarassed.

"You're exaggerating!" Kisa laughed. He then moved behind the woman and pressed his palms on the woman's shoulders. "Alright, enough with the sentiments and get dressed! Your baby's getting cold!"

The woman laughed as she felt the raven trying to make her walk towards the bedroom. "Kisa-san...now I can see why Kou speaks highly of you!"

"...?"

Kia allowed herself to be pushed towards the bedroom, her looking at the ceiling with a happy smile.

"He said you're a very dependable person. A treasure in the two-faced, lime-light crazed entertainment industry. He can't trust people too much in your field since in a way, all of you are rivals for fame...but he said you're different."

"..."

"Ah...and he told me you're a great actor. I've seen it myself earlier so no wonder!"

When finally they reached the door to the bedroom, Kisa jokingly pushed the woman in and slammed the door shut.

"Both of you like to exagerate!" Kisa shouted at the door, hearing the woman laugh from the other side.

"..."

Slowly, Kisa turned around. Without thinking, he had rested his back against the door. His hand had reached out to the center of his chest. He was wearing a lose white shirt over a thin black long sleeves he had rolled reaching to his elbows. His clothes were lose enough but he felt constricted. His chest was pounding. His chest was pounding really fast that he could hear it clearly in his ears.

_"I'm a...t-treasure? Someone he trusts?"_

That was a real news to the raven. Never had he thought the prince would say such things about him. Never had he expected that the man was paying attention to him, despite the matters enveloping them.

His boat was clearly in an unsteady ocean. One moment he was depressed. Next moment he was being this elated.

Kisa ran to the living room to take the script for his audition. He was now very, very motivated as if he could get past any hurdle.

He'd win this role. Surely.

"..."

He just got dumped. There he was, getting all flustered and happy again.

* * *

_"Shouta?! Where on Earth are you?!"_

Kisa had to pull his cellphone a couple of inches away from his ears. Hizaya was really shouting at him madly this time.

_"You know what time it is?!" _Hizaya barked.

The raven who was by the window, trying to catch a breeze to cool down from the summer heat, bowed in apology. He did though there was no one. It was such a reflex.

"Gomen...I'll be there soon...I'm just waiting for the auntie..."

_"Shouta..."_ Hizaya sounded like he was really having a hard time controlling his voice. _"Sometimes I really just wanna hit you, you know that?"_

Kisa couldn't help but smile despite of the anger of the other. "Please no...see the built difference, I'd end up in a coma."

There was a deep sigh that Kisa heard on the other line. He could already imagine a Hizaya who was shaking his head in defeat.

_"Want me to pick you up?" _

The shoot for the commercial the man was currently doing happened to be near the venue for Kisa's independent film audition. Kisa had actually seen this offer coming from the man.

"As if you're not busy yourself!" Kisa joked. "I'm fine, thanks though."

_"Seriously...get moving!"_

"Hai, hai..."

The last time Kisa had looked into his wrist watch, it said 11:30. Now it was 12. He seriously needed to get going if he didn't want to be late. An hour he could make it. If he moved like a lightning and ran like a bullet, he'd be there huffing but on time.

If someone would measure the distance Kisa Shouta had made by pacing the living room back and forth, maybe he had already covered the entire distance from Hokkaido to Okinawa. Even Enamoto Kia who was just silently sitting on the sofa, was becoming really worried.

"Kisa-san...you will not make it if you don't start moving now..." the woman tried to push in some sense to the raven who was still circling around the room. "I can wait for the auntie. She should be here any minute."

"No..." Kisa mumbled. "I won't be able to be at ease until I am sure she's here with you. There's no meaning for me and Yukina taking turns in staying with you if I leave you now."

The pregnant lady pouted. "You're making me feel really useless now you know?"

"..." Kisa stopped in the middle of the room and met with the woman's large eyes. "I didn't-"

"If you miss the audition because of me I'd really be depressed."

"But..."

"Kisa-san...go."

The raven bit his lip. His heart was saying go and fly to the audition he was so looking forward to. But his mind was saying 'wait', 'stay', 'be still'. He couldn't decide.

"But I'm..."

"Kisa-san...don't waste the efforts you poured over that story memorizing and rehearsing on your own because of worrying about me. I've lived a month alone in that rent house just so you know."

Pursing his lips, Kisa couldn't remove his gaze at the woman's sitting form, at her no-so-obvious four-month babybump, towards that assuring smile.

"Go," Enamoto Kia nodded towards the door. "I'll be careful on my own..."

"..."

A swelling, spreading feeling of gratefulness and pure appreciation welled in Kisa. He covered the few distance between him and the woman and hugged her. First time for Kisa to ever hug a woman like this in his entire life.

"Seriously don't move an inch from where you are sitting okay?" Kisa mumbled almost in a hurry. "Watch your step. Don't open the door to strangers. And always hold your phone. You got it?"

Kia inhaled the strange sweetness she could smell from the man and closed her eyes.

"Kisa-san...you're so sweet you know that? Like apples..."

The raven pulled away with a frown. "You got it? Answer me."

The woman smiled, patting Kisa's hand on her arm. "Roger that."

Finally gracing the pregnant woman his relieved smile, the woman smiled back too. Kisa then grabbed his bag on the floor, went out and ran his way towards the main road where taxis pass by.

Kia sighed, the silence of the house finally sinking to her. She darted her eyes around before looking out the window. The sky was really blue. The weather so pretty.

"Ne...baby..." the woman whispered as she closed her eyes. "Come out healthy and well okay? You've got a very good and cute god-father who's very worried for you already, he sounded like a mother himself..."

She smiled sadly. "Don't hate your father for leaving us though...he's just...scared like me..."

Slowly, the woman started laying her back on the sofa. She heard the wind-chime from the window of Kisa's open bedroom and exhaled. She then rested her hands on the area where her angel was, feeling drowsy.

_"I don't want you to grow without a dad..."_

* * *

If he wasn't so grateful to this certain someone, he would have surely smacked him squarely on the face like a mosquito. But he couldn't. He couldn't cause a racket to the audition.

One brow twitching in annoyance, Kisa focused his eyes towards the front and not to the leech beside him.

"Your disguise isn't helping you one bit..." Kisa Shouta hissed through gritted teeth. "Why are you here? You got a commercial shoot right?"

Kagetora Hizaya nonchalantly grinned and patted Kisa on the back a little too roughly. "I'm here for support, idiot. My shoot's just in the building across. Besides, the director's my friend...and everyone wants to impress him so no one would flock this mighty me."

The raven threw a disbelieving glance at Hizaya before totally shutting himself in a zone of observing and studying. He barely made it in time. However, lucky for him, there was a mechanical malfunction that had to be fixed first before the auditions start.

On the sixth level of an apartment complex, the independent film team had the entire floor to themselves. Most of the rooms had already been changed into little 'themed' rooms where they film short scenes. The one where they were had a rustic, gloomy feel to it. No appliances, no decorations. Just a bare patchy grey wall and bare grey floor with a warm, yellowish lighting effects positioned up the ceiling.

There was no stage. Just a long table and three chairs for the persons judging and a couple of rows of plastic chairs behind for those waiting to be called.

_"Three...eight..."_

When Kisa counted the remaining people seated along with him, there were about 27 people auditioning for the 'Yukine' role. The first three people who got to finish were all not half-bad. It was no surprise that people who're already members of a theater acting group and aspiring stars were there as well.

"..."

Kisa drew a deep breath. Strange. He was starting to get nervous.

"Do I sense worry in the air?" Kagetora sarcastically whispered into Kisa's ears. "You're better than that..."

"Shut up...don't underestimate others," Kisa hissed as he jabbed a finger at Hizaya's side. "And move away!"

Kagetora groaned, pretending in pain. However, when Kisa looked more closely to the man's face, he realized that this overconfident man was actually, really, paying attention to the audition. His face was serious, his eyes keen and hawk-like.

The raven started feeling pressured. Yet in line with that pressure was a confidence too that was boosted by Hizaya's words. If this acclaimed actor who'd gone to endless auditions and trainings and has done countless movies says he's better than the rest, that was already a compliment at its best.

Kisa balled his fists and watched the fourteenth young man to stand at the front. This was battle.

"Alright...number fourteen..." the director who had a very curly hair tied in a long ponytail started. From behind he looked so lazy as if he had no motivation to do this at all. But Kisa knew this was just one of some director's tactics to intimidate someone, to pour down more pressure.

"Smile while crying."

"Eh?"

The young man at the front was very pleasant to the eyes. He perhaps was no older than twenty. Fresh, good-looking, and well-built. His slightly tanned complexion glowed enchantingly under the warm lights.

"Show me a smile so sad you ended up crying," the director said lethargically. The back of his shirt said 'Raayu'. "Scene six, Yukine's trying to wipe his ailing brother's body from a high fever but the brother pushes him away and calls him a faggot. Yukine ignored it, didn't he? Instead he smiled, trying to understand his homophobic step-brother. Make me see that."

"Number Fourteen" swallowed hard. Aside from the lethargic director, there were equally lazy-looking people on either sides of him. Two women who looked like twins just stared at the front while twirling their long locks around their fingers.

The young man staggering, faced the wall first. One could see from his shaking shoulders that he was very, very nervous. However, when he turned back to face the judges, to face the others, he was already a different person.

_"He's good..." _Kisa thought as the young man without lines or anything acted in the front. He found a real rival this time.

"Eh...in a second he's got real tears falling down his cheeks. He's got a friggin' water falls somewhere..."

"Shut up..." Kisa hissed at Kagetora almost laughing. Although it was true. The kid had a very awesome control of things so it seemed.

Glancing at the card-number clipped at the pocket of his jeans, Kisa breathed in deeply. As the number of people got lesser, the nervousness in him got a lot bigger. His number was '17'. It felt distant, yet whisperingly near.

Once in a while, Kisa would glance at his phone though despite his growing uneasiness with his nearing turn. So far, there wasn't any message or call. Not from Yukina Kou. Not from Enamoto Kia.

But just as he was about to put his phone back in his bag, an unregistered number flashed on his screen.

"...?"

Leaning to take a look at the other's phone, Kagetora reminded, "Oi, no phones."

"I'll answer this outside. Happy?"

* * *

God knows how happy and relieved Kisa was when he answered the call. Truth be told, he was very scared when he saw the unregistered number. He was so scared he almost lost his grip to his phone while making his way outside of the audition room.

_"Good luck Kisa-san! We'll drink after you passed the auditions alright?!"_

Kisa felt his legs weakening at the relief. "Kiyora-san...don't talk about drinking and everything when I haven't even gotten the role yet..."

_"What are you saying?! Claim it already! Claim it!"_ the woman stubbornly cheered.

"Hai, hai...thanks. Please do me a favor and inform me when you're changing numbers...you almost gave me heart malfunction!"

When Kisa glanced at the sound of footsteps, he saw Kagetora Hizaya with a worried look on his face. The taller man mouthed 'what's wrong', keenly observing Kisa's face.

"Yeah, bye..." Kisa answered before lowering his phone.

The raven then grinned at Hizaya, a wide smile, an almost melting one. "A friend cheering me up..."

Hizaya looked relieved too. He deeply sighed and started frowning once more at Kisa.

"You're bad for my heart, you know that?" the taller man said, sighing.

Hurriedly, Kagetora draped his heavy arm over Kisa's shoulders and motioned to drag the other back to the auditions. Just giving in with the man's childish acts, Kisa followed along with his smile still playing on his lips.

Black orbs narrowed when he realized that Kisa was again looking at his phone. Playfully, the man grabbed the phone even before Kisa could see who the caller was.

"Hizaya!"

The taller man turned to the other side, completely ignoring Kisa. "Hai, hai...this is Kisa-chan."

The raven moved swiftly before the taller man with a deep frown. Because of his fast movements, the clipped audition number in the pocket of his jeans fell to the floor. Kisa bent to pick it up. Yet before he could reach to it, he had the urge to gaze up at his friend.

Kisa's previous relief had been replaced by a gnawing, scary sensation that sprouted nowhere from within him. Kisa stopped reaching out to the number as he watched Hizaya's smile fading.

Without a word, the taller man extended Kisa's phone back to him.

Pale blue eyes were wide with a painful anticipation. His eyes searched Kagetora's sudden serious ones, never leaving those black orbs as he pressed the phone against his ear.

"...?"

* * *

He was running so fast. Maybe Kagetora was calling him. He couldn't really tell. The buzzing in his ears was so loud that it drowned everything else.

It buzzed and buzzed that it almost sounded like a menacing laughter.

One huge leap after another he did. If he could fly the entire flight he would have done so. But he was just human. Moving so uncoordinatedly, he lost his footing and fell from the last five steps of the stairs.

Did the world tumble over? Was it him? Maybe both.

"Shit! Kisa!" Kagetora shouted from behind. The man hurriedly rushed to Kisa who was still sprawled on the floor. The sound of the raven's fall had been ugly to the ears. "Are you alright? Jeez what the fuck you'd get yourself killed!"

* * *

Many had noticed this already. The princely actor was in no way making mistakes during filming. But during breaks, people would find him staring far away, gazing into nothingness with his phone in his hand.

"..."

Little did they know, Yukina Kou was already wondering why neither Enamoto Kia nor Kisa Shouta was picking up his calls.

* * *

"Damn it Kisa, calm down will you?!"

The raven had gone off to a complete closed box. Hearing nothing else. Seeing nothing else.

Slowly, almost painful to look at, the raven stood. He shook Kagetora's hand off his arm and went on limply walking out of the apartment complex with a frightening blank glaze in his eyes.

"Kisa! I said wait for me! I'll bring the car around!"

* * *

The card numbered "17", along with Kisa Shouta's hopes, aspirations, momentary happiness, were left lying on the cold surface of the sixth floor.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

dundundundun! XD

ahaha..thanks for hanging on with me. XD i can't believe it. we're already on chapter nine? awww...

-shuusetsu

**ps**. and to answer **ichigo-san's **question _(btw, thank you for always the kinds words from you! they encourage me greatly! love lotsXD) _the number of chapters for this fanfiction would be 15, 20 at the most. i intend not to make it as long as the **shadow singer **which is already at it's 70 and still on going. oh for those following that, it will be updated within this month hopefully. XD

THANKS ONCE MORE!


	10. Chapter 10

**X**

* * *

The screeching the car made was a distant and foreign sound to Kisa. He was running absent-mindedly on the side of the streets when strong hands grabbed him, like a leaf pushed him in and the next moment he was seated on the passenger seat of Kagetora Hizaya's car.

"Kisa, put the damn seatbelt will you?"

Kisa fumbled doing that. His hands were shaking. No it weren't his hands shaking. His entire body was. It took great efforts to do that simple thing which had become a lot harder because of his blurry vision.

His eyes were so hot. Like a fever burning from within. The more he tried to calm down, the more was he feeling uneasy. He bowed his head, drew his hands towards his face and desperately prayed.

_"Please I don't know how to handle this anymore!" _was the opening of that very call. It didn't even sink at first._ "When I arrived, she's already like this!"_

_"...?"_

_"Enamoto-san locked herself in the bathroom! She refuses to call anyone...I tried calling Yukina-san but he's not answering! I am very worried about her...I can't just call an ambulance can I?"_

In the background, Kisa could hear the desperate knocking the caller was doing. It was none other than the auntie Yukina had asked to look over his ex-girlfriend.

_"Enamoto-san! Open the door please!" _the middle-aged lady called in between their conversation.

_"Please don't call anyone! I can handle this on my own! Don't make me a burden any more than I am!"_

Kisa could tell from the sounds in that line that Kia was already crying.

The raven drew a deep breath. He didn't even think about it when he just ran completely leaving everything behind.

"Make the baby alright...make the baby alright...please..."

Kagetora Hizaya swallowed whatever anger he had in him. Glancing at Kisa beside him, shaking terribly, pale and afraid, he didn't want to add to the burden.

"Kisa...don't worry too much. I've lived with my sister before and she had contractions once in a while. It's going to be fine."

"No Hizaya. She's in pain. I could tell...I could tell..."

The driver of the car was left only to drive as fast as he could. He swerved. He overtook someone else's. Buddha knows whatever traffic violations or accident these two might end up with. But Kagetora did his best. It was scary even for him to admit that it was as if Kisa's life was the one that depended on it.

Maybe the acclaimed actor wasn't really wrong.

"..."

Kisa raised his gaze towards the front. As if an idea came to him that he was so sure of.

"Yukina'd kill me..."

"Ha?"

But Kisa never said a thing after that.

* * *

He entered without the usual 'tadaima'. He didn't even bother removing his shoes. His steps left this ugly blotches of dirt on the wooden floor Kisa himself had so maintained to be clean and sparkly. His vision was so limited. It was as if someone had put on him restrainers and he could only look straight. No one on the sides mattered.

For Kisa, the first thing that mattered was the closed door to the left. The explanations of the Auntie was a mere garble of words. Kagetora Hizaya's warnings for Kisa to at least slow down were words that came in to his left ear and out from the right.

Without a word, the restless Kisa a few minutes ago had changed into a calm man the moment he stepped in front of the closed bathroom. His frail shoulders had stopped shaking. His entire form as if someone else's.

"..."

Kagetora was about to say something. But the total difference of the raven made him think twice. He roamed his eyes around, he saw the Auntie pale and worried, clasping her hands above her chest, nervously watching Kisa. He saw the very little touches of Kisa's attempt to make his home be homey for the strangers living with him. Hizaya could only think of one thing; selflessness.

_"Why did you call him? I told you it's nothing!" _the woman screamed from the bathroom. The pitch of her voice made it all the more clear it wasn't 'simple'. _"Why did you have to..."_

Kisa drew a deep breath. He raised his hand and knocked twice. The view of that small back felt different for Kagetora.

"Enamoto-san...open the door please," Kisa calmly asked. "Stress isn't good for you."

_"Kisa-san! Go back to your audition! I told you I can handle myself! This is not serious!"_

It was a surprise. Kagetora, literally, in all sense felt his heart pound. The shivers it brought him were strong he stood looking back in a daze. The raven merely smiled at him. Kisa just smiled at him. A smile which painted a million words.

"...?"

Then like how fast it happened was as fast it ended. It felt like it didn't even happen at all. Kisa looked back at the closed door, his hand on the knob.

"It's alright," Kisa said in a livelier voice. "I'm done with the audition when I got the call from the Auntie. I nailed it perfectly. They told me I have a high chance of getting the role..."

Everything that Kisa had said only was just a song with ugly lyrics for Kagetora. The man gritted his teeth, calmed his self down while his hands were in tight fists.

_"Is this another of your acting skills? Smiling to me making sure I seal my mouth shut?" _the man hated that smile earlier from Kisa. He really hated it. But he could do nothing but to just ride a just be silent_. "Damn it..."_

"...so please," Kisa continued. "...let me see you. Don't lock yourself in there."

Silence.

"Enamoto-san..."

_"Really?" _Kia asked, sounding a little more relieved. _"I didn't get in your way, did I?"_

The Auntie worriedly stepped closer to Kisa. Her aging face looked worse.

"I'm sorry...I really wanted to call the ambulance or someone to break the door," she whispered. "But I am aware that this would cause severe complications for Yukina-san, for you and for Enamoto-san too...she didn't want to call the media's attention...I'm sorry..."

Kisa just nodded to the auntie. He completely understands the situation. A princely superstar's pregnant ex-girlfriend, taking refuge at an extra's house? They'd complicate everything, the worse would become at its worse. Then mayhem it would become.

But there was a baby far more important than anything else.

"Enamoto-san...if this isn't really serious...you would allow me to see you. You won't lock the door, and you wouldn't be crying there..."

Just plain silence.

Kisa raised his gaze towards the ceiling and closed his eyes. As if he was gathering strenght from up there.

"You trust me right?" Kisa asked.

After a long, agonizing silence, the bathroom door opened very slowly. Kisa had to look not straight but down, where he could see a pair of stretched out legs behind the door. He could feel the pupils of his eyes dilating at the sight. Scrambling, he went in from the limited opening of the door and rushed to the woman.

"Enamoto-san? What-"

"I slipped," the woman mumbled. What surprised Kisa even more was the woman was trying to laugh, as if it wasn't such a big deal. "I was trying to you know...at least change the shampoo bottles...that's when it happened..."

Kisa gaped at the woman who was severely perspiring.

"It's not serious really...I know...it's my body..."

"You could have lost the baby!" Kisa shouted, grabbing the woman by the arm a little roughly as he checked for blood or anything underneath the woman's dress. Kisa saw nothing but he looked like he was about to cry. "Damn it...call for an ambulance...Hizaya!"

Enamoto Kia looked surprised at the mention of the name. She looked up at the form of the man by the door and was star strucked. She smiled at the new comer. During the time she was with Yukina, whom she idolized was this very man, Kagetora Hizaya and his mature charisma.

The woman then sighed, dried her face with her hands. She then reached out a hand to Kisa's shoulder.

"Let me finish, Kisa-san okay?"

"...?"

"I lost balance and hit my knee against the bathtub...the auntie...she tends to worry too much..." she explained soothingly. "See...it hurts so much earlier...but the pain's subsiding already..."

Kisa stared. He stared at the beautiful face, down to the coming beautiful life in the woman's body. His bent legs lost strength and he ended up sitting on the tiled floor, feeling like a vegetable.

How relieved Kisa was that he almost teared up, his shaking coming back.

"Anyway," Kagetora cut in. "Enamoto-san, I think it's best for you to go get checked up. Pregnant woman slipping is never something to be taken lightly of."

The raven looked up at Kagetora with a face that can't be described. "B-but...Kage-"

"Don't worry Kisa...I've got a friend...she'll never say a thing about this."

Kagetora Hizaya, being the only one capable of securely carrying the woman in his arms, picked the lady up. He did so ever gentlemanly, carefully, seeing the very slightest grimaces from the woman. She felt pain somewhere else aside from that knee she was saying so it seemed.

Silently, Kisa and the auntie followed behind.

"Kisa-san?" Kia called. "You sure you're done with your audition?"

"Hmm," Kisa answered. "It was great."

* * *

"..."

It was still very bright. The afternoon scorching humid. The parked cars served as Kisa Shouta's background. If one looked further up, a huge and new building would obstruct one's view of the very sky. Apparently, the friend that Kagetora was talking about owned a hospital.

The raven was pacing back and forth. His phone glued at his right ear. His teeth busy gnawing at his nail.

_"I'm sorry but the auditions end today."_

Kisa looked up, not seeing the sky but the very memory of the grey room and the panel of judges and the image of the folder in his bag.

"B-but...I just had an emergency-"

_"Kisa-san, you know the rules for crying out loud. No special treatments. You miss the auditions, then you miss the chance for the role."_

Kisa stopped in his tracks, his hand gripping his phone tighter.

"I...really want the role..."

That was something Kisa didn't intend to say for the other line to hear. It just came out. The truth. His desire.

_"Well...consequences. That's what you call consequences."_

"Pleas-"

_"Sorry but we're busy here. Better luck next time."_

The moment the continuous beeping sound screamed at Kisa's ear, the raven had to hold towards something for support. He leaned his weight at a dark-red van behind him and clutched the end of the folder sticking out of his bag.

He could feel the very warnings of his tears staining his face so he did his best to calm himself. He looked around, scanned the parking lot and blinked a couple of times to stop himself from crying. He wouldn't cry here. He couldn't cry here.

He didn't feel one bit regretful about rushing to Kia. He was worried and couldn't be any happier that the baby's fine. It was an accident. But the role. That 'Yukine' role he deeply immersed himself to, it was just not sinking he lost it. It was...beyond disappointment.

"I really want that role..." he almost choked, putting his hand with the phone to his forehead. _"I needed, wanted it..."_

Breathing deep breaths, the raven felt his throat burn. But he continued calming himself. Took him a whole ten minutes to gather his composure back. Took him another five to make himself look presentable.

After feeling his chest finally relaxing, Kisa inserted his phone back to his jeans and walked towards the back entrance of the hospital. The brightness was blinding he had to look at the floor instead of what was ahead of him.

It was all thanks to Kagetora that they were able to get in without hassles. They came as if a caravan of nonexisting humans and was placed at the annex that was used very rarely, by the VIPs.

Kisa saw Kagetora, in the phone too, probably explaining why he, the lead of a commercial was missing. Not wanting to interrupt, Kisa decided to enter into the room further ahead where Kia was confined.

The raven slowly pushed the door open, not really expecting who or what was inside there aside from a sleeping Enamoto Kia.

"...?"

The room was a spacious blur. A doctor. A cast on Enamoto Kia's left knee. And Yukina Kou. These were his surprises.

"The injury to her left knee is actually severe. We put it in a cast to make it heal faster. Also," the woman doctor explained while standing. She was hugging her own folder with a thoughtful gaze over the sleeping form on the bed. "She's having a delicate pregnancy. To be honest, it was a miracle she didn't get a miscarriage."

Yukina Kou had his back on Kisa. The woman doctor continued, nodding a bit at the one by the door.

"She slipped, hit her knee against the tub and fell rather oddly on the floor. Her high blood pressure was too high...please...don't leave her alone next time."

Kisa had to look away. Yukina had just thrown him a glance just after what the woman doctor said. They were daggers of a gaze that made Kisa unable to even almost carry his own weight.

Successful was Kisa in calming himself earlier, perhaps, for the things ahead.

"You can bring her home after a few days," the lady said with finality before heading to the door. She was curious why all these bunch of people turned up to be together. But she held her curiosity in and merely passed Kisa with a patient smile.

"Kisa-san...I noticed your way of walking earlier. You already rejected it but I'm gonna tell you again, you might want to get it checked too."

The woman said this only when she was shoulder to shoulder with the haggard raven. She was taller, with her wearing high-heeled black shoes, all the more was the difference.

Kisa smiled rigidly, not making eye-contact. "It's okay."

The raven was planning on following the woman out. However, any movements from his body seized when he felt the looming presence behind him. The hot, burning breath against his neck sapped his energy.

"Follow me."

After that cold and unfeeling order, Yukina Kou, still in his shoot wardrobe of all stark black from head to foot went out of the room. Kisa Shouta glanced briefly at the pregnant woman's pitiful state and drew a deep breath.

He then followed Yukina Kou, like someone was dragging him to the deathrow.

* * *

The door sign said 'therapy room four". Though there was no one scheduled for that special room, the door was locked from the inside. The vertical blinds of the windows blocked any trace of light from the outside. The thread-mill and other apparatuses for physical therapy gave off a somewhat gloomy feel as they lie there not in use.

Inside that room was very cold. Kisa wondered if the air-conditioners had been left on by the last persons who used the room. He started rubbing his arms, feeling the prominent goosebumps on his skin.

The owner of the pale blue eyes just stood at the center of the room, watching the broad back of the man just across him in silence.

"Why?"

Due to haste, the only switch that the prince was able to hit was the top most one. Out of all the lights made to illuminate the area bright, there was only one working; the one at the farthest corner of the room. The darkness made it all the more cold.

"Why?" Yukina Kou repeated, slowly glancing to the other man behind him. "Are you even listening to me?"

"...?"

"Didn't you promise me you'd look after her?" the man asked, so very obvious the very tone of him trying his best to make his voice even and calm. "You promised so sincerely, I trusted you and this?"

Kisa just continued rubbing his arms, feeling ill. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Yukina exasperatedly laughed as he briefly looked around. "You can't wait a damn hour to wait for the auntie stuck in traffic?!"

"I'm sorry."

Yukina ruffled the back of his head in annoyance and exhaled loudly. "That's all? It was your idea that we take turns watching over her. But you're the one who actually left her alone and broke the deal. For what?"

"..."

"For what?!"

Kisa raised his gaze. Was it strange at this point that he couldn't almost feel anything? He knew this would happen. Everything that Yukina had said was true. It was his idea. So he couldn't say anything back.

"Ah right...I heard from the auntie. Auditions. The auditions you're bragging you nailed perfectly."

"..."

"Why are you just being so silent there?" Yukina hissed, stepping one foot closer. "Do you have any idea...what I felt when I got a call from who? From Kagetora saying he drove Kia to the hospital! I thought the world has ended!"

"..."

"If that audition was so important, you should have told me! I could have cancelled my guesting or whatever and stayed with her instead!"

"..."

"So what now? You freaking broke your promise, left Kia almost getting the baby in danger, for an audition?"

"..."

"Come to think of it, why on Earth, you who said likes me, would take care of someone precious to me?!"

Kisa's hands fell on his sides as he stood lamely in front of the man he loved. Maybe it was really also a mistake for not wanting Yukina to worry about little things. He had acted like superman being able to do everything. He was just trying his best to make everything easy for Yukina. To let the man focus on the things he was doing. Maybe Kisa tried so hard to please. So it backfired worse.

"Stop it already..."

"What?"

"Stop it already," Kisa whispered. "I know. Everything you said, they're true...but Yukina..."

_"I'm sorry but the auditions end today."_

"...I also have a life of my own..."

Yukina Kou's mouth slightly parted to say something. But he lost his chance to say it when Kisa sighed deeply.

Kisa could hear the phone call conversation loud and clear. So vivid as if someone was replaying it over his ears loudly.

_"Kisa-san, you know the rules for crying out loud. No special treatments..."_

Frustration. Unfairness. Guilt. Sadness. Exhaustion. They all didn't mix well for anyone.

"I might not be really worried about Enamoto like you're saying," Kisa breathed out nonchalantly. "Maybe I was just too keen on maintaining my link to you..."

_"You miss the auditions, then you miss the chance for the role."_

"Aren't you exaggerating?" Kisa questioned. "She's fine. The baby's fine. All's fine. Let's go home."

"W-what?"

Kisa closed in the gap between them, glaring at Yukina. Where he got the strenght, he didn't know.

"Why don't you just freaking propose to her already!? If you love her so much then take her home!" the raven screamed at the taller one. "_Someone...stop me..._Now I know why the father left her! She can do nothing! A princess from head to toe! Who slips from changing shampoo bottles!?"

Yukina's face was getting darker and darker by the minute.

_"Sorry but we're busy here. Better luck next time."_

"You both are a perfect match!_ Stop this...This isn't what I want to say..._A prince and a princess! You both love making others' lives miserable! Selfish bastards!"

Everything stood still then. A hand raised in the air. A huge hand with enough effort could send anyone toppling down.

Kisa held his glare. Yukina looked at the other breathing heavily.

Yukina was going to slap the other obviously. His hand though was stuck mid-air. The prince couldn't bring himself to do it. His body, his hand, stopped on its own.

The raven's reddish eyes, the explosion of words, his outburst, made Yukina's one earlier nothing in comparison.

"..."

Slowly, the prince brought his hand down. Tired, he ran a hand over his face.

"That's it? You've been thinking that way the entire time?"

"..."

Kisa had no idea where he got that hold of himself to continue glaring. He might have been possessed.

Yukina stared briefly at the other, and then started leaving.

"You're right. We've been taking advantage of your generosity," Yukina mumbled. "Don't worry. I'll take your advice seriously."

Just before Yukina could reach the door, he heard a sigh. A deep, exhaustive one that made him glance back.

"Did it ever occur to you what it took me to get here?" Kisa said almost in a whisper.

"..."

"Kisa-san, are you okay?" Kisa said almost in a smile. "Yes, I'm fine. The car we were riding almost just jumped off the highway because of rushing. But we managed to get to Kia and bring her here, no worries."

"..."

"You look terrible, Kisa-san," Kisa continued. "I'm alright Yukina. Thanks for the concern."

Yukina stiffly brought his eyes from the other's face down. When he lifted his gaze back to Kisa's eyes, Kisa was no longer looking at him.

"I'm not hurt at all, my body's fine. But how can you be so insensitive? I go giving all my best for you and the best you could do is be angry at me for not taking care of your ex-girlfriend? Do I look like I'm made of concrete? I care for her as much as you do because she's a friend!"

"..."

"I even lost my aud-" Kisa bit his tongue and turned to his side. "N-never mind," Kisa breathed out. "She's got a delicate pregnancy, we can't be fighting at this time..."

"..."

"Act...like nothing happened. For her at least..."

"..."

_"Falling for straight guys, didn't I say it's suicide myself?"_ Kisa thought. _"And here I am..."_

Standing in silence, it felt terrible it was suffocating. This was where a line had been clearly drawn. A line Kisa had been crossing all over. But one that obviously Yukina Kou wasn't sure and wasn't made to cross.

Although there was already a troubled glint in the eyes of the prince, he merely looked one last time at Kisa and turned around. Yukina's loved Kia all his life. You don't just wake up and feel nothing. You just don't wake up changing. You just don't open your eyes and cross an unfamiliar border.

"I over reacted too," Yukina murmured before opening the door. "Yeah...let's do that. For her at least...sorry..."

It was a cruel word. Sorry he yelled? Sorry he almost drew a hand at Kisa? Sorry his love for Kia was still intact? Sorry for using you? Sorry I can never love you?

Sorry the hell for what?

When Yukina Kou left, the spot where Kisa was standing had been accentuanted by something else. The raven just stared at the floor, long and hard. So long his eyes were starting to lose focus. So hard he could feel pain. The clean and tiled floor, even in the dim was visibly drenched.

* * *

Sky so vast has seen it all. The afternoon was enveloped in a gloomy darkness. It made everything look grey and depressing. Even the weather report about a hot and sunny temperature all through out the day had been a mistake.

The sky has seen it all. The clouds understood. They gave their sympathy. They drenched the city wet and cold.

What others couldn't do for Kisa, the sky did.

Weep.

The sky weeped along with the raven aimlessly walking around the unfamiliar streets. Despite everyone busy getting refuge from the rain, Kisa Shouta just walked while inside a world of his own.

Even from a distance, even when his head was bowed, the slight smile on his pale lips was very visible. He would even laugh once in a while but then would stop in its height.

"Maybe the reason I am so into the Yukine role...is because we're both martyrs..." Kisa mumbled, feeling his shoes sinking in a puddle of water. "He and I loved the people we're not supposed to...people who can't love us back...ha...ha...ha..."

Kisa continued walking, not minding the white parallel lines he was on. He even counted a few ones.

"One...two...three..."

When the raven lifted his gaze, only then did he realize he was standing in the middle of the pedestrian lane. The traffic light's on 'blue'. Every car was speeding past him. Blowing strong air all around, some screeching, some slowing down a bit to yell at him.

"..."

He glanced to the side. The people on the side of the road were saying something. It looked as though he'd been seperated from everything else. People were talking but the sounds were sucked into somewhere else. Maybe they were shouting 'come back here'. Or maybe 'just stay there'. Or maybe "you're crazy". He just couldn't hear a thing.

"..."

Slowly, Kisa looked to his front. A painfully bright light was soaring right through him. He just stared. He just watched the very deep blue car, almost black sped towards him.

Strange Kisa didn't bother stepping or moving away. He didn't even budge. He just waited. Maybe this was what 'Yukine' had wanted.

To Kisa's dismay though, the car stopped just an inch away from his soaked self. The door to the driver's side blasted open and an angry driver came hastily to where he was.

"..."

The bright lights was still on in the darkening surroundings which caused a blinding effect towards the coming silhoutte. Traces of the figure's outline were the only things visible.

"In the mood for dying huh?!" the angry man shouted. His voice sounded strangely good together with the pelting rain. Strange too as it was familiar.

Kisa glanced at the expensive looking car and cocked his head to the side. The other's expression showed a surprised recognition.

"What the fuck..." the driver said in astonishment. "...you?"

The man walked closer, peering at the dumb expression the other had.

"What's wrong with you? Are you out of your mind, the traffic light's on 'go'."

There was no way that the distance they had now won't make Kisa see the face. He wouldn't forget this sculpted face. This mahogany hair. This pair of sharp green orbs. This menacing air.

"It is?" Kisa asked like he was about to laugh. He looked at the signals. "Oh...right."

"You're really something, you know that?" the man said almost laughing.

Kisa smiled faintly, feeling a rough hand against his skin. He was being dragged into the car. He never fought back though like how he expressed his animosity to this man before.

"So?" the cool, confident voice asked as he brought the car into a scary speed. "Where do you want to go?"

For the raven, he didn't care who it was. He just found one thing so odd;

Perfect was the timing of this man. The devil always, always knew when to come.

To save him?

To lure him?

Splashes of water made their exit grand. The rain poured down stronger, wilder, angrier. But it wasn't enough to drown Kisa's tired reply.

_"Anywhere..."_

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

hahaha...you haven't forgotten cross yet right? anyway, thanks for the time reading and the continuous support!

**ps.** i chose to write 'blue' in the traffic lights because in Japan, like ive mentioned in one of my fanfictions **"Fragments" ( this story is a heavy one i think), **although it's green or midori, it's become a habit to call it as 'aoi' or blue. during the earlier times, the distinction between 'midori' and 'aoi' wasn't so far as it was considered as the same.

wow...now i've realized...i love hospitals, pedestrian lanes and autumns and snows in my stories. XD

**ichigo-san=== **i'd hug you too! thanks again!

**greenlicious-san===** thank you too for the encouragements and the support!

**everyone** *sniffs* thanks! XD when i am able to invoke any kind of emotion to you from the things i write...i feel glad. XD


	11. Chapter 11

**XI**

* * *

It was different. From the scent of the hair to the feel of the skin. Each time it was getting stronger. Each time getting out of hand drowning his mind, rendering him blank.

_"Don't leave a mark..."_

A voice different from the soft timber of a girl's mingled with the exhaustive breaths. Somehow teasing, somehow ragged, most of all, seductive. The voice warned him so. But he was so sure he didn't take heed as he sucked, as if wanting to draw blood.

This whole body, about to crush in his arms was different. It squirmed under. This raven was so willing. Without holding back he received, welcoming, becoming ever closer and tighter. And he, drowning in the heat leaned down, closer too until there was no more gap left.

This binding of the flesh, so intimately close, so addictingly sensual, was a question in itself.

_"Yukina, there...there...It's almost..."_

It was a searing heat that was enveloping him, the intimacy clouding his brown eyes. The feel of the other's flesh so hot that it was reaching to the back of his head.

Buried deep within someone else's body, almost basically with someone out of his circle, was it possible to feel this much from it?

Does one feel something like this just because of a physical tie? Was this a momentary connection nature had so perfected during these moments? Yukina didn't know. All he did was savor it.

Grunting, he slightly opened his closed eyes. He could feel himself swelling even more, to the point he couldn't take it. A blurry smiling face under him was what he saw. Equally drenched in sweat, equally breathless, so delicate.

_"I've been waiting for you to open your eyes..."_

_"Huh?" _Yukina asked absent-mindedly. The only ever thing he was busy with was to search for that release. The completion. The end of this timely lust.

Lost in the pleasure of each movements, once in a while it flickered in his mind how someone could just openly surrender themselves in this vulnerability. But the call of flesh was hard to ignore. He forgot the thought somewhere along with the sweat lining his back.

The heat, the lust, the sound of skin hitting skin that was echoing through his mind, the creaking of the bed, they stood still. _He_ became still.

"..."

The feeling of fingers brushing against his sweaty cheeks was cold. The feel of the finger tips the strange raven brought him made him stop. It cleared the fog in his mind and a youthful face became clear.

_"Look at me," _the strange man whispered, smiling although Yukina was sure that his movements since earlier must have hurt. _"When we do this...look at me."_

Yukina had no idea why this man was asking him such a thing. One only does that with their precious one. This thing they were immersing themselves into, it was no other than 'finding release'.

_"Look at me..." _Kisa repeated, almost like pleading.

But Yukina could well remember that instead, he did the opposite.

Sex. It was exhaustive as healing. Somehow he forgot about Enamoto Kia. Somehow he forgot that there was a coming life. Somehow there was peace. Somehow he could finally fall into a quiet oblivion; no media, no cameras, just silence.

_"Yukina, are you asleep?"_

The prince's lips stayed shut together with his eyes.

_"Yeah...you must have been tired from so many things..."_

The bed moved softly, the bed-sheets he could feel covered his arm. The brightness in Yukina's closed lids had faded and he could only feel warmness around his waist. His male bed partner probably had snuggled against him.

_"Yuki you're a great guy you know?"_ the voice whispered into the darkness. _"Not anyone could accept a woman with a baby from another."_

Tired body and soul, Yukina exhaled finding comfort from the warm breath hitting his back.

_"Isn't it strange?"_ the voice went on, sounding sleepy itself. _"It hurts seeing you so devoted but I just want to keep on supporting you..."_

In the dark, Yukina opened his eyes. The glint in them strong. The arms around his waist had started sliding down, creating a ticklish feel on his skin. The sound and feel of soft breathing against his spine suddenly woke his senses.

Carefully, Yukina tried turning around. But he halted. He stopped.

_"Tomorrow when we pick up Enamoto-san...I'm sure...you'll lose interest in me already...this set-up would be meaningless...you don't need a stand-in to pretend for you..."_

_"...?"_

_"If next time comes...If God gives me next time to become like this with you again...I hope... you could look at me then..."_

When he opened his eyes, he had to close them once more. It was so bright. So bright it was painful to the eyes. The scent only confirmed his hazy memory. He was in a hospital. In Enamoto Kia's room and he must have fallen asleep.

"..."

Inhaling, the man brushed his fingers through his hair while gazing over the sleeping figure on the bed. The woman was still peacefully sleeping. She looked way better the first time he and Kisa had taken her from that country-side rent house. She even gained a little weight.

"..."

Sluggish, the prince stood and headed to the window covered with blinds. When he pulled it open, a steady pelting rain was what greeted him. The sky colored in deep black as if there was a blanket covering everything.

He watched a few cars coming in and out from the main entrance of the hospital that was visible from where he was. He could not tell however whether they were black or white or red or blue. His mind was completely taken over by that strange dream.

He knew it wasn't just a dream. It was a glimpse of what took place the night before they went to pick up Kia. A night where he, Yukina Kou, deprived in the flesh and in the soul sought the alternatives in the raven's arms instead.

"..."

Now that he had calmed down, he felt...odd. As if a part of his soul was still in that dream and his body moving now was just being manipulated by something else.

"K-Kou?"

The call of the voice made Yukina glance back on the bed. A still sleepy Enamoto Kia smiled sweetly. The prince, by reflex smiled back.

"That's some strange look you have there..." the woman said softly. "Something bothering you?"

Yukina Kou sat back on his chair and leaned close to the woman. He gave a thoughtful smile while tucking the woman's hair strands behind her left ear.

"Nothing...How are you feeling?"

The woman eyed the man for a long time. She closed her eyes then. Her lips in a relaxed, contented smile.

"My knee feels numb and heavy but all in all good..." she answered almost like a purr. "I missed this Kou. Waking up and seeing you, that is..."

"..."

Almost as if he was pricked by something on that bed, the man drew away and settled back on his seat.

"Anyway...Kou...I want to go home tomorrow."

"Huh?"

"To Kisa-san's house I mean..." she opened an eye and teasingly grinned. "We can't stay here for long. We have to celebrate his audition...and besides...I think my baby likes it there too."

Yukina forced a smile on his rigid lips. "Really...?"

"Hmm..." the woman nodded. "Where's the auntie?"

"I sent her home. She'll be back tomorrow."

The woman sighed. "I see...I'm sorry to be asking you this even though you're tired. But can you...get me some clothes to change into when you go home later?"

"Sure..."

Kia reached out to the man's hand resting on his knee. Kou was surprised but he eventually laced his fingers with hers.

"Let me sleep like this..." she mumbled as she settled back comfortably against her pillow.

"Okay..."

The entire time that their fingers were intertwined, the feel of familiarity came rushing to the prince. This soft skin, this delicateness in his hand, he longed for this. But it was strange too. He had wanted to become as close as this to the woman for a very long time again.

Odd. The feeling he was expecting wasn't there. It just surprised him how ordinary it felt.

"..."

The hour-hand of the clock used to be at nine. Now it was on 10:30. It passed in a blink of an eye and Yukina didn't even notice it.

He just watched silently the woman until she fell asleep. He watched her with his eyes. His mind watching something different.

Every ticking of the clock by the wall was like a hammer pounding in a rare truth. It was strange and confusing why he couldn't find a way to contradict Kia calling Kisa's place as 'home'. Home was supposed to be special. A place where one's heart was.

_"I want something like a palace,"_ Yukina had said once to Kia affectionately. That time when everything was still far from what it was now. _"A spacious garden too where I could hear the laughter of our would-be children. A grand home for us..."_

At the most part, Kisa's place was supposed to be for temporary dwelling. That very limited space was no way in par at what Yukina had imagined to be a 'home'. And yet...

"I'll be going then..." Yukina whispered, although he was sure Kia was already deeply asleep. "I'll come back with your clothes...so sleep well..."

He stood and headed for the door. His gaze boring a hole to where he was walking.

It was a shock. A big, glaring shock he couldn't just set aside. Where was the perfect place he had envisioned with Kia all this time? Hearing the word 'home' made him see something else. A place drenched in too much light he couldn't almost see it. Flickering it was, like a teasing old film;

A summer morning. An old house. A small backyard. And a raven sitting by the window frame.

* * *

The scent of the air was moist and grassy. The wind brushing past him was cool. The feel of the soft surface underneath him was new. Everything was so different that he awoke with a gasp.

"Huh?"

His ragged mind swirled painfully. He groaned, patting the side of his head while he stared up above.

"..."

Kisa must have really died. Maybe the car didn't stop. And the man named Cross he saw was actually Death himself.

"..."

He was lying flat against something inclined. The sky was reflected back in his eyes. A blanket of velvet blue, filled with prideful stars felt like they were about to fall on him. When he brought his confused gaze to the sides, he saw nothing. It was still the sky on either sides of him that he grew frightened.

Almost scramming, he sat. His hands felt the cool sensation of the leather of the car seat. The wind blew harder once more, the backdrop the bright night sky as if it never rained. It took his eyes towards something swaying. Mahogany hair that looked so carefree swayed together with the gentle breeze. The man's back was beautiful in the moonlight. Lazy yet serene as he continued dragging on smoke.

"..."

Kisa Shouta sighed. He finally remembered everything.

Busy dragging on with his cigarette, the man leaning his weight against the hood of his car glanced behind him. The convertible car's roof had been pulled down. The passenger seat inside was occupied by a wide-eyed raven staring at him.

"Finally awake huh?" Cross asked. His eyes meaningful as they gazed from Kisa's face down to the man's neck. "Oversized but cute."

"Huh?"

Realizing what was being implied, Kisa looked down. The red sweatshirt clinging to him loosely was unfamiliar to him. The neck too wide it was annoyingly slipping off one of his shoulders. He abruptly pulled it back, throwing a glare at the snickering man at the front.

"You're drenched from the rain so I helped you change. Aren't I so considerate?"

Kisa frowned. "Where are we?"

Cross took his cigarette off his lips and spread his arms wide. "The best stage."

"Huh?"

Kisa dared move when he finally felt himself getting steady. He grabbed the side for support and stood. The second he was able to take in where they were, he was lost for words.

"Pretty isn't it?" Cross regarded with pride.

The raven hopped out of the car. He thought he was standing on a sponge feeling his feet sink in a few inches. The grassy scent became stronger. The chill became more evident. When he reached the hood of the car, Cross motioned for him to sit beside him. Having no choice, he did as what he was told.

"This is the best place in the world..."

Kisa swept his messy hair to the side and took in the scene.

"...and actually," Cross smiled. "I wanted to do an AV here."

"On top of a hill, of a cemetery?" Kisa asked, almost sarcastically. "Why are we even here?"

Cross nudged Kisa's shoulder with his and looked ahead. "You said 'anywhere', remember?"

"..."

At the very sounds of grass swaying and Cross' burning cigarette, Kisa listened. He had to agree this time. This place was surprisingly calming. Instead of getting afraid, he found a strange refuge in there. A realm of the dead this place may be. But on second thought, the only ever things who caused pain to Kisa were actually living persons.

"..."

Located on a hill, the city below, glittering from far away seemed like a universe separate from Kisa's. As if time had no force in this space and he had all the freedom to let go of everything.

Such was the tranquility Kisa was feeling after a tiring and a painful day he failed to notice a different sound. A sound of a paper. A sound of something being flipped. When he lifted his gaze towards the sound, his eyes widened.

"What are you-"

"This?" Cross grinned. He raised the folder up in the air obviously out of Kisa's reach. "I saw this sticking out of your bag. I was curious."

"Give it back!"

"Shut up. What's the deal I've already finished reading it."

Kisa felt so defeated that he shrunk back on his spot and became silent. Painful memories, things that if he could just forget came running back in his head.

"So...did you get the role for this...uh..." Cross pretended to flip back into the contents. "'Yukine' something?"

Kisa didn't bother replying. Cross on the other hand produced a whistle.

"Well...given that mournful mug...I can see the answer."

"..."

"Man...what a fucked up life this lead character has. You want to play this character? So boring!"

"..."

Cross rolled the folder without care. "What's more...the ending sucks! Who would want to watch this?"

Kisa lamely looked at Cross. Tired. Really tired.

"After his unrequited love and daughter's operation...he disappeared. The end. The fuck. I don't care if this is taken from a real-life situation. Why do homoerotic stories tend to be too tragic nowadays? My company at least is different."

"It's reality," Kisa exhaled.

"You make your own reality with your choices if you ask me," the other huffed. "Man, we're already so limited from things okay? We're not America. So this damn depressing stories should be taboo. Fun. That should be what you're focusing to!"

The raven continued looking at Cross lethargically. Had it been any other day, he would have punched the man across the face and left. But tonight, he couldn't do it. He didn't even want to counter anything and remained the mute.

"Oh...and let me guess...I have a very good knack for this kind of things," Cross chirped. His baritone yet mellow voice sounding so toxic. "Not only did you not get the role, you also probably got dumped big time."

Cross who was enjoying stabbing further the obvious deep wound the other had stole a glance at Kisa. The round eyes of the other just plainly looking at him quietly made him stop with his nonsense.

"You're..." Cross dropped the folder to his lap and leaned at Kisa. "You're...crying?"

Amidst the blurry vision he was having, Kisa could see the bewildered expression the other had. Was his face that comical to render this bastard speechless? Did he really look so unpresentable and pathetic? Well no surprise. He was indeed feeling them deep inside it must be showing on his face. He was in a wrenching depression. The kind that just bursts out of his eyes beyond his control.

The green eyes narrowed. They did in a manner as if they could see right through the very nerves of the raven. Closer those pair of eyes had become towards Kisa's. And in an instant they were staring at each other's orbs. The other clear, yet unreadable. The other unclear, yet obvious.

"It hurts that bad?" a voice so low came from Cross. His lips didn't even seem to have moved at all. "It hurts isn't it?"

Kisa halfway closed his eyes. Downcast they glimmered.

"Let me take some of them..."

Kisa Shouta in all honesty didn't know since when this bastard had his lips on him. They were ice cold.

"...?!"

The raven getting back on his senses moved away, pushing the other's shoulder into a good distance. And yet, he felt a firm hand at the base of his head. Pulling him closer. Pulling him back.

"..."

Kisa stared wide-eyed at the drawing lips. They were so cold. Can humans have this kind of coldness in them?

"You're freaking freezing..." Cross whispered with his lips in a faint smile it was almost nonvisible.

"I'm...?"

Eventually, Kisa realized that the coldness he felt earlier was his own. His lips, his skin, his very pores were screaming cold against the other's heat. So much colder than the previous break-ups, the previous failures, this was the worst. This was different. Like that hill they were currently on, this was his edge. And he was about to go over it.

"What are you doing?" Kisa managed to ask shakily. The scent of cigarette smoke was right at his nose.

Cross smirked, his eyes misty. "Isn't it obvious?"

* * *

He pushed the door open. The creaking it made was loud due to the silence that welcomed him. The warm lights which always greeted him from a hard and stressful day at work was nowhere either. The entire old house was drenched with blackness.

"..."

Yukina turned the lights on. He was silent as he stared at the floor. Little shoe marks looking so unappealing stained the brown-reddish wooden floors. They were much smaller than his shoe size. He knew who these footsteps belonged to.

Without a word, Yukina stepped into his house slippers and followed the trail of shoe marks on the floor. It led him to the bathroom that looked like a mayhem. Shampoo bottles were on the floor. Towels were hanging oddly by the wall. A small flower in a white pot was about to fall off from the spot where it was placed.

"..."

The prince reached out to the flower pot and securedly placed it back on top of the counter, close to the wall. He then bent and picked up the shampoo bottles. Every single one of them he stared at. They were all the brand of shampoos he was using. It didn't even occur to him before. But every little space in this house had all the kind of stuff he used. He never mentioned a thing to the owner, that was the weird thing. But they magically was just there as if someone had eagerly done an extensive research.

Reaching the equally messy living room, he saw a few of his home clothes folded on the center table. Beside it were Enamoto Kia's dresses. And at the sofa were still the unfolded clothes of Kisa.

Kou sighed at the very same time the home phone rang.

He didn't want to answer it but it seemed like it would ring forever if he just ignored it.

"..."

He picked the phone up not say anything.

_"Kisa?"_ the voice asked. _"Damn it Kisa, if you're back in your house then say a word!"_

"...?"

_"Shouta? Have you gone deaf?!"_

"This is Yukina."

The surprise on the other line was quite obvious. The caller just kept on hissing and cursing.

"Kagetora-san?" Yukina called, breaking down the other's thoughts.

_"Sorry Yukina. Is Kisa with you?"_

"Huh? No he's not with me. I thought he's with you?"

* * *

Kisa knew this was insane. He'd been lose before but seriously treasured himself when he came across a certain prince. Yet now, he could feel his flesh tingling all over. He was yearning warmth. He was yearning for something to cling to. For someone to fill in the gaping hole in his chest.

"Wha-"

"Shss..."

Cross smiled. A devastating yet patient smile was what he gave while holding down Kisa's right wrist. Kisa had to suck in his breath, losing the last threads of his self-control. Perhaps, the reason why so many sinners existed was because of men like Cross. They had the most enticing and subtle ways. They could make it sound so easy. They easily could make one feel needed. They could easily make the wrong seem like right.

"This...no..." Kisa tried resisting.

But the him he tried to hold in, had finally surfaced. He couldn't shove it back down his throat. Kisa could feel a tear slowly making its way to his lips. Tears were supposed to be something salty. His tasted bitter.

"..."

Perception. It was the devil's mastery. Cross was such a perceptive man. With just one look with his eyes, he nailed perfectly the spot that needed tending.

"For what reason are these tears?" Cross asked, bringing his lips to the space between Kisa's brows. He blew his warm breath there, making Kisa close his eyes at the gentleness. "Who caused this? Tell me...I'll listen..."

* * *

_"Will I be asking you if he's with me?!"_ Kagetora barked, losing his patience. _"I've been looking all over for him! The idiot!"_

"..."

There were some sounds of something falling and some stomping in Kagetora's side. The man appeared to be really pissed at one in the morning.

_"Tsk...that audition must have really rattled him..." _Kagetora hissed away from the phone. Nonetheless, Yukina heard it very clearly.

"Excuse me...auditions? Didn't he..." Yukina swallowed. "I don't quite get it..."

A long stretch of silence passed the two men. The closed glass windows behind Yukina had been stained with another round of wetness. That was weird. It was just a light drizzle. Yet their pelting sound as it hit the closed windows were very loud.

_"I rode along since it was for Enamoto-san's sake. But I don't see why I must keep it from you too."_

"..."

_"He didn't even get the fucking chance to stand before the judges," _the man hissed, almost angrily_. "After all the efforts he exerted...shit..."_

_"..."_

_"Sorry I don't want to put the blame to anyone, what happened was an accident...but still..." _Kagetora sighed. "_He left everything the moment he got the call. Enamoto-san was hysterical so...he lied."_

"What...?"

_"Kisa...didn't make it."_

* * *

This savior and coaxing man, Kisa didn't care if he was just a total deceiving, devil under. At least this man knew what he was feeling. He didn't care about the rest.

"You don't have to carry all the hurt you know..." Cross continued sounding like a dream.

"..."

"Think about all the hundred reasons...why you and I always cross paths..."

Rough, gentle yet commanding hands found their way into Kisa's back. They moved up and down. At a steady calming manner. Like how one calms a child. It felt good. Extremely good.

"Why push yourself into a world that keeps ignoring you?" Cross continued into Kisa's ear, his hands snaking around like a serpent's. "...when there is a whole new world, waiting to give you your special place with so much possibilities and rewards?"

"..." Kisa faintly smiled. "Where is that place? Your place? Your company's place?"

Cross drew the raven's face into his palms and made the other look at him.

"You gave them a chance. You gave them your all. And _they _failed _you_. It's their loss."

Kisa bit his bottom lip. Damn he knew this was a venomous string of words. But he wasn't disliking it at all.

"Cross..." Kisa started, resistance bit by bit taken by the wind. "...why do you want me?"

The man looked like a heaven-sent drenched in the moonlight. Yet his green eyes glowed like it came from deep under. Cross slyly smiled, tipping Kisa's chin with his index finger.

"I just want you. Do I need some complicated reason?"

The raven parted his lips a bit, to draw in more air. Yet instead of getting to breathe better, it had become even more constricting. Suffocating. Teasing. Sweet. Kisa's wide eyes reflecting his surprise, slowly crumbled down into pieces. The ravishing against his mouth, it felt insanely good.

The spark of lust has just been completely ignited. And the rest? All hesitations, Kisa threw them down the steepness of the hill.

Openly, Kisa accepted the eager lips and the wild explorations of the other. And what was more, he openly answered back. Nibbling when nibbled. Sucking when sucked. From a meer meeting of lips, it accelerated into a searing one. As if both wanted to swallow the other whole.

_"Maybe I should apologize for all the people who showed sincere interest, yet got dumped terribly by me..." _Kisa thought, his mouth stuffed with a tongue other than his own. _"...I didn't know the pain's this much..."_

Cross opened his eyes in satisfaction. He felt Kisa just hooked his arms around his neck. The raven's defense completely down, go signal on, Cross delved into the kiss without holding back.

"Biting on my lips that hard huh?" Cross laughingly exhaled into Kisa's mouth before drawing away. He stared deeply into Kisa's dazed eyes before latching next at the exposed neck that was teasing him since earlier. "I sensed this wild side the moment I saw you..."

Cross made his own art on the other's skin leasurably. He glided his tongue, he teased with his teeth. He kissed them tenderly and violently. The marks he left had all the hues of red. Pinkish, dark, light, and severe colors of the intensity of his sucking and nibblings. One by one those hues showed on Kisa's neck and collar bone. The traces Cross was leaving, they sickly were in contrast against the other's milky skin.

"..."

Kisa closed his eyes in response. Lifting his head for more exposure he did. The breath of the other was like a fire licking at his skin. Painful it was. Yet insanely he wanted more.

From a distance, their figures looked like playing shadows. Ghost-like they mingled and became lost with this misplaced passion.

Who cares?

This was not different from how Kisa used to be. One night with another, another one the next day. Binding himself purely out of carnal needs, what was so new? He was tired. Very tired. He didn't want to become the saint anymore.

He tried and what did he get?

* * *

Yukina stood on his spot with his eyes roaming around once more the empty house. Something was stuck in his throat. Huge it was hindering his once steady breathing.

_"He really wanted it so I'm sure he's depressed about it. Damn it... where is he if he's not home!?"_

"..."

_"Anyway...give him some hot compress if he comes back. The idiot fell badly from the stairs from all his running. So just..." _Kagetora sighed irritably. His breath almost hissing in the telephone line. _"Try to be nice with him alright? You could understand what I mean probably."_

Kagetora Hizaya instantly cut the call off. The prince was left listening to the beeping sound until he finally found the sense to put the phone back to its receiver.

Instantly, Yukina fished for his phone out of his jeans. He brought it to his ear waiting but he only got the dutiful voice of the operator. It said the number he was calling was out of reach and a few more of that recorded routine talk that didn't make sense to him at all.

"..."

Yukina lifted his gaze to nowhere in particular. He wanted to search but where? He ended up collapsing on the sofa, eyes unsteady.

_"Did it ever occur to you what it took me to get here?...The best you could do is be angry at me?"_

He glanced towards the familiar sound of windchimes coming from Kisa's room. The windows in there might have been left open from all the haste.

_"How can you be so insensitive?"_

The only visible things from the prince's profile was his teeth grinding at each other. And the veins on his hands as he held his phone almost breaking it with his grip.

* * *

"Wai-wait..." Kisa moaned. The heat was starting to get out of hand.

The word 'wait' must have another meaning other than what was said in a dictionary for Cross. Kisa could feel himself sliding down the smooth surface of the hood. His back tasting the coolness as his shirt was drawn over his chest. Cross was such an expert bastard able to maintain this delirious set-up.

Not stopping with his caresses, Cross' lips went on leaving his traces down the skin of Kisa's neck and throat. He really liked it there it seemed. Rubbing himself against the man underneath him, panting, grunting, his very breath contained a hint of laughter. It looked like an entire pleasurable game for the man.

"Cross..." Kisa called. His shivering not from the cold was about to escape him. His buried face against the other's chest, he lifted. He saw again the vast sky, the hill and remembered the hundreds of graves on either sides of them. "Cross..."

The man being called stopped from everything he was doing. His moist eyes glistening as he brought himself up, perfectly looking at Kisa with his unmasked lust-filled eyes.

Strange. They were still dressed doing no more than tearing away at each other's lips. Yet Kisa could feel himself getting deprived of everything to cover himself one by one. He was already naked in the devil's mind.

Kisa didn't feel any revulsion though. Actually it felt nice. Kisa felt an inexplicable pleasure with someone showing their complete want of him.

"What?" Cross asked with a bit of impatience. He pecked at Kisa's lips once and elevated himself again. "What is it?"

Kisa looked to his sides, face beet red despite the dimness.

"This place is kinda..."

Cross eyed Kisa for long. His pursed lips turned into a wide smile. His teeth blinding pearls. The impish smile suddenly turned into a laughter so seductive. His adam's apple wobbled enticingly for the man underneath.

"What?" Cross breathed with a challenging grin. "You afraid of ghosts?"

The raven's eyes flickered. Hazy and dreamy, Cross to him was becoming like an illegal prescription. Kisa was starting to get high of it.

No. Actually, he was already high.

Kisa laughed. He didn't know if there was really something funny. But he just laughed. He laughed almost like a demented. He laughed more when Cross went back kissing his cheeks, his nose, his mouth. He kept on laughing. He can't stop.

When the raven felt a dull pain somewhere in his chest, he laughed even more.

* * *

Kagetora Hizaya. Yukina Kou. The man who was almost the bestfriend. The other, the unrequitted love. They were in their own ways searching for Kisa Shouta. They had no idea where the raven could be at this time of the night. He just vanished out of sight. No word. No trace.

"Shit...Kisa-san..." Yukina hissed, clasping his hands together, resting his drenched forehead against them. "Damn it..."

These two men, although bearing different thoughts were in the same unsteady boat. They could feel uneasiness. A pestering naggingness that was unbearable. Almost like a blaring warning piercing their minds.

Perhaps they have all the reason to feel that way.

At that very time, Kisa Shouta was already getting sucked in by a detrimental surge.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

Hi! wow! i'm kinda surprised and happy. there are so many guests here reading this now. ahaha...I can't name all of you but thanks a bunch for the support and kind words! thanks too users!

ps. I missed writing these parts if you know what i mean. haha

update..if i forgot to mention it in the chapter end notes, just see my profile, ne?

please share your thoughts!

~~~shuusetsu

ps. one of these days i'll show you how Kagetora Hizaya or CROSS looks like. XD for now, i edited a new cover art for this story. you can check it out at either of my tumblr accounts in my profile. XD


	12. Chapter 12

**XII**

* * *

He was standing in front of his own house. He just stood. He neither knocked. He neither rang the doorbell. He merely looked at the old gates and the old roof and stayed where he was. His greyish-blue eyes were tired. His entire being was complaining to him for rest, and more rest. Yet he just stood there, for he wasn't tired physically.

He was thirsty no drinking could quench.

He was tired, too tired to even think.

"..."

Kisa made a smile. A smile that was so forced he felt his jaws protest.

"There's no one in there, is there?" the raven mumbled. "What am I expecting?"

His throat was itching. He wanted to cough yet the itch wasn't brought by that. It felt something was stuck in there. The stuffy he felt, the more his eyes seem to burn again. What the hell was he doing to himself?

Drawing a deep breath, Kisa gripped his bag with his right hand tighter, and with his left, pushed open the gates to his own home.

He was looking at his shoelaces while he was pushing the gates. The right shoe lace was lose. It looked dirty. All his walking on the moist soil of some hill last night, the traces of dirt clung to it. Even the soles of his shoes felt heavy from the dirt clinging under.

"..."

Kisa sighed shaking his head. He rubbed the soles of his shoes against the pavement a couple of times before closing the gate behind him. Not only was he feeling depressed, even his shoes was weighing him down. How frustrating.

The raven then brought his eyes to the main door. The door which should have been locked close. That door which should have been sealed. Yet it was open. And by its doorframe was a figure of a man with arms crossed, face blank, eyes boring holes at him.

"...?"

"..."

Kisa forgot that he was about to go enter his own house. Suddenly, he felt like going back and running outside. He was just wasn't so prepared to see this certain someone.

"G-good morning," Kisa croaked.

Kisa received no response as if he just greeted the air.

The raven looked away though in a moment when their eyes met. He looked down to the traces of dirt from his shoes. He looked on either sides of him. Then he looked up. Seeing puffy clouds like cotton candies, it made the raven sigh in relief. He needed to say something and can't think of one. Now he had something.

"The weather's so nice...don't you have any shoot today?"

Yukina Kou, whose arms were crossed over his chest briefly looked up. The way he did was so complacent as if he wasn't interested at all. When he brought his light-brown eyes back at the raven, his eyes were focused at nothing but at Kisa. To the raven's neck to be precise.

"Err..." Kisa could feel his skin crawl. He knew where the other was looking. Unconsciously he lifted a hand to hide that hideous part. "Ah...h-have you eaten?"

Hurriedly, Kisa Shouta walked straight towards the door. It didn't matter if Yukina was there. He needed to get in, vanish and pretend to be busy. Pretend to be normal. Pretend that nothing's amiss between them.

With his heart violently beating in his chest, Kisa held his breath. The door wasn't so spacious to fit two men in there. Yukina wasn't making it easy for him to pass either. If anything, it was as if Yukina suddenly was occupying all the entrance with his built.

"..."

Kisa creased his brows. He was nervous. He didn't know what he would answer if Yukina asks him about the marvelous patches of hickeys across his entire neck. There he was yesterday saying he loves Yukina after all. Then he comes back with some other's traces and saliva dried on his skin. Ridiculous.

"I'll visit Kia," Kisa almost stammered but managed to say it smoothly. "Let's go together huh? I'll clean up first-"

What other things Kisa was thinking vanished into thin air. His eyes from the ground went dropping to his own left wrist. Yukina had just grabbed him there. The man just did out of the blue. Kisa tried to read the actions, even the other's face, yet there was none to see. Yukina's face was just a rigid mannequin's.

"W-what?"

With a somehow tired sigh, Yukina walked deeper into the house, dragging the raven along with him. What was even more confusing for Kisa was Yukina had not said a word. Not a single word from the very start.

Soon after they reached the living area, Yukina forced Kisa to sit on the sofa. He did by pressing on the raven's shoulders down, giving Kisa no other way but to fall to the normal course of the force.

"..."

Kisa sat there speechless. Even when Yukina left him there alone for quite some time, and even when Yukina came back with things in his hands, Kisa was still disoriented to process things. He couldn't even understand what was going on until the prince knelt before him.

"Y-Yukina?"

It was not as though the prince was mute. Yet he just silently pushed the edges of Kisa's jeans up to the knees. With large hands, he took in one foot and looked them side to side. When the serious eyes didn't see what he was looking for he checked the other foot. His eyes just narrowed briefly after studying a part on the raven's skin. The he started working. His narrowed eyes the only change of expressions he ever showed.

"..."

"I-I can do this myself-"

"Tell me if it hurts."

"Huh-Oww!"

Yukina had just pressed on the bruise. Both was surprised by Kisa's yelp. What the raven thought wasn't serious, seemed like a little on the wrong side.

"..."

Yukina started patting and spraying to the area. He did with such obvious difference with the initial strenght he was putting in his hands. His head remained bowed the entire process though, hiding all hint of what he was thinking.

Watching the mop of dark-blonde hair before him, feeling the hands on his foot, Kisa was forced to swallow mouthful of breaths. He wanted to ask how this man knew about his bruise, why Yukina was waiting for him, and many more 'whys' and 'hows'. Yet there was no chance to open up.

_"Why isn't he saying anything?"_

Yukina continued on with his silence. He just wrapped a considerable lenght of bandage around the area from the ankle and a few more inches upwards. The sound of the scissor cutting the aid a little too loud in their quietness.

"The bandage's not that tight, is it?"

Kisa pursed his lips. His view getting blocked by the man when the latter stood without announcements. Even before Kisa could reply, Yukina cut him off again.

"Here."

The raven's head was in disarray. It took him a few seconds to realize the 'here' that was being implied. When Kisa blinked at the hand extended to him, that was when he noticed it. An ointment. Kisa wasn't so sure what he was supposed to do with that when his bruised ankle has already been taken cared of.

"This will make those..." Yukina paused, his eyes narrowing into slits yet chose to just let the word in his breath trail off. "...lighten immediately."

Kisa's gaze drifted from Yukina's eyes back to the ointment back to Yukina. Suddenly Kisa was just with no strenght. He couldn't even reach out and take a damn ointment? But that was how weak he felt.

"...t-thanks..." Kisa attempted to take it.

Swiftly, Yukina disappeared along with the first aid kits. That was when the oinment from Kisa's hand dropped to the floor. Yukina's indecipherable actions was leaving Kisa this indescribable feeling of self-annoyance and self-hatred. Even Yukina's silence about the obvious marks of his last night's rendevouz was making Kisa lost.

_"Why isn't he asking me anything?"_

Indeed why? Was it because the prince couldn't just be bothered? Then why the gentleness in how he held his wrist and applied medicine on his foot? Why do things that would make him falter this much?

Kisa didn't know when it started. His lap started having this deeper shade on his acid-washed jeans. They were dots of stain, coming and fading, his skin feeling the wetness as it sunk deep under the fabric.

"..."

Kisa had never felt so disgusted with himself. He kept on rubbing at the side of his neck. He did so even when it still felt raw. He gritted his teeth, the anguish inside was too strong. His eyes burned. He stared at the open windows now unable to see the pretty skies. They swirled into a pathetic abstract of white and blue instead.

"..."

And with no other way of release, he sobbed into his hands.

* * *

Yukina found Kisa still sitting on the sofa. The raven had his back on him. But with all the trembling on those shoulders and the very sound of painful gasps, Yukina knew Kisa was crying. For a long while, the prince simply watched the other by the door.

"..."

It only occurred to Yukina that Kisa probably had cried like this many times than he could think of. Times when he wasn't looking. Times when he wasn't even paying attention.

"..."

The prince had not realized himself that he'd been clenching the warm canned tea he heated tightly. He struggled to name the heaviness that suddenly struck him. Somehow even when the weather had turned out to be fine, there was a fog so thick inside that house. It was a blow to realize something now, when he should have realized this soon enough; it felt that it's been so long since he'd seen Kisa genuinely happy.

Not sure why, his body moved first before his mind. In a second, he was already standing before the raven. In a millisecond, Yukina was there kneeling.

"...?"

Noticing the presence of the other, Kisa had peered from the spaces of his fingers. His hands slowly fell down, his eyes large and speaking silent words.

"Drink this firs-"

Without a warning, the raven clung to the prince. No words, no explanations, he just did. The canned tea Yukina was holding fell on the floor. Rolling in a slow manner it went at the side of the low table. The pale-brown eyes stared hard at the canned tea. He stared harder the more he felt the tight hold the raven was doing.

"Yukina...?"

"Y-yes?"

In the whole time Kisa was clinging to him, Yukina could feel his shoulder cold. Hesitantly, the prince raised a hand, resting it on the other's back.

"Yuki..."

"Yes?"

"Yuki..."

For some reason, Kisa just kept on calling his name. And Yukina just kept on replying 'yes' like this was a comedic duo. But there wasn't anything funny at all. The more Yukina heard his name being uttered in such a manner, the more he could feel his gut tightening. As much as the traces of worry were present in his eyes, the glint of anger were much evident.

This sudden odd feeling that just came to him, was a little too forceful to bear. Protectiveness. It sprouted in him a few hours ago. So shocked was he in that he didn't know what to do with it himself.

Yukina Kou had been waiting for Kisa Shouta the entire time. He did while glaring at his phone, expecting that it would ring. But it didn't. The dark sky had already brightened, yet his phone remained dead of any notification.

Around six in the morning, when he was about calling a fellow actor Kagetora Hizaya if the guy received any word from the raven, his phone broke his silence. Shrilly it rang throughout the house.

Hurriedly, the prince picked up his phone. He was almost ready asking in a rushed manner when he heard something strange from the other's line.

Surely it was Kisa's number calling, yet the greeting of the voice that Yukina heard was someone else's.

_"Good morning!"_

"Who are you?" was what Yukina said. It was as though he didn't hear the greeting.

_"Oh...is this Yuki-san?"_

"Who are you?" Yukina repeated, his voice going a note lower.

There was a chuckle in the other line. A sound of fabric and bed evident. _"Sorry, the number one in the speed dial of this phone is your number so...yeah. I'll drive Kisa home when he wakes up. Don't worry."_

Yukina glared at the floor. He wasn't aware but he was staring at only one spot his vision darkening.

"..."

_"Are you the one who dumped Kisa?" _Cross went on. _"Anyway, of course since you're straight."_

"What?"

_"He's cute sleeping like this," _Cross continued like he was enjoying everything. _"He's got a nice long neck, a red leather collar would suit him."_

"Where is he?" Yukina almost hissed.

"_Whoa!" _the man in the other line laughed all the more. "_Don't get mad so early in the morning!" _

"I'll pick him up. Where are you?"

"_Hmmm..."_ Cross seemed like pondering. _"For a guy who did the dumping you sound weirdly concerned. Anyway, I'll drive him. There is no need to wake up the soundly asleep poor guy, is there?"_

"..."

_"Do you have any idea how long it took me to make him sleep? Man he was a handful."_

"..."

_"Oh...I bet someone's imagination's running wild now..." _

"..."

_"If you're that concerned, ease up man. Nothing happened."_

Yukina almost felt his skin crawl when he heard a familiar sound from the other line. Kisa was stirring from his sleep. Yet it vanished all too soon as if it didn't happen.

_"Oh~I guess a little happened," _Cross whispered jovially_. "He was so accomodating so I helped my self a bit."_

"Who the fuck are you?"

_"Haha..."_ Cross laughed. _"Do I see a little of your colors now?"_

"..."

_"We kissed a little but he just started crying saying your name so I had to calm him down."_

"Wha-"

_"Expect him within two hours. Bye."_

Since six in the morning, the prince had been standing by the door. For two hours he just stood there. For two hours he just stared at the gate. At eight, he heard a car engine. After a few minutes the gate creaked open. A few minutes later he couldn't bring himself to say anything. All his words were stuck in his throat when he saw Kisa.

A pounding came into his chest. A pounding so great he felt it difficult to breathe.

He already knew he was the reason of all this. Why the raven had such a pale complexion. Why those eyes were puffy. And why there were traces of someone else on the raven's skin.

What has he done to the person who only offered kindness and affection to him?

What has he done to Kisa?

The prince couldn't say anything even if he wanted. That moment he felt afraid.

For the first time in a long while, so much more than Enamoto Kia, he really felt unsteady.

* * *

There were things that just couldn't be explained. Things that could better be understood without being spoken. That morning, right after Kisa had cried his eyes out without explaining why, he felt a trillion times better. Maybe because the man he wanted lent him his shoulder without asking why.

Not being asked was what Kisa had wanted. And Yukina Kou was sensitive enough not to pry although things were already so obvious.

"Ne, Yukina...have you eaten?" Kisa asked as he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. "I'll cook something fast."

Yukina merely looked at him as if studying him. It was nice to see that Yukina bestowed him a little smile after. "It's fine. Let's eat breakfast somewhere before heading to the hospital."

Kisa watched the prince stand, noticing the faint traces of dark circles under those eyes.

"D-don't you think it's going to be a little hard for us to eat outside?"

"Huh?"

"It's not on my part...but if people see you wandering around..." Kisa mumbled with a slight grin. "You'd be barricaded for sure."

The way Yukina stared at what he heard, it seemed like he had forgotten who he was. Maybe he did. He was a person who could go to public places with initial notice first. He lost the ability to pop up and go anywhere without guards and media following him around a long time ago.

"Oh...right."

Kisa stood from where he was and drew a deep breath. Only did he notice little things around him. How different everything was, how bright and how calm the atmosphere had become. This day began as warm and opposite of yesterday. Maybe this was the result of being able to really accept something.

"Yuki," Kisa started, walking past Yukina towards the kitchen. "Sorry again about yesterday."

"That...I'm at fault too," Yukina replied still standing where he was.

"To be honest, I'm very relieved that you are here when I came home," Kisa continued, glancing at Yukina with his lips sadly curled upwards. "I think I am not prepared to be out of your life that soon."

"..."

"I confessed to you right? Did you forget?"

"No...of course not."

The prince stood calmly watching Kisa. The oversized shirt the raven was wearing, the very prominent hickeys on the raven's skin, were too much to ignore. Nothing showed on the prince's face. Yet without Kisa knowing, even without Yukina knowing himself, he had clenched his hands into tight fists.

"Yukina."

"...?"

"You're a straight guy to begin with," the raven mumbled, scratching the back of his head. "So if ever you arrive at a decision involving Enamoto-san...tell me. I don't want to be surprised that you two are going to get married out of thin air."

Yukina slightly opened his mouth, unsure of what to say.

"You'll do that for me at least right?" Kisa asked. "Let me know, whether you two are coming back together, or going away or anything. Let me be the first to know. You know I like you so at least help me prepare for you know..."

"..."

Kisa shrugged with an embarrassed grin. "Prepare me for the pain."

"..."

Not waiting for the man's response, Kisa hurriedly looked away, walking towards the kitchen to prepare something for the two of them. It was good he was able to say those words. It was good that he was able to settle that. He felt sad yet proud of himself at the same time. For once he managed to say something adult-like.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

uh-oh...studying is killing me...hahaha anyway. thanks for the time reading and please share your thoughts.

~shuusetsu


	13. Chapter 13

**XIII**

* * *

Kisa couldn't see. Not a glimpse. Not a clue.

From where he was, from the gates, all he could see was the shoulders of a man wearing a baseball cap. Yukina Kou, regally standing by the hood of an ugly car with his phone glued to his ear. The ragged look, and the ragged car, plus the cap. A seriously failed attempt if it was the man's appeal they were concealing. Like Kisa had noticed before, the sun loved this prince.

"He'd been on the phone for so long..." Kisa mumbled turning back to his task; locking the door behind him. A duffel bag containing a woman's necessities slinging on his shoulder. "I guess...he'd been ditching a few guestings huh? He's being scolded for sure..."

Because of the distance, because of the cap, because Kisa wasn't assuming anything, he had no idea that the man outside had been staring at him from the very start he appeared by the door. Under the concealment of the shade the cap was providing, observing eyes were following Kisa's every move. It would be no surprise if the prince would know how many times Kisa had glanced to his direction.

Light-brown eyes, they were looking at nothing but that darkhaired man.

"He's...not at all sporty..." Yukina started. "He's got thin shoulders, thin wrists you'd feel it'd break in one hold. You'd be surprised where his motivation and energy are coming from..." narrowing his eyes into slits, he didn't fail to notice how the raven by the gates almost slipped barely grabbing the gates for support. "He's...funny in his own ways, clumsy at times. He knew how to pull the right faces for every movie scenario, yet he couldn't pull a lying face. You'd know he's very trust worthy..."

Successfully pulling the gates close, the raven waived at Yukina, signing an OK signal with his hand. Yukina then just replied with a nod.

"He never amazes me when it comes to work. And he never amazes me how he can be so devoted..."

Even though it was a residential area where cars not so often pass by, Kisa still looked left and right before running to where the prince's car was. The huge eyes were questioning but made no attempt to voice them out.

The prince merely watched the raven hop into the car, tugging on the seat belt.

"He can express many words without speaking. He can portray so much emotions with just his eyes."

When finally, Kisa noticed Yukina looking at his way, the raven waived once. And for a moment, Yukina forgot what he was saying.

"Ah...right...I was lost for a moment," Yukina continued. "He's fun to get along with."

* * *

"Good morning Kagetora-san! Looking good as usual!"

"Well, well, can't do anything about it!" the man would greet with a waive of a hand. "Thanks!"

Every hallway he passed, the man had to stop a while and greet back. Every nook and cranny seemed to have eyes on their own, announcing that he was there. This made his intention to stay there, in the TV station which he had a contract with, become longer than he was hoping it would be.

Kagetora's bright smile, one that could make others smile too somehow vanished in an instant. The moment he saw the hallway leading to a special person's office completely desolate, that's when that bright smile faded into thin air. He looked completely different.

"..."

He paused for a brief moment before raising a hand to knock. He continued staring at the knob for a while. The usual smile he could pull off in a flash somehow hard to pull this time.

_"Why is Kisa with that scum?" _the man thought.

He saw it. He was there. At eight in the morning hoping to drop by and see what has gotten to this very important person, he drove his car to Kisa's place. Even when he was extremely busy with all his commitments, he's got to alot time and be sure that this stupid friend of his was okay. And what a surprise that visit had turned out.

Just as Kagetora was about to park his car at the front, a speeding, seemingly driven by a hellish character drove past him.

A lethargic raven stepped out of an ancient and a very expensive car not long after. The driver's window pulled down. And what came next was a smiling familiar face of a devastation incarnate.

"..."

Kagetora shook his head. For a man such as him, he himself had a lot of offers the moment his career soared into the sky. Offers to sleep with people in exchange of more fame and more greens. From men and women, who had no idea how to spend their money. People with strange fetishes, and people wanting to do it just for the fun of it. That was just the dark side of a bright and glittering entertainment industry. Nothing to be surprised about.

However, being a little old fashioned himself, he had declined every single offer given to him politely. But not with that smiling face in that car where Kisa just got off. That guy, that Cross, that bastard, was known for ruining lives.

_"Of all the people he'd meet at this time, why him?"_

Once more, the man drew a deep breath, knocked and came in. He had to do something. He had to even if it was just doing things behind the scene.

* * *

"Excuse me?"

It had not been fifteen minutes since Kagetora Hizaya sat down before an old lady. Yet, what the old lady said made Kagetora lost for a brief moment. Truly, the man didn't know whether to be embarrassed or not and laugh about it.

"Like I said," the old woman smiled. The lines of her face couldn't hide how pretty she must have been at her youth. "You guys are being funny."

"...huh?"

She crossed her legs, her simple dress suit making her more elegant. After being one of the best actresses of her time, now in her early seventies, she was being hailed as one of the best directors. Making heartfelt films one after another. That was why Kagetora sought her. For one purpose.

"What's up with you guys?" she mumbled with her sharp eyes still a vibrant hue of turquoise. "You big shots are acting weird lately."

"I'm sorry, I don't quite follow," Kagetora replied, leaning at the edge of his seat.

"This," the lady emphasized by nodding at Kagetora. "Acclaimed actors like yourself asking for a role still not filled for a drama or movie."

"...?"

"You see, just a while ago, I received a call from Yukina Kou, asking me the same thing. That is if I have a current project and is in need of a talent."

"...oh..."

She narrowed her eyes, her smile a little too meaningful.

"What's more, both of you, are recommending the same person. May I ask why?"

Kagetora pondered for a moment before releasing a smile. "We have the same circle of friends," he said smoothly, so naturally he can fool everyone. "Yukina and I. And well...that person we are recommending is currently...let's say...he's in need of something."

"In need of something?"

The man nodded, smiling a little. Yet that very smile looked off, almost angry. "I'm afraid...he might go with the wrong persons that would break instead of make him."

With the lady's full attention, she pursed her lips, eyed Kagetora with unmasked scrutiny. Even so, Kagetora just held his neutral smile, and just continued gazing back too. The old lady far too knew the whole little dark and secret places of this adorned world. She could get hints from almost anywhere.

"..."

"..."

Finally, the lady uncrossed her legs. She clasped her hands on her lap and smiled her business-like smile.

"For two leading actors, you and Yukina to recommend the same person, I must see for myself what he can do. I'll inform you if there's any opening for an audition."

Kagetora stood and bowed before the lady. "Thanks a lot."

Walking swiftly out of the office, Kagetora was in deep thought. The old lady just kept her eyes at the man's back before calling out to the man in his first name.

"Hizaya."

At the tone of the voice, Kagetora came back to his senses. This was not the tone of a business talk. This was the tone this lady always carried when she was talking to him as a grandmother.

"..."

The man being called turned around to face her once again.

"When God wants to drill a man, skill a man and thrill a man..." the lady started as she walked to him. "When God wants to mold a man to play the noblest part..."

Kagetora smiled at the touch of those old, rough hands that reached out to him. He continued listening to the lady's words as she traced his face. Words she often would say when she knew her only grandson was in pain. An inner pain no one would understand unless they've been in the same shoes.

"How He hammers him and hurts him, and with mighty blows converts him..."

"..."

"When his feet are torn and bleeding; Yet his spirit mounts unheeding...Blazing newer paths and finds; When the Force that is Divine leaps to challenge every failure,

And His ardour still is sweet -

And love and hope are burning in the presence of defeat..."

The man sighed. He could never hide a thing to this woman at all.

"Hizaya..." she called again. "...dear you're a good man..."

"Haha...thanks."

"You're a selfless guy...I wish you all the best you know that."

"Hmm..."

"This...uhm..." she paused, trying to find better words. But at the end of the day, it would still be the direct ones she'd choose. How Hizaya's parents couldn't give the understanding the man needed, it was she who showered it all down. "This Kisa Shouta...likes you back?"

The black eyes searched the blue ones. After a minute of silence, of fidgeting like a small child, of embarassment like in a first love, of being lost like a wavering man, Kagetora merely chuckled as he whispered;

_"Friend. Best friend."_

* * *

When Yukina went inside the car himself, the prince merely sat there looking at the front. It seemed like the man heard something he wasn't expecting from the call he just made. He looked disoriented.

"Oi...Yukina?" Kisa called. "What's the matter?"

Glancing a little to the direction of the voice, Yukina shook his head slightly as he wore his seat belt.

"Nothing...no it was nothing..."

Knitting his brows, Kisa pursed his lips. "You don't look 'nothing' to me."

"Ha..."

"Where you being scolded? I told you I can look after Enamoto-san for today..."

"No...I wasn't being scolded," Yukina mumbled as he brought the car into life.

"Yeah right. Who would scold _the_ current Prince of everyone?"

"It's just...hey double check your seat belt."

Kisa looked down on the seat belt tightly securing him but dutifully tugged at them anyway as what he was told. As he did so, the annoying marks under the raven's jaw proudly presented themselves for the prince's eyesight.

When the raven lifted his much relaxed gaze at Yukina, was the same time the latter looked away. The car started taking speed.

"Hey, why look away?" Kisa asked, more and more getting confused. "I thought we're already okay?"

Yukina's profile showed a glimpse of a smile. The prince shook his head and pointed ahead of the road.

"Where else am I supposed to look when driving?"

"Ah-right."

The sun was already high up, the road hot and humid. The car's aircon was acting up on them and left them no choice but to let the windows a little down to get a breeze inside. The entire ride was surprisingly peaceful though. Once in a while, they'd see high schoolers in their sports uniform for their summer training. Some where on their way to cram schools and some just for fun.

The trees were so green in contrast with the very blue sky. And for a morning when rush hour was supposed to be at their throats, the ride was smooth and barely had any traffic.

"Mind if I turn the radio on?" Kisa asked not waiting for the man's reply. "There..."

When the traffic lights went to red, Yukina peered at the passenger's seat. Kisa seemed to be busy looking for something in his bag. Getting curious himself, Yukina asked the obvious restless man.

"What is it?"

"I know I threw it in here."

"Threw what?"

"Wait..." Kisa continued rummaging into his bag. The 'stop' turned to 'go' and Yukina had to look ahead once more. "Here!"

Stealing a look at what Kisa was holding, Yukina frowned. It was a concealer. A concealer he clearly knew what for.

"I can't wear a turtle neck or a scarf in this heat can I?" Kisa said as he uncapped the tube. "Aren't I a genius?"

"Yeah...sure..."

At the corner of his eyes, Yukina watched the other dab concealer all over the latter's neck. So fast and precise like the man had been doing this every time he got the same problems way back then.

"Won't that get infected?"

"Infected?" Kisa asked almost with a laugh. "The skin is not torn, it's okay. I''ve done this before and it's very effective."

"..."

"I'm just...trying to hide them. This is my solution even from before. I don't want Enamoto-san bombarding me with questions too."

It was a good thing Yukina had unconsciously glanced at the rear-view mirror. He saw the very reflection of his face getting sour. He was able to wipe it off as if there wasn't any change in his calm exterior.

"The hospital is this near?" Kisa commented as he craned his neck at the view outside the window. "When we were rushing yesterday it felt like it was so very far..."

Yukina pursed his lips as he maneuvered the car into the row of parked cars in the parking lot. The light music from the radio still lingering inside.

"I took a lot of things 'coz I don't know women fashion..." Kisa chimed as he took his seat belt off of him, twisting himself to look at the back seat for the woman's bag. "She can just choose from all the dresses I brought an-"

"Kisa-san."

The raven was about to open the car door that time. Yet that call of his name made him glance back at the driver's seat, towards where Yukina was still sitting, rendering him immobile.

"..."

Kisa felt a little nervous. It was clear that Yukina had something in his mind. Maybe question him who drove him back home. Question him where he spent the night. Maybe question him with so many things he had no answer of. Either way, Yukina had been a little off since the man ended that call earlier.

"W-what?"

The prince stared at the waiting eyes before him. They were still a little puffy but very much like the way they used to. As if dark clouds had moved away and those eyes regained their usual luster.

_"Yukina-san?"_

The woman's voice in the other line of the phone earlier came rushing back to Yukina's memory. It sounded business-like, yet somehow sounded with different hint of thoughts in it.

_"Ah...right...I was lost for a moment..." _Yukina had said. "_He's fun to get along with."_

The woman was silent for quite a while. A sound of the heels of shoes against a tiled floor echoing in the background.

_"Yukina-san..." _the woman laughingly continued.

_"Yes?"_

_"The one you're recommending to me is a male friend correct?"_

_"Uh-yes."_

_"Not like I have any prejudice but...For a moment there I thought you were describing a precious loved one to me."_

_"Ha?"_

The woman lightly sighed, her voice still with a hint of a smile. _"Just my thought, never mind. Anyway, I'll message you when there's an opening for your _close friend..."

Kisa blinked at the seemingly off Yukina, even waiving a hand at the man's face.

"Oi...Yuki...what?"

Yukina Kou slowly raised a hand. Grabbed his cap off, swiftly putting it on the raven's head.

"Too close!" Yukina groaned with a grin. "Hurry up! Get out!"

Kisa grinned back, fixing the cap properly on his head. There was no reason for him to hold back after all. This was one of the sole moments where he can indulge. Indulge himself with the littlest memorable times with this man.

"This smells nice," Kisa mumbled, pertaining to the cap now on his head.

"Hai hai..."

"Ne, Yuki..." the raven toned down. "...what's that call really about? You seem off there for a moment..."

Pausing, the prince pondered what he'd say. Yet instead of answering, he merely pulled the cap on the raven's head lower, making Kisa lose sight of him.

"What are you-"

"Let's go."

The two walked in the open parking lot. Alone, in the midst of cars and vans under the pretty day. Cheerily walking ahead of Yukina, the raven would once in a while glance back at the prince walking a few feet behind.

Yukina silently watched. Thoughts he only knew swirling in his mind.

The exterior the prince was pulling was perfect; calm, collected, not a drop of trouble could be seen. Yet behind his sunglasses, his eyes would give him away.

The light-brown eyes were serious. That call was so simple yet stirred something great in him.

"You're being a slow poke you know?" Kisa called.

"Am not," he replied.

Kisa then walked ahead, his hands swinging beside him like a child, tugging at the red cap on his head once in a while.

The raven looked so happy. The raven looked so free.

And at the same time Yukina felt a prickly sensation somewhere in him. They sting. They bother him.

The smile Kisa Shouta was wearing under the sun, Yukina Kou out of nowhere felt conscious of it.

For the first time...he really was.

He was worried.

He was rattled.

He was afraid.

Because...

He was straight.

He wasn't gay.

It couldn't be explained. It couldn't be put into words alone.

He only knew one thing now.

One thing he was so sure of.

"..."

He didn't want that smile to fade.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

Hi guys! Sorry for last week without updates. You see...I am trying to look for a part time job. school is tough but i need to have a parttime. Hahaha...i need to grow.

anyway...remember i told you guys i'll let you see Cross? you can see a glimpse of him at my two tumblr accounts (for those who're following me tell me what yah think. for those not, the tumblr accounts are on my profile here!) tell me what you think of him okay? i drew him and he turned out to be exactly how i wanted him to be. XD angel. yet devilish.

thanks for the time reading! just look at my profile once in while for update schedules.

have a great day while i kill myself with school stuff and looking for a part-time. wish me luck guys! XD

~~~shuusetsu

**ps:**_ the random lines the old lady was saying to Kagetora Hizaya was not written by me. it came from a poem anonymously written with a title __**"When God Wants a Man". you have to read the entire poem. it's sooooo strong. the first time i heard it being read by chance on a radio, i nearly cried.**_

oh...better yet...let me post it here. since it's such a work of art a waste not to share. when one aspires to be a writer...one must learn to appreciate. :) as maybe not all are religious, but you'd see the genius in this poem. it's a mystery why most of the best poems i've read...are written anonymously. XD

**When God Wants a Man**

(Anonymous)

When God wants to drill a man and thrill a man and skill a man...

When God wants to mold a man to play the noblest part;

When He yearns with all His heart to create so great and bold a man that all the world shall praise...

Watch His methods;

Watch His ways!

How He ruthlessly perfects whom He royally elects...

How He hammers him and hurts him,

And with mighty blows converts him

Into frail shapes of clay that only God understands. How his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands...

How he bends but never breaks when His good he undertakes.

How He uses whom He chooses...with every purpose fuses him;

By every art induces him to try His splendor out...

God knows what He's about!

When God wants to take a man and shake a man and wake a man...

When God wants to make a man to do the future's will;

He tries with all His skill...

When He yearns with all His soul to create him large and whole...

With what cunning He prepares him...

How He goads and never spares him! How He whets him and He frets him and in poverty begets him...

How often He disappoints whom He sacredly anoints!

With what wisdom He will hide him;

Never minding what betide him...

Though his genius sob with slighting and his pride may not forget;

Bids him struggle harder yet!

Makes him lonely so that only God's high messages shall reach him...

So that He may surely teach him what the hierarchy planned;

And though he may not understand...

Gives him passions to command.

How remorselessly He spurs him...

With terrific ardor stirs him

When He poignantly prefers him.

When God wants to name a man and fame a man and tame a man...

When God wants to shame a man to do His Heavenly best;

When He tries the highest test that His reckoning may bring...

When He wants a [god] or king;

How He reins him and restrains him so his body scarce contains him...

While He fires him and inspires him…

Keeps him yearning, ever burning for that tantalizing goal.

Lures and lacerates his soul...

Sets a challenge for his spirit;

Draws it highest then he's near it!

Makes a jungle that he clear it;

Makes a desert that he fear it...and subdue it, if he can -

So doth God make a man!

Then

To test his spirit's wrath

Throw a mountain in his path;

Puts a bitter choice before him and relentlessly stands o'er him...

Climb or perish, so He says...

But, watch His purpose, watch His ways.

God's plan is wondrous kind - could we understand His mind?

Fools are they who call His blind!

When his feet are torn and bleeding;

Yet his spirit mounts unheeding...

Blazing newer paths and finds;

When the Force that is Divine leaps to challenge every failure,

And His ardour still is sweet -

And love and hope are burning in the presence of defeat!

Lo the crisis, Lo the shouts that would call the leader out...

When the people need salvation doth he rise to lead the nation;

Then doth God show His plan...

And the world has found a man!


	14. Chapter 14

**XIV**

* * *

He looked left and right. The empty hallway a silent and cold view which greeted him. The lights above his head was too bright. Too bright it was pounding until the back of his head. He shook his head a little to fend off the coming headache. But it didn't work out.

"..."

Kisa's very stance looked sluggish. His very face an open book now, which he had so guarded to be shut close just a few minutes ago.

"..."

This was the third day of Enamoto Kia in the hospital. The third and not the last, as the woman doctor highly suggested that Kia should remain in there for further check-ups and observation. The woman suddenly came up with a fever. The advice although not serious, somehow got a certain prince all worried that he insisted Kia stay there a couple more days.

Kisa Shouta had just spent the night there, watching over the woman, telling her tales and his experiences in the entertainment industry. When asked though when his filming for the independent film would start, he would always jump to another story, dodging the query.

Morning was slow in a private hospital it seemed. Kisa noticed this when he went down to go out and buy stuff from the convenience store nearby ealier.

Armed with only a cap, the heat outside sapped all his energy, also making him sweat profusely. He stopped when he saw an empty bench on the way to the third floor and sat there. In and out he calmed his breathing. He wiped off the trickle of sweat with his palm and looked up the ceiling closing his eyes.

After a few seconds, he opened his lids and almost immediately got his breath knocked off.

"Yukina?"

"Shhss..." the man frowned still with a soft smile. "You know you can't call me in that name here, did you forget?"

Kisa slapped his mouth jokingly and stood.

"What's up? I thought you'd be here later in the afternoon, _Yuki-san_?" Kisa asked, eyeing the black ray-ban on the prince's face with appreciation.

"The shoot was around the area," Yukina glanced on either sides of him for no reason. Satisfied, he then looked back at the shorter figure before him. "I figured the three of us can have lunch together before I go back."

"Yeah," Kisa cocked his head to the side. "You mean hospital food?"

The two started walking side by side. A foot of space between them, a safe distance, a normal distance. Kisa was satisfied walking together with the man when he noticed the prince looking behind him again. It made Kisa look back too. But what he saw was only an empty hallway of a hospital wing rarely used.

"What is it? A reporter following you?" Kisa asked in a soft voice. "You keep on glancing back."

Yukina ruffled the back of his head, dismissing the idea. "No...I just feel..."

The man increased his pace, with Kisa following the same. The prince knitted his brows and opened the door the most familiar to them. He opened it for Kisa and allowed the raven to enter first. The prince then roamed his eyes again at the hallway where they just came from.

"..."

It might have been that he was just tired. Or maybe he was a little over the idea since he had to be careful in being found out he was with his pregnant ex-girlfriend.

"Kou! What are you spacing out there?" a sweet voice of a woman called. "Kisa-san and I will eat all the pudding here!"

The prince forced a smile. He glanced one more time before closing the door.

At the end of the hallway, Yukina thought he saw a shadow.

* * *

Ten minutes ago.

"So?" a man with a scowl asked as he sat in the waiting area with crossed arms over his chest. Boredom written all over his face. "Did the doctor said you only have a day or an hour to live?"

"Shut it," the man standing across the other almost barked. "It wouldn't hurt to be careful, would it? In our line of work, I wouldn't be surprised if one day one of us gets seriously sick."

The man raised his hand, his long fingers adorned with unique silver and diamond bands. He brought it to his mahogany hair and yawned as he brushed through them.

"Whatever. Hurry up and settle the bill. Why do you have to bring me with you? For emotional support?"

"Cross, I lost my appetite and got these weird patches on my skin! Who would not panic in that!" the man replied. "You wouldn't understand. Unlike you I value my life."

The man sitting snorted, a flash of his white teeth visible from the mirror on their side. No matter how ugly his treatment of this co-worker of his, he was still there anyway for the fun of it.

"Value your life? You die when it's your time. Whether you stuck up with condoms or go in this hospital day and night."

The man shook his head as he stepped away when Cross stood. "You're such a dick."

"Thanks for the compliment."

The other man rolled his eyes. He got so used to what kind of a specie Cross was that getting annoyed or frustrated seemed to be just a waste of time.

"I'll go to the car first," Cross announced. "Make it fast I've got a cover shoot."

"Yes, yes...your majesty."

Walking then towards the main lobby of the hospital, Cross raised his arms behind his head, whistling a tune of a song he heard a while ago. The receptionists smiled at him warmly. Cross did the same and decided to turn back.

"The main entrance is too far from the parking lot..." he grumbled, feeling lazy. "There should be some other way here..."

Not in the slightest thought did Cross expect that he'd see something unusual. He had already accepted that he must have some weird ties with a certain raven. Given they cross with each other in the most unexpected ways.

His green eyes narrowed as he saw this Kisa Shouta push open the revolving glass doors. The man looked like he had a battle with the heat outside and the glow of sweat from his face made him look quite appealing even though it was a freaking hospital they were at.

"Should give him a shock..." Cross grinned, just waiting for the proper time.

He followed the raven, like air that was never noticed. After a couple of walks, Kisa sat on an empty bench on a third floor and fanned himself with his hand.

The shadow just behind a turn was readying himself to leap out and give Kisa a scare, yet before he could even pop out, another familiar face appeared. This face was all over the billboards and commercials and movies and dramas. No hiding behind sunglasses can cover who the newcomer was.

_"What the...him?"_

"Yukina?" Kisa asked in surprise.

"Shhh," the new comer said good-naturedly. "You can't call me in that name, did you forget?"

"Oh..._Yuki-san?"_

From a few days ago where Cross had called someone in the name of 'Yuki' using Kisa Shouta's phone, from the time he could remember Kisa looking so distraught from being so unfortunate with his career and relationships, and a certain guy who 'dumped' him, an indescribable grin started forming on his lips. He couldn't wipe if off. Instead, it grew in a wide, vicious smile. It almost looked like a smile no one would find charming at all.

Cross followed with his gaze the two. He pinned the image of them at the back of his mind. Every gesture. Every detail.

Then he whistled. A tuneless tune. A happy, knowing tune fit for nothing good. And like a real shadow, blended with the other shadows casted by the sun through the windows.

Seemed like it was true. When the sun was too bright, accompanying dark forms were also everywhere. Just at the corners. Just at the sides.

* * *

Kisa was so tired that even just closing the door to Enamoto Kia's room felt like dragging a boulder. He warily looked left and right and sneakiy walked to the room next door. When he held the knob, it surprisingly turned with ease, the clicking sound a little comforting. Somehow, in Kisa's tired mind, that sound was a welcoming tune of a breathing hole.

He opened the door and saw a small bed at the corner. When he inhaled, a mix of alcohol and other disinfectants filled his lungs.

"..."

He threw another glance at the glass door panel. He needed a quiet and dark place right now. So he left the lights turned off and dragged his feet towards the bed.

"Haa..."

The feel of the cold and soft mattress the moment he laid his back on it soothed his entire body. It led him into forgetting that using a vacant hospital room wasn't allowed. It led him to forget all rules and niceties and hogged that room as his. It led him into closing his eyes. It led him to drew in deep breaths as if he was trying to release pent up balls of air inside him. For a brief moment, the features of his face finally softened up.

Yet it didn't last long.

Slowly, his relaxed face scrunched up. He opened his eyes and watched the heads of people passing by through the glass panel of the door.

Forget about being jobless. He was plagued by something else.

_"Kisa-san, do I look ugly?" _

That was earlier this afternoon. When from out of nowhere, while trying to fix her flowing hair into an elegant bun, Enamoto Kia just suddenly asked. Kisa who was busying himself with checking out audition schedules behind a novel as a pretense looked confused.

_"Eh?"_

_"Or...did I become so fat after getting pregnant?!" _she continued. Her round eyes getting bigger_. "Do I look weird now?"_

Kisa could well remember the laugh he gave. The woman was becoming conscious suddenly.

_"You don't look weird,"_ the raven assured. _"Pretty, pregnant lady as what others would put it_."

The woman brought her eyes down to her belly, the bump now very obvious. She had a quite disturbing smile on her face.

"_Ne...Kisa-san...Kou is still as caring and sweet as always to me...and I know how cruel I've been to him...but..." _she bit her bottom lip and looked at Kisa straight in the eyes. The raven felt his heart pound. He understood. He completely could see the unsaid words hanging in the air. _"..."_

Kisa who could feel his jaws dropping, swallowed. He wiped the dark veil pulling over his face and made a bright smile as he left his chair to sit on the bed beside the woman.

_"Why the long face_?" Kisa asked._ "Your baby's face will turn all scrunched up like that if you aren't careful."_

The pretty large eyes looked at the raven with visible traces of tears about to fall down. Even so Kia smiled a little, which weirdly enough, made her all the more pretty.

_"Don't cry," _Kisa urged, patting the woman on the shoulder like how a very close brother would. _"Every baby deserves someone they can call as 'dad'. Me, my dad was never a dad at all..."_

"..."

"..."

The two suddenly was drifting on a meaningful silence. Which second by second was becoming thicker.

Kisa embarrassingly looked away when he felt his own eyes betraying him. _"My point is...don't hesitate. A dad isn't necessarily someone blood related. A dad...is someone who could give care and support and love unconditionally, no matter what."_

At the back of Kisa's mind, he could see a picture of his own face scowling at him. But what can he do when he could clearly feel that those were the words that the anxious pregnant woman was dying to hear. She needed to hear those to be at ease. A sense of support to the obvious thing she was thinking about. Asking Yukina Kou.

And Kisa...was far too kind not to say it. Even if he was as though digging his own grave in the process.

The raven pulled the white sheets up to his neck and closed his eyes. Seconds, minutes passed. And his somehow calmed breathing had turned into a labored one. In the dim, his cheeks became lined with something wet, that went past over the bridge of his nose down to the white pillow under his head.

"..."

He had perfected it. He could smile when he felt sad. He could show happiness even though he was dying of anger. He was an expert. He'd been doing it for ten years. Yet, this was the only instance that acting had become so a terrible experience. Every time he had to put an encouraging face, every time he had to act calm and accommodating and patient, he'd feel a thousand times bitter. And he was getting afraid of what it'd make him in the future.

The more he wanted to give Yukina Kou the space, the more constricted it was becoming for Kisa.

The more he was trying to become a support for the woman who had become close to him already, the more he could feel the ugly side of him surfacing.

"..."

Kisa, no matter how much he ignore or deny it, he was walking the last inches of this delicate thread in him.

"It's okay..." he chanted as he wiped his face with his hand hurriedly. "_It's not too bad_..."

Sniffing, restlessly turning around the bed, he finally found the side where he could relax. In a fetal position, hugging himself, he fell asleep.

* * *

"..."

Due to exhaustion physically and mentally, his sleep was disturbing rather than healing. He could see a swirl of colors, faces, different scenarios that happened in his life. All were happening at a fast rate as if he was looking through a broken kaleidoscope.

"...?"

Kisa saw a pregnant woman. He saw a man with a mahogany hair. He saw a familiar close friend shaking his head at him. And he saw a hundred others pointing fingers at him for being disgusting, for being stupid, for being a martyr and for all other reasons one could think about.

Kisa tried to look away but they were glaring back at him. They continued flashing one after another, as if telling and piecing a story Kisa already was so familiar with.

That was his messy life all in all.

"..."

At the end of the messy and disturbing kaleidoscope, a face came into plain view. A face no doubt without doing anything could calm him.

_"White looks good on you..." _Kisa thought. _"Simple...classy..."_

In the annoying records of his life playing in the background, there was a presence simply standing. Merely looking. Merely observing. That man far from Kisa's grasp even in his dreams just stood looking straight at him.

_"Why are you looking at me that way?"_ Kisa asked although he wasn't sure if that prince would respond.

_"You look tired,"_ the prince said, though his lips didn't seem to have moved one bit.

_"I _am_ tired..."_ Kisa said with a suppressed laugh hinting of frustration. _"I'm tired of my messy career...and well...hanging in the air...I didn't know could be this tiring..."_

The Yukina in Kisa's dreams remained far, almost like he'd disappear any second.

_"I'm sorry..."_

That prince said so softly almost just breathing it out.

Kisa saw the very traces of remorse that almost perfect face had. If he saw that in real life, he'd probably paint it to his own convenience. Well maybe he can. This was his own vision and dream alone after all.

_"Yuki..."_ the raven called. _"Can you come here?"_

Kisa just went on watching the fog around the prince's feet. Like a barrier, like a wall between them. And he wondered if the prince would so much as leap over that barrier for him. Just a little solace in dreams would suffice for Kisa.

_"Can you come here?" _Kisa repeated softly. _"It's...it's always me reaching out you know..."_

All of the things Kisa could see in his disturbing dream one by one faded. They faded and the only thing left was a white veil of light and a prince just staring at him. No movements. No response.

"..."

"..."

Kisa could feel a laughter about to escape his lips. How can one feel so embarrassed even in his unconscious state? There he was ordering someone to do something totally out of his frustrations and inner hopes. What was funny was even his own dream was denying him of his own fantasies.

_"...ha...I knew it..."_

Warily, Kisa looked back at the prince. The figure had become almost transparent, fading into the light. And then, the laughter in the raven's throat, surprisingly went out as a sob.

_"...I'm getting rejected just about anywhere..." _Kisa half laughed, half sobbed. _"...I get tired too...it's pathetic..."_

Kisa knew the mist of Yukina's presence had already vanished. He knew. He was sure of it.

So when he saw that very face right in front of him, so close he could almost see his own reflection through those light-brown eyes, Kisa swallowed.

Tawny hues against dark grey. They stared back and back. In the closeness, Kisa felt anticipation. He felt hope.

"..."

"..."

That face, perfect in every way came closer and closer. The eyes, the nose, the lips. Second by second, Kisa watched those lips he was yearning for. He watched as they inched closer. Closer, nearer until Kisa had nothing more to look at.

Point zero. No distance. No space.

And at the moment when Kisa savored that light kiss, sweet as he had imagined it would be, he sighed. And then he felt at ease and fell down into a much calming and healing rest.

* * *

"Tell me how should I interpret that?"

That voice suddenly came out of nowhere the instant he closed the door behind him. He glanced to the cold voice and an equally cold eyes were staring at him.

Kagetora Hizaya.

"Answer me."

Yukina Kou faced the man without any trace of worry, or surprise.

"Yukina..." the man continued in a tone lower and more stern. "I'm well aware of what's happening between you two so no need to patch things up."

"..."

"What was that?"

Looking at Kagetora, then glancing a little at the closed door behind them, Yukina brought a hand to his neck.

Kagetora glanced around. And then took a step closer as if the two were just close buddies talking something within themselves.

"Are you gay?" Hizaya continued.

The look on Yukina's face was enough for an answer. The prince looked so appalled he couldn't speak.

Kagetora rolled his eyes with his fake smile. "No...? So you like girls only yet kisses someone who's obviously just talking in his sleep?"

Yukina's face was starting to darken in many ways than one.

Kagetora on the other hand raised an arm, draping it round the prince's shoulder, grinning at the two female nurses who passed by who knew about their presence in that hospital. In his grinning lips came a statement, calm yet harsh.

"We've worked together countless times and I've no qualms on you as a co-actor," Hizaya said, his voice getting lower and lower almost like he was becoming distant. "But..."

"..."

"You know what?" the man hissed before pushing at the prince's chest a bouquet of 'get-well-soon' flowers obviously for Enamoto Kia. "Fuck you for making Kisa the convenient guy."

"..."

"Weigh your priorities."

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

hi everyone. this is not really sure, i may update next week or not, depending if i can review properly since i've got tons of exams coming. haha

anyway, goodluck to us!

-shuusetsu


	15. Chapter 15

**XV**

* * *

When the old time authors, those who chose to be anonymous said 'Time is gold', they weren't lying. Nor were they saying how important time is. Neither were they implying that people should be wise managers of time. No they were not saying that. Not at all.

They were simply hinting one thing. And oh how they must have been laughing in their graves at how this seemingly unharmful phrase being given importance now.

Back then, the body represents time. How it flows. How it matures. How it shapes into something else.

Back then, gold has never been presumed to be limitless. They shine. They provoke. And then they're gone.

When people loved writing in puzzles, they did this. And they really must have been having a lot of fun now. At how humanity colored it to be something oh so sentimental. What a great laugh for them it must have become.

'Time is gold'.

Or.

Something harsh cloaked in these inspiring words.

It was the very phrase that Yukina Kou was seeing from the window of his manager's office. The building on the other side had this electric board putting on a 'day to day' quote. Today, that never ending used-up phrase was blinking in a timely manner. Flashing in gold lights contrasting the black, it appeared like a pulse in Yukina's head.

Autumn. Middle of Autumn to be exact. The air had become so chilly that it made everything moving in slow motion yet spiraling fast. The scent lingering around had a touch of earthy yet sweet smell all around. The fire of red, burning with the gold and yellow of falling leaves made a spectacular view.

But the prince's eyes would always be drawn back to the electronic board.

"Yukina-san...did you hear what I just said?" a middle aged woman asked. She would have looked younger if not for the premature lines surrounding her mouth and the thick eyeglasses hiding her large blue eyes. "Hello?"

The prince who was currently absorbed in the view outside remained watching still. He was listening to the woman the entire time though, contrary to what the manager was thinking. Yukina had heard every single thing. Every word. Every detail.

_"Your polls are dropping Yukina-san..."_

Yukina could still even hear it.

_"Kagetora Hizaya-san remains on the top spot of many poll magazines now...if we don't do anything about this...you'd lose many more offers."_

The prince slightly shifted his weight on the other side of the couch and swallowed a yawn.

_"Maybe it's because of that movie you refused?" _the manager had asked with a frown. _"The theme may be a little too bold but what's with the harm?" _ she grabbed a handful of paper and scanned them impatiently. _"Why did you have to refuse without consulting me first? Now...that big producer must have been hinting its displeasure on you and is taking revenge. You know that dirty-mouthed old geezer..."_

Yukina had remained silent even when the woman's voice was becoming to sound impatient.

_"Why did you have to refuse?" _she repeated, unable to hide her bit of annoyance_. " Do you still remember how hard we fought to get here? There are tons of handsome talented faces out there but pulling the lights on one is the hardest part. For us to stay we should grab on to every opportunity and be on good terms even with the devils..."_

The light brown eyes narrowed a bit. He continued gazing outside, pretending that he was hearing nothing.

"..."

Why did he refuse? Of course he could not say it. There were many things going on in the prince's life that he sought hard not to be exposed.

_"Weigh your priorities."_

Those words came from a certain someone. Three weeks ago? Maybe longer than that. It just went by like lightning. It was so simple it was driving him nuts. It sucked too that he had to hear it from him. So simple any grade-schooler can understand. But something any adult would find most difficult to do.

"Yukina-san...we're really suddenly losing our footing this is bad..." the manager mumbled, looking suddenly tired. Though Yukina was worried about his own manager, he couldn't keep his mind still.

The prince only sighed.

A few weeks ago, when summer was officially about to end, Enamoto Kia was about to be released but got sick and has to be confined instead. Those days, he saw day by day the exhaustion of someone who was catching all the pressure and work of watching over the woman. That someone who seemed like needing care himself. That someone who blatantly confessed to him. That someone he refused yet was still there. Kisa.

Every time Yukina was seeing that raven with deeper eye bags, with puffier eyes, he could think of nothing but to at least carry on some weight. After all, this wasn't Kisa Shouta's problem.

He couldn't accept another movie filming when his life behind the camera was a mess. So he refused. He made sure to sneak in to the hospital before without permission and would come late back at the shoot. He refused some TV guestings and made sure to always be at Kisa's house together with the pregnant woman when she was released.

_"Eh...why are you so early today?"_ Kisa Shouta had asked once while hanging on clothes to dry in the summer night wind. "_You have a late night shoot...corrrect?"_

_"I'm so good with my acting I did them all in one take," _Yukina replied as he bent to help the raven finish on with the hanging of the laundry._ "Nothing less of me don't you think?"_

Kisa laughed at that. His laughter sounded really calming to Yukina's ears the past days. It made him at ease. It made him get a hold of things for some reason he couldn't explain.

_"Hai hai...I should grab my seat then for your awards night huh?"_ Kisa side-way glanced with a faint flush on his cheeks. It was so evident in the moonlight. _"Can you finish the remaining clothes there? I'll go make dinner. Enamoto-san helped me prepare it. I'll just reheat it."_

_"Sure. Thanks."_

That time Kisa grinned at Yukina. Nodding happily the raven pretended that he was holding a camera, flashing imaginary shutters at the prince.

_"Sure is a privilege to see the prince hanging laundry though."_

_"Stop with the prince,"_ Yukina whispered, suddenly turning his gaze away. This was the day he started feeling the awry situation at work. _"You're...exaggerating."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

"..."

_"Cheer up. Everyone's gonna get fed up with you like some sort of soiled food but I won't."_

Yukina would be lying if he didn't feel one bit caught up in that. Kisa made sure to make it sound like a joke. But who would not know the meaning when the raven's face was all lit up?

_"Kisa-san...don't compare me with an expired food or something_," Yukina responded in a half-scolding voice the raven seemed to like.

"_Don't we all have expiration dates in this industry?" _

The prince and the raven looked eye to eye. Both knew this. But how Kisa said it was a little troubling.

_"I'm way past that date..."_ Kisa had whispered but gathered on a much brighter smile at the taller man. "_But believe me, you're different. You're special."_

Yukina grabbed a blue towel that looked darker in the night from the basket. He hung it slowly, seeing the raven still looking at him from the corners of his eyes. Since that day when Kisa went home with obvious traces of someone else on his skin, since that day they talked and fixed their vague relationship be clothed with 'friendship'_,_ Kisa had been more open into expressing his thoughts. Into showing his feelings with his acts. He could even see the times when the raven was just pretending or not.

The prince had no idea how to respond though. Most of the time, he could only pull a smile and pretend like he didn't hear nor see nor feel anything.

Cruel? Yes. He knew that of all people.

The pressure of another man's hoping eyes at him. It was starting to affect him.

About Kisa? He cares. That's for sure. But as to reciprocating...

"Plus, you're always late now when it comes to your commitments! What's going on with you really?" the manager cut in through Yukina's thoughts. "You keep on going to somewhere without telling me and..."

The prince's manager continued on with her complaints and her fears.

Yukina went on just watching the flashing day quote of the electronic board outside.

While Yukina Kou was laughing, smiling, talking with Kisa or to Kia, people whom he was working with was beginning to complain at the decreasing work ethics and focus of the prince.

And now it boiled down to this. It was so easy to summarize, the manager need not to exaggerate.

Yukina refused a producer. The producer was badmouthing him. He was losing his offers. He was losing with the polls. He was going down. So fast. Period.

"'_Time is gold'?_

"Human meets end", clearly now if they leave things as they were.

* * *

No one would notice. It simply was that amazing how he could blend in that sea of people. With his height, with his built, he should have garnered every single one's attention. But no one did. In fact, no one wanted to get close to him. Just because of the watering blisters on the sides of his face and arm. Just because of the seemingly rotten flesh eating away all over him, not one, not even a glance could people try giving him.

What an amazing thing prosthetic make-ups could do.

"Hey you. Care to tell me why you're tagging along with me here in the groceries with that disgusting look of yours?"

Kisa Shouta was in the aisle of sugars and baking powder. He never really needed any coverage so he just up and scowled at the severely sick looking man following him around.

"Haha...this thing works like magic huh?" Kagetora Hizaya snickered, catching a glimpse of his heinous appearance into the glass of refrigerated butter. "Amazing...I look disgusting."

"You're being a nuisance to the shoppers. They think it's real and contagious," Kisa mumbled, comparing the prices of sugar with both hands. The grocery cart beside him. "You and Yuki could just easily pop anywhere you guys please. And it's always me getting worried..."

When Hizaya saw that Kisa was about to go look into the other side, he grabbed the cart from the raven's hold and started pushing it on his own. Kisa just sighed and resolved himself that the man won't go away no matter what he tells him.

"Well...we're trying out different looks for this horror film so...," Hizaya replied, checking out the rows of unsweetened chocolate bars on both their sides. "Err...let me check if I got my calendar mixed up alright? It's not February yet, is it?"

"Idiot. What are you talking about?" Kisa asked with a grin. "October. Unless time got warped."

"Then...what are we doing here? I'm about to get suffocated with all the sweet scent here."

Kisa Shouta stopped at the front of tablets and tablets of black hardened chocolate. The raven stood and looked at it as if he was seeing something off with them. Lethargically, Kisa picked one and slowly placed the bars into the cart.

"Oi...Earth calling Kisa," Hizaya called. "Oi...suddenly getting silent-"

"It's Enamoto-san's birthday today."

"..."

Kisa then moved to get some food coloring and placed them all in the cart too.

The smile on Kagetora's face faded as he watched the raven dutifully look into his list back into the stuff displayed in front of them.

"Why the hell are you..."

"..."

"The hell..." Kagetora removed his grip from the cart and frowned. With his fake melting skin and his real angry eyes, he couldn't look any scarier. "Did he ask you to do this?"

"Well...it's some sort of their bonding you know. Enamoto-san had told me once that they do this every year when they were still together. Baking their own cakes and such. It's kinda...it's Enamoto-san who asked me..."

The other man merely laughed a humorless laugh.

"I am seriously getting pissed at you."

"..."

"This is not self-sacrifice Kisa, this is idiocy. The gravest kind."

Some shoppers who could hear the anger in Kagetora's voice chose to stay away from the aisle were the two were. As if an invisible sign had been drawn, screaming 'keep out', that spot had been segregated from the rest.

Kagetora waited for Kisa's any thoughts about it. But the raven just continued on scanning for birthday candles.

"Say something you idiot."

"..."

"Kisa, this is seriously unlike you. Since when did you become that guy's lap dog or that woman's bridge maker huh?"

The raven took little pink candles and looked at the price. Quietly, he placed them inside the cart and watched it piled together with the rest. When he looked at Hizaya, the raven's mouth was in a tight-lipped smile.

"Do I look like I am having fun?" Kisa whispered. "I watch them every day getting closer...nearer...to the point as if they don't need me anymore."

"Then don't do it!"

Kisa tiredly smiled at Hizaya. He knew this idiocy without this close friend telling him. "But if I don't do this...what role then would that leave me in his life?"

"But-"

"Hizaya. I can still handle it. Don't worry about me."

The man in ugly prosthetic, supposed to be an acclaimed actor couldn't hide the annoyance even in his breathing. He looked away, ruffled his already messy hair and drew a deep breath.

"How can you say not worry, when you look this miserable. Ever try showing that face to him for once?"

"How can I?" Kisa shrugged. "I am supposed to be the source of support, remember?"

Kisa started walking away. It left Kagetora no choice but to wheel the cart, following the raven silently. He watched the sluggish way the raven walked. He watched Kisa's absent minded gaze once in a while. And Kagetora could only shake his head at his own weakness.

"Kisa."

Stopping on his tracks, Kisa glanced at Hizaya with a perplexed look.

"..."

"Are you that deep in him?"

Kisa looked more confused as the seconds ticked by. And so the raven walked right in front of Hizaya and gave a grateful smile. The raven knew Hizaya would always try understanding him no matter how of an idiot he may end up to be.

"What deep? How do I measure that?" Kisa whispered. "I don't even know if this has an end."

"Tsk," Hizaya grabbed the other's arm. A little too roughly, a little too tightly. "Don't recite to me a line I've used in my movie two years ago you rascal."

The raven merely smiled. "Talking so proud here Mister you got your tongue tied so badly at that time."

"Ugh...Shut up."

Kisa sighed. "...what's really gotten into you?"

Kagetora Hizaya leaned down, making sure his lips almost brushing at the other's ear. "I am pissed seeing you looking like shit. So I'm telling you a secret."

"...?"

"Listen carefully..."

* * *

After a merry celebration, what was left was heaps of dishes to wash, and confetti to be swept. Kisa Shouta looked around the living room, mop in his hands as he scrubbed the cake icing that fell on the floor earlier.

"..."

As soon as he was done cleaning the floor, he compiled the plates one after another, put the glasses of juice together, and put the left overs in a plastic bag.

Kneeling on the floor, Kisa again looked around. He caught sight of the sky from the window and the glowing stars outside. Good thing that celebration turned out to be successful. Enamoto Kia was becoming more emotional the past days as her delivery date was nearing.

"End of October huh..." he mumbled, lowering the rag on the table as he saw the digital camera lying on the sofa. He slowly reached out to it and turned it on. Slowly, a smile started forming on his lips. "How cute..."

Pictures of Enamoto Kia with icing on her nose. Pictures of Yukina Kou wearing a party hat. Pictures of the woman eating the cake with laughter. Pictures of the prince pretending to chug down wine yet it was just grape juice.

"..."

Kisa continued on pressing the button, seeing other photos. More photos of Kia. More photos of Yukina. And more photos of the two together.

"..." Kisa sighed as he started pressing on faster. "..."

How could Kisa have a photo of his own if he was the one taking all those pictures of the two earlier? How stupid of him to be even checking.

"Not one huh..."

"Kisa-san...I'll wash the dishes, just leave them on the sink."

Kisa lifted his gaze from the cam and smiled, naturally acting as if nothing was bothering him. It was Yukina.

"It's going to be finished earlier if I help you," Kisa replied, standing as he placed the cam back on the sofa. "How's she?"

Yukina moved past Kisa to lift the dishes to be washed. His scent that of the familiar scent of Enamoto Kia's perfume.

"She's tired and fell asleep in no time," Yukina answered, his expression one that of satisfaction.

"She hugged you lots," Kisa teased. "You smell like her."

"..."

* * *

In the end, Kisa was left to sit on the sofa in the living room alone. Yukina had insisted on taking care of the dishes and that he should just take it easy.

Just sitting without doing anything suddenly made Kisa feeling bored. He glanced to his left and right seeing what next thing to do. But his eyes once more landed on the cam just mere inches away from him.

"..."

Something clicked in his mind. And so the raven took the cam and as quietly as possible walked into the kitchen's entrance. As he went nearer, the sound of the running water from an open faucet became louder. And somehow there was a comforting feeling it brought.

"..."

By the time Kisa stood by the doorframe, cam in hand, Kisa forgot what he was even trying to do there.

Yukina had his back on him. The sleeves of his polo were rolled up to the arm. His humming, even though drowned by the running water had become so clear in Kisa's ears. And the prince's movements, they were so elegant although he wasn't even trying or doing it for show.

"..." Kisa held his breath and took in memories. "..."

Maybe because he was being stared at so hard, he got the feeling to look behind him. Yukina's expression when he saw Kisa standing by the door was obviously of surprise.

"Kisa-san? What's up?" the prince reached out to the the towel by the fridge. "I'm done here."

"..."

"Kisa-san?"

"Ah...nothing..." Kisa smiled, turning around. "I'll just...go outside."

* * *

It felt so tiring yet satisfying. That day. He missed being able to just be free and celebrate birthdays like they used to. After taking a shower, Yukina checked on Enamoto Kia one last time and was about to go into the only other guest room when he noticed the something silvery on the window sill.

"Ugh...cold..."

Yukina wasn't sure why the window seal was left open. So he just closed it and took the cam with him.

With a faint smile, he started walking back to the room he was occupying, leisurely looking at the photos taken a few hours back.

"Ha...she looks like a glutton..." Yukina commented as he continued browsing on the photos. "Agh...I look weird here...Kisa-san should have chosen a better pose-"

The prince clearly heard something snap inside his mind. It was so strong it caught him blank for a moment. And then came a sad realization. They had left Kisa alone in the fun. Making the raven do the picture taking.

"..."

Yukina looked outside and was about to put the cam back down when he had to lift it up again.

"...?"

_"Kisa-san what's up?" _he had asked earlier. And the answer Kisa gave with was just a normal answer no one would find it suspicious.

Yukina swallowed hard. He walked around as if he didn't know what to do. He then finally noticed the door leading to the back slightly open. And Kisa was there. Just sitting on the bench, drawing circles on the dirt with a stick.

"..."

Yukina wasn't made of stone. Yukina felt he was stabbed. He felt damn guilty. There were only pictures of him. Pictures of him washing the dishes. Pictures of him putting the plates back into the cupboards. They were all almost the same as if the button had been pressed absent mindedly.

Hurriedly, it was as if he didn't even think about it, Yukina went outside, so fast like a gush of wind behind the raven's back.

"..." Kisa glanced behind him. Upon noticing the still dripping hair of the prince, Kisa stood. "Oi...do you realize how chilly it is outside? Dry yourself fir-"

Yukina took a picture. With the cam. With a flash.

"What-" Kisa stepped back, momentarily blinded by the flash of the digital cam. "What so suddenly..."

Seeing Kisa rub his eyes, Yukina forced a smile. He took the raven by the arm and forced him to stand beside him. Placing his hand on Kisa's left shoulder, he felt like holding on to a glass.

"Err...let's take a picture."

"Huh? Now?" Kisa asked confused, still blinking at the greenish, whiteish glint in his vision. "What's gotten into you so suddenly?"

Yukina raised the cam in front of them, pulling the surprised raven closer to him. He didn't know why but he really felt like someone was strangling him. How the hell could he be so insensitive?

"On the count of three Kisa-san."

"Huh?"

"Three."

"Wait!"

"Two."

"Wha-"

"One!"

Again, that flash drowned everything else. Kisa couldn't see for crap as he blinked a couple of times into the darkness. His eyes hurt. They really hurt.

"Hey...want to take some more?" Yukina asked a little too energetically.

"It's alright...I'm never into pictures of myself anyway..." Kisa replied, smiling a little. "That's enough."

"But...Kisa-san...we made you take all the-"

"Don't bother. I'm really okay with it."

Yukina Kou looked troubled as he lowered the cam on his side. Both adjusting into the dim once more, Kisa sat back and continued on with his indescribable doodles.

"I'm happy though," Kisa mumbled.

"...?"

"You at least...thought about me."

"You didn't have to make it sound that way..."

"Yuki..."

"What is it?"

In the small garden that Kisa had painstakingly maintained himself, they were. Yukina standing. Kisa squatting before his drawings. In the dim, Yukina's surprise could not be anymore obvious. He felt something warm lacing with his free hand. Fingers, calloused yet soft were against his own, finding space, snuggly and contentedly.

"Yuki..."

"What...?"

Kisa smiled on his own. He didn't know whether he could believe that secret Hizaya had told him earlier. It would be too bad if he put his hopes on something that he couldn't even remember happening.

_"...you...heard me talking in my sleep...?" _Kisa had whispered.

_"That isn't my point."_

_"...huh...?"_

_"Did someone appear in it? Did that someone do something?"_

_"He...kis-" _

_"It wasn't a dream though."_

For the longest time that both were just in the silence, listening to the night breeze, Kisa continued on clinging. Yukina continued just staying still.

"Yuki..." Kisa mumbled, looking up suddenly. "I think...I'm falling more and more..."

Yukina felt the hand holding his grow tighter. He couldn't pull away, nor did he try doing so. But how the hell should he respond to that? To another confession that was as equally straight and strong it was piercing him.

"Just...don't forget your promise."

"Promise...?"

"About you...about her...I'm the first one to know."

Yukina looked ahead. To where he didn't even know, there were just old trees in his vision. But this time, it was Kisa who looked surprised. The wide dark eyes in the shadows were round as they stared on the prince looking at a distance. Slowly, Kisa bit his bottom lip and smiled, more relaxed now. More in hold of his emotions that was in disarray earlier.

Yukina had squeezed his hand back. Whispering ever so softly things that brought sad yet happy tears to the raven's eyes.

As silent and as simple a gesture it may be, it meant all the world to Kisa.

_"If possible I don't even want to hurt you..."_

* * *

And while these were happening, another set of photos were being scattered on top of a mahogany and messy table.

Pictures in vibrant and contrasting colors. Pictures of a pregnant woman. And pictures of a charming man. They made a perfect couple. One made in heaven.

"Can we really use this?" one troubled voice asked.

"Sure. I heard you got a problem right?"

"But...he'd..."

A hand with gold and silver bands was brought in the air. His elegant fingers with his elegant choice of clothes not matching the nylon bracelet silently dangling from his wrist.

"Aww...this is the best way to harp on the masses' hearts," the calm yet deep voice said. "With a caption, _'Prince, ready to accept a runaway princess', _I doubt if his ratings woud die anytime soon."

"But..."

The man narrowed his eyes. "It's your call Manager."

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

hi! so this is probably the real me. i could be killed with my exams but i would still be harping on my keyboard. Hahahaha...thanks for the time reading and please share your thoughts!

~~~shuusetsu


	16. Chapter 16

**A Final Glow**

He sat alone, watching the setting of the sun. The deserted comfort of the rooftop his agency provided never felt so needed as this. From the horizons, a glimpse of orange, fiery it's almost red lined the skies. In such a sad hue eating away at the scenery before him, some soft spots where the rays accumulated remained.

"..."

It felt strange. He felt devoid of anything. As he continued staring at the afternoon sky, away from people, away from the busy life of the city below, he searched his chest. He patted his chest as if he was checking for something.

His heart was still there. Beating a rythmic tune. Pumping him life.

But he knew something was wrong.

Kisa Shouta closed his eyes. He'd learned back when he was younger that skies could be tainted the reddest red when a storm was on its way. Seems like it was true.

_"About her...about you...I'm the first one to know."_

"Did you really even appreciate everything that I did?" he whispered. "You promised..."

He produced a pained chuckle. Before he knew it, he was crying. Tears just began welling and they wouldn't stop. It came from something so deep. So delicate. And the him he thought was already immune to pain, surrendered in a gash only one person could make.

Yukina Kou.

* * *

He couldn't make out what their words were. They mingled with flashes of cameras. They collided into the chorus the media was making. Bright lights which not even his sunglasses could cope with blinded him. His manager was behind him. And the rest of the hungry gossip writers, media reporters and all some other fans were his trail in this event of a mayhem.

"Yukina-san! Please! Is it true you're living with Enamoto Kia-san?!"

This was the intro to the song of devastation and surprise. The first time Yukina Kou stepped out of his car, there was no time to react for retreating or getting away. The underground parking lot, which used to be a haven for getting out and getting in safely and unnoticed had become his own cage.

"Did the two of you get back together already?!"

That was the question which stoked even more wood to the fire. It exploded into the fiery imaginations and creative minds of the people there. People who could piece puzzles together in a blink and even with just a piece of information.

"Yes, Yukina-san, you were spotted escorting her to the-"

"Please we'll be setting up a presscon if you have any questions, do it there!" the middle-aged manager shouted to no avail.

"Yukina-san! Is it true she begged you to take her in again?!"

The prince, who could almost not contain his cool remained quiet. From the barricade of people, the guards at the back were having trouble pushing in. If they forced themselves, injuries or even a riot could ensue.

Some other bystanders, those who were already satisfied with their newsfeeds stared at their phones. Their eyes glinting with the light from the device, greedy too for updates. And the most popular article was that Yukina Kou was the very example of a forgiving, kind-hearted man. A proof of what a real gentle-man was, a glimpse of a real prince in this modern day.

The ratings were skyrocketing. The polls shooting off to unbelievable heights.

"Yukina-san! The photos leaked in the media...Enamoto-san is pregnant! Is she with YOUR child?!"

The prince rigidly leaned a little towards his manager. His lips barely moving. His breathe hot and on edge.

"How on Earth is this happening?" True enough, Yukina was just quietly celebrating the birthday of the woman in question last night. No disturbance appeared. No changes in their daily lives whatsoever. Yet when the sun rose, what greeted him was an internet news with him holding the woman by the shoulder as they were crossing a parking lot. Him kissing the woman on the forehead. And him, patting the very obvious baby bump.

"Let's talk later!" the manager hissed. Yet in Yukina's observation, he saw the very hint of glee in those eyes behind glasses. The kind he could see whenever his projects were sure to sell and earn big time.

"Yukina-san! Are you getting married?!"

A deep retaliation spreaded out from within him. Yet before he could shout and act unprincely-like, the guards were finally able to reach them. Being shielded from the hawk-like eyes, the only things remaining as he was escorted onto the elevator were camera flashes, and probably their eager shouts which felt like needles poking at his back.

* * *

_"Yukina-san! Are you getting married?!"_

Around noon that day, everyone in the agency who was either on their breaks or on standy-by were glued on the wide television screens in the break room. All have their mouths half-open, eyes not blinking.

"Damn...Yukina-san accepting back a scandalous woman...it's beyond kind..." a woman chirped, fanning her hand to her face at the hot photos of the prince in the screen. "He's totally a dream guy..."

"Come to think of it...that girl is pregnant-"

"Who cares, all men should make Yukina-san their role model! Forgiving, thoughtful, _everything!_"

Kagetora Hizaya, who happened to be at the agency for a meeting was there too. For the staff he was just a normal face in their building. It was a different story for the hot topic prince who worked under a different agency.

Some of the ladies glanced at the high caliber actor and slyly grinned. "Why not follow a bit of his footsteps Kagetora-san and lie low with the womanizing?"

The man shrugged, smiling meaningfully. "My playing is because my precious doesn't want me. Understand my pain here people."

"Boo. We always hear that from you."

Kagetora glanced back at the flat screens after a bit of his usual toying. Although he had these killer smiles and his uncaring air around him, his fingers were actually digging into his palms. If one looked at him, they would only see a man by the wall, hands tucked inside his jeans fashionably.

"The bastard..." Kagetora hissed under his breath. _"Shit..." _

He knew Kisa would be heading to the agency that day too. And from that raven's habit, he could imagine the raven only so much glancing at weather reports and ignoring all about gossips. Kagetora had planned on at least breaking out the news slowly to the man, because for sure, it could be the end of the world and Kisa would still be reading on to his audition scripts instead. Moving from his spot, he started walking and taking huge stride towards the exit.

"..."

Yet the second his eyes landed at the door, he found himself nailed instead.

Kisa Shouta was by the door frame. Eyes fixed at the screens. Eyes moving from one angle to another as the screens showed photos of the hot pair with the background seemingly like that of a hospital.

_"Fuck..."_

The tall man stood before Kisa. He blocked the sight with his built yet Kisa remained looking to nothing.

"Let's go," Kagetora whispered, tugging at Kisa's bag. "You don't look good."

Lost to the world. That was the expression the big time actor rivaling Yukina kou could see. Eyes point blank. Legs immobile. Voice gone.

"Sorry. Gotta do this," Hizaya hissed unsympathetically. He held on to the raven's sling bag. He pulled it along with him, as if a leash to drag Kisa out of that cheery murmurs of the people inside the break room.

Winding halls, numerous floors, countless curious eyes. Yet somehow, Kagetora Hizaya managed to pass them all with ease with his charms. Those who saw only thought that the popular actor was just again messing with Kisa Shouta. They knew they were somehow close. A questionable bond between a big name and a small time.

Kagetora pulled on a steel door. Heavy it was and the hinges rustic from not being opened frequently. The gush of wind blew onto their faces as the welcome. And honestly though it was chilly, it gave a rather comforting feel to the stuffy and tense atmosphere he could sense from the raven near him.

Hizaya turned around, eyeing Kisa from head to foot. What really was getting on the tall man's nerves was whether it was just his imagination that Kisa was looking sickly every time they meet. The slight healthy flush that the other's cheeks had could be found nowhere.

"Come here," the man said impatiently, pulling Kisa into the open fire exit stairs before closing the door behind them. "Should I go back to the break room and bring back your soul here? Hello?"

For the first time, Kisa brought his gaze up. He looked out of it.

"Come on, Kisa. You know the child is not Yukina's. You know better than the press what's going."

When Kisa spoke, Kagetora was surprised. The latter anticipated a panicked, stammering outburst. Instead, a calm voice, so cool it chilled him was what he heard. The man would have felt much better if Kisa had been into an outburst. The Kisa in front of him was so calm it was like talking to a different person.

"What if they're getting married in reality? You know, without them telling me?"

"..."

"There are after all a lot of things that go on when it's just them two...while I was there busy preparing everything just so they could be comfortable in my own house."

Kagetora sighed. He was about to advice Kisa jumping off the stairs for a joke but stopped himself. As things were that time, it looked like Kisa would not think twice.

"He was all serious and sincere..." Kisa whispered, not sure if the sting in his eyes was brought by his hair whipped across his face, or something else or both. "He said I'd be the first to know..."

"Shouta," the other called on first name to make his point stronger. Gripping Kisa on both shoulders tight, he brought his face closer to the other. "Your lover-boy hasn't said a thing, has he? As long as it didn't come from his mouth, everything is just a gossip. A fucking rumor all of us are vulnerable to. You know that."

Kisa searched the clear and thoughtful eyes before him. The raven wanted to smile at the comforting words yet couldn't.

"You bastard...I would never want to defend that prick but that is the truth. He didn't say anything about getting married. This just exploded today," Kagetora pointed, his hold going tighter. "So don't look like you've been betrayed to death. Alright?"

The wind blew at them hard this time. The steel staircase made creaking sounds. Both could even feel the slight tremble as if they were on a hanging platform. Kagetora Hizaya watched the man before him with utter concern though. Kisa merely looked up the sky. Towards the fast passing of the clouds, thin and thick as if forming a cluster to a distance.

In an instant, Kagetora and Kisa sensed the scent of rain. The continues drop of the temperature. The uncomfortable chill it brought to their skins.

"Shouta...are you alright?"

The raven found it impossible not to grin. He grinned, had to shake his head and had to rest back to the stained cream painted brick wall.

"Yes...Maybe?" Kisa looked away. "No. I don't think so."

"..."

"I don't know what this is...but I feel like laughing all of a sudden."

"Oi, don't go turning insane on me," Kagetora frowned as he held his hair back with his hand. "I can stay here with you if you need someone to tie you on a post or something."

Kisa aimed his pale fist at the other man's upper chest. Hitting Kagetora jokingly, Kisa then exhaled loudly. The raven knew behind the little jesting and the sarcastic remarks, Kagetora was just trying to comfort him. He appreciated it very much. But comfort wasn't what he needed at that time.

"I don't want you cancelling appointments just because of my life dramas Hizaya."

"Are you really going to be okay on your own?" Kagetora asked, glancing at his wrist watch with a frown. "Damn, the coaster is already at the front of the building..."

The raven went behind Kagetora's back. Pushing the man from behind towards the door, the raven sounded playful as he commented on the hard muscles he could feel under his palms.

"Hurry up, hurry up!"

It could be felt in the air how forced the cheerful voice was. And so Kagetora surrendered and allowed Kisa push him out of the fire exit. Once fully out of the door, he glanced back. Giving Kisa a once over, just when the latter thought Kagetora was about to leave, the man went back and pulled the shorter figure in a hug.

Not too tight that it was suffocating. Not too lose that it was almost next to nothing.

"If anything happens, call me."

"..."

That was the time Kisa felt something heavy spreading towards his chest. Speaking had become so difficult. Even breathing had become hard.

"No matter how late, I'll come to you," the other added, patting Kisa on the back.

"..."

Kagetora only released Kisa when he felt a slight nod as a response. Slowly he stepped backwards. Hesitantly he turned around. His slow steps increased in pace. His loud footsteps as he jogged his way towards the hall and to the elevator slowly faded. And once gone, a striking silence came down on Kisa.

The raven stared at the empty hallway for a long while before looking up again. Rustic staircase, fast moving clouds like there was a river over his head.

"..."

His feet started moving. And the next thing he was doing, he was climbing the stairs towards the top.

* * *

Yukina could feel his irises dilate at the sight of the scattered photos on top of the glass table. In vivid colors, there was no denying in his facial expressions caught on cam that he still treasured the pregnant woman in the picture. Disregard them being sweethearts for forever, he wouldn't be able to turn his back to a pregnant woman at all.

Yet for once, he wasn't bothered at all by what Enamoto Kia's family was probably thinking at that time. His fans or even his own welfare. He had listened to that fragile voice last night. How much insecure it sounded into his ears as one raven just asked for a simple thing.

Transparency.

"Why did you leak this to the press?" Yukina whispered, picking a photo from the table as if he was picking a boulder instead. "You said you got this from someone? Why did you not tell me about this?"

The manager threw an angry look at Yukina. "Don't expect me to apologize here young man. You should have told me first where you were sneaking to. Then these stolen shots wouldn't have appeared in the first place!"

"But to use this as popularity ploy?"

"I just discussed you the sour road going on with our paths. I just did what I thought would be of advantage. That's my job."

Yukina Kou felt a seething annoyance from the depths of him. He couldn't go out of the building from the media stalking him endlessly. Hours ticked after hours and the bright skies had turned into a gloomy shade of grey and red from a distance.

The prince frowned. He didn't like the color at all.

A ring tone started mingling with the manager's secretive voice as she teased and played with all the callers she had. Busy behind her large table, she twirled the cord, answering questions which only teased the media's mind, making them itch for more. Yet right when they start bombarding her with questions, she'd drop the call and move on to the next. Such an efficient worker to be honest.

"...?"

Yukina was charging his phone that time and had forgotten everything about it from the many thoughts swirling inside his mind. He jumped off the couch and went to the side table where his phone was.

"..."

He felt being strangled as he read the message.

* * *

His fine eyebrows were meeting in a painful frown. Nodding off, he was almost already slipping off the wall where he was resting his back. Any minute Kisa Shouta would completely lie flat on his back, having weird dreams.

_Bzzd! Bzzd! Bzzd!_

"...?!"

The sharp sensation of his phone resting on his lap woke him up. Groggy, almost still out of everything, Kisa Shouta looked around. The sky had completely turned dark. The air completely taken over by the thick grey clouds threatening to fall down in a nasty downpour.

"Argh...my neck..." Kisa straightened his back as he lifted his phone in front of his face.

Five seconds later, he was a huffing mess. He sprung to his feet. Bolted to the door. And ran as fast as he could.

From the message it was all too obvious the panic and the anxiety it contained. Not to mention it came from a pregnant woman at this time of the night where she should be resting instead.

_"Kisa-san, the house s&amp;bein surrounded, Theyf keeeep on kncking nd callidng. I;m scared#."_

* * *

His knees, his joints, the soles of his feet were protesting. Even his lungs screaming for more of oxygen was calling for his attention. After running as fast as he could, not being able to get the taxi he rode up the hill anymore, the raven had to run his way towards the steep neighborhood.

"...?"

Kisa gulped as he wiped a trickle of sweat from the side of his face. From a five-hundred meter distance, behind a thick three, he stood. Peeking from his spot, he could clearly see the cluster of people in front of his house. Men with large cameras. Women tweeking their make ups to be ready for that one big scoop.

The circles of thick clouds above them were invisible to the media so it seemed.

There was no time for Kisa to be angry at the moment. He could not even let himself the luxury of nursing a confused and tattered heart.

Glancing from the swarm of people in front of his house, Kisa ran to the other side of the street.

_"This is just for emergency purposes okay?" _

The raven had said once during a hearty breakfast. Enamoto Kia that time was still asleep after having her morning sickness. Yukina Kou in his sleeping clothes, Kisa in his pajamas sat shoulder to shoulder before their table.

_"This square here is the front of the house,"_ Kisa seriously said as he pointed at his own doodles. He frowned at the low chuckle he heard the next._ "Forget about my drawing and work up your imagination. You're hurting my feelings here."_

Yukina Kou swallowed hard and forced his face into a serious one. Yet he still ended up giggling every now and then.

_"I'm being serious here you know?"_

_"Sorry, sorry."_

Kisa shook his head disapprovingly before going back to the piece of paper before them.

_"The other side is a house owned by a loud old man and it's hard dealing with him," _Kisa complained. _"But from his house to mine, a really narrow alley is present. It's not really visible from the tall grasses in between. We can pass through this if we ever needed to go inside the house without using the front."_

_"Uh-okay," _Yukina nodded as he pointed to another patch of unsteady square on the sheet. _"So this small space leads to the backyard? Then the door to the kitchen is here if I can remember."_

Kisa smiled. _"Right. Right."_

Neither Kisa Shouta nor Yukina Kou thought that they'd be really using this means as a way to get into the house.

"...?"

"...?"

Both males stopped on their tracks. They met at the alley that could only hold one person at a time. The sound of animals from a far added to their anxiety. And the occasional moonlight creeping out from the gaps of the thick clouds illuminated their dark way ahead.

"Kisa-san..." Yukina whispered, out of breath himself.

"Hi."

Without saying anything more, Kisa took the first move and started pushing through the grasses. It felt itchy on his arms. It was contrary to Yukina who had been wearing a dark-blue long sleeved polo that time.

"Kisa-san..." Yukina called hesitantly. He could look nowhere else aside the dark head before him. "The news..."

"Yeah...that is why we're both here acting like in an action film in the first place."

"..."

The raven almost tripped from a rock. It was a good thing he was able to grab on to the brick wall on his other side. He too was nervous. So much that he felt his heart was trying to leap out of his throat. However, acting was next to breathing for him. His voice sounded different from what the havoc he was having inside.

"I didn't know you had those moments."

"...?"

"You'd look good as a father, Yuki."

"Kisa-"

"Oh, there's the little opening," Kisa cut in, hurriedly slipping into the space leading to his own back yard.

Ducking low despite the gates to the front considerably high, Yukina this time walked ahead, pushing the kitchen door open. The man hasn't even walked three steps in and a woman fell in heaps into his arms.

"K-Kia?"

"Kou...I can't take this..." she sobbed pitifully. "...they knocked and knocked, pressed on the doorbell, called out my name, I can't-"

"Shush..." Yukina patiently calmed the woman who was alarmingly pale. A sheet of cold sweat lined Kia's face and her shoulders, thin and frail were trembling violently. "It's okay...it's okay..."

Kisa glanced at the two forms on the floor before glancing at the closed gates. It was a good thing those media people still had the sense to not break in. However, the stress and the anxiety they were causing a pregnant woman couldn't be disregarded.

The raven then went in and very slowly closed the door. The lights were turned off in an attempt of the woman to make it appear no one's home. He bent and reached out to the woman's shoulder. He had wanted to make his presence known for the woman seemed to have forgotten he was there.

"Enamoto-san, you have to relax. It's not good for the baby."

But Kia was already really in panic. She never released Yukina's arm and remained her face buried into the man's chest. Her small hiccups sounded pitiful.

Kisa sighed and straightened up. Watching the man he was stupid about grow in panic too, everything seemed so hilarious somehow.

"Kia, you have to calm down. I'm here now okay?" Yukina whispered, holding the woman's head gently. Even in the dim, Kisa could picture it out clearly as if he had some night visions. And it slowly, very surely was aiming straightly at his core. "Are you in pain? God you're so cold..."

Yes, it was hilarious, the raven thought.

_"Kisa-san, you almost tripped earlier, are your feet okay?" _Kisa thought to himself as he watched the touching pair of man and woman at the door step of his kitchen. _"The grasses were kinda sharp, you didn't cut yourself right?"_

Both Yukina and the woman were somehow oblivious to his presence.

"Yuki," Kisa started, swallowing hard to make his voice steady. "Bring her to the living room to pacify her a bit. I'll open the lights. It doesn't matter anyway, the people outside would never buy this house as empty."

The prince did not even nod. His priority was to make sure nothing could go wrong for Kia. Well it was understandable. The pregnant woman's condition was so delicate. She just got out from being sick and to be submitted to this kind of stress, Kisa could imagine the worry Yukina had.

"..."

Kisa watched Yukina carefully and gently carry in his arms the woman.

"They weren't here this morning..." was Kia's account in her feeble voice. "They started appearing around noon and they wouldn't stop since then..."

Following behind, Kisa gritted his teeth. He was worried for Kia, no doubt about that. But that very moment, Kisa was getting more worried of him suddenly crying in front of the two. Because that moment he couldn't think of anything to say as a reason why he would be crying at that time.

"Have you calmed down?" Yukina whispered in a voice Kisa had wished to hear against his ear. "See, it's not really that bad. They couldn't get in...okay?"

"Kou..." Kia mumbled in her still wavering voice. "I'm really starting to get uncomfortable..."

"Uncomfortable? What do you mean?"

"My tummy hurts..."

"You don't think you're in an early labor now, do you?" Yukina whispered back, drawing a few of the hairstrands adorning Kia's sweaty face.

"No...I just feel really uncomfortable..." she ended up in a sob. "Please...I don't want here. Those people are scary..."

Kisa glanced at the windows were the curtains were drawn. The bright lights from the media were so striking they were causing a slight nausea for Kisa. He slowly removed his gaze from the outside back to the man and woman on the sofa, huddled together so close, so natural.

Her straight long hair was now messy, yet it carried this sort of effect of just wanting to protect her even more. Kisa could see that too. And as the woman's dainty hands started searching for the prince's hand, Kisa held his breath.

This was a great opportunity. Nothing could be better than this.

"Kou...I need you please...don't leave me...I can't do this alone..."

Kisa hurriedly brought his gaze down. His heart was beating wildy as he anticipated for the reply. It was as though his life also depended on it.

"I..." Yukina's voice sounded like he was smiling. It made Kisa lift his gaze back to the two. Like he was a mere expectator of a fairytale coming closer to its grand ending. "What are you...I won't leave you on this."

It wasn't even a confession of their love for each other. But to a man on his own edge, to a man injured deeply with cuts invisible to the human eye, it was all the same.

This was the precise moment that Kisa had finally convinced himself of one thing. He didn't have the right to fall in love with Yukina. And Yukina, if push comes to shove, would end up choosing Kia.

It was because in the end, the man has to protect the woman. The Prince always rescues the Princess. Had Kisa ever seen a story where the prince left the princess for a side-character?

No.

It opened his eyes. It took him such a long time since he rejected the thought himself. But now that he could see it clearly, it dawned and glared at him.

Wishing for Yukina Kou to be his was as futile as hoping for snow in summer.

_"Enamoto-san? May we speak with you a bit?"_

The silence they were enjoying had been cut short briefly. The knocking came back, the doorbell started ringing and the buzz of the people outside started taking over the usual quiet neighborhood. Kisa was sure he'd receive a lot of scolding from the neighbors.

"..."

Kia pitifully bit into her arm. She wanted to scream at the sounds from the outside.

Yukina and Kisa were both aware that this already was a harrassment. They could both charge right in front and wage war with the media people. If only they had no pregnant woman and an image to worry about.

"Don't do that..." Yukina gently scolded, taking the woman's arm into his hand and instead patting her continuously on the shoulders. "But we gotta get you out of here-"

"Yukina."

The prince flinched. He looked like he really had forgotten about Kisa entirely from his extreme worry of Kia's condition. The voice called to his senses so strongly even when it was done in such a low manner.

In his mind, he could always discuss the matters to Kisa. But there would be no discussion if something happened to Kia or the baby. The priorities had already been weighed. At least for the call of the circumstances. But Kisa's voice, bothered him greatly somehow.

"Kisa-san..."

"Help Enamoto-san dress up properly. Take her important things into a bag."

"Huh?"

"We'll get her out of here. She needs to be checked by a doctor."

Yukina stood, the woman's hand wouldn't let go of his. The prince then knelt before the woman, smiling comfortingly.

"Kia...can you go get changed? Bring your important things in a bag. I'll check on how we can get out of here. Can you do that on your own?"

The woman stared at the prince for a long while. After a few minutes, she hesitantly stood and weakly made her way towards the bedroom she was using as hers.

* * *

Once alone in the living room, Yukina glanced at the small back of the man standing at the side of the window. He couldn't explain suddenly this utter guilt plaguing him. Surely, the act of affection earlier didn't go unnoticed.

"Uhm...Kisa-san...look..."

Kisa abruptly turned around. The raven looked at him in a manner Yukina couldn't really interpret. It was close to looking at a doll's eyes. Shimmering, drawing, yet endless depth of lifelessness.

"I've come up with an idea to get her out of here," Kisa said as he stared blankly at Yukina.

"Huh? How? We might start drawing attention now."

The raven walked past Yukina. He went straight to the small drawer at the corner of the room where the phone was. He pulled on the last section. And from that point in time, Yukina was in utter loss for words.

* * *

"...?"

If at any other point in time, Yukina Kou would have laughed. At how Kisa Shouta had stuffed a small throw-pillow under his sweaty shirt. At how Kisa rummaged into the pile of clean clothes folded on top of the center table and put on this jacket. At how the raven had grabbed one of the floral shawls that Kia started using when Autumn kicked in.

Really, Yukina would have laughed really hard. When Kisa went to the side drawer and pulled something silky and flowing; an object he had not seen for a long time already. When the raven put it on his head like it was an extension of his very being. When the fake hair strands started adorning Kisa's small face, it looked so good that Yukina would have really found it funny.

But that time, the prince couldn't laugh.

"Hurry, I'll draw the media's attention," Kisa instructed as he made sure his hair was tucked in nicely. "You two use the same place where we came from."

"Kisa-san, this-"

"I'm alright. I'm used to this," Kisa mumbled, as if bragging while flipping his bangs sideways. Yet the sudden smile he pulled melted in an instant too. A quiet, serene expression replaced that. "I'm always good at this."

Walking effortlessly towards Yukina, Kisa again flashed a small smile. The raven brushed the man's hair backwards, revealing the entire face he so loved clearly.

"Really...doing this in a girl's form is so much easier."

"..."

To Yukina's surprise, the raven stood on tiptoe, the prince couldn't react. Yukina thought Kisa would kiss him. It appeared to be the case. Yet what Kisa all did was to get close to the man's ear.

"Forget all the stupid things I said."

"...?"

"Let's go back to the beginning?"

"Kisa-"

"I am Enamoto-san's stand-in. That's how it's been and I was probably knocked in the head to hope for more."

"What are-"

Kisa placed his hand over the prince's mouth, silencing him. "This is the last of my performance with you."

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

Okay...so it took me forever to update. I'm sorry! please share your thoughts!

haha...right now...I am having my own anxiety issues because of personal matters that could change my life drastically or can make me wallow in depression for long. either way...i gotta do what i've started. wish me luck people!

~shuusetsu


	17. Chapter 17

**Star Without Glow 17**

* * *

He watched him. The explosion of the media lights from the window was sudden. It highlighted the raven's outline as if he was glowing. And strange enough, even when Yukina felt a hand tug at his shirt, his eyes couldn't leave Kisa.

"...?"

The raven shortly swiped and frowned at his phone. And as soon as he was done with his business, he tucked it away in the pocket of his jeans. Sighing and smiling on his own.

"Kou...I'm ready," Kia murmured. Her movements were slow and silent that her coming back hadn't been noticed by Yukina. Eventually, she found it odd that the tall man didn't move as if he heard nothing. So she lifted her gaze and followed the man's. "...?"

Kisa merely gave an embarrassed shrug towards Kia, his long hair falling gracefully down his chest. The red jacket, the jet black hair, all were good colors against Kisa's pale skin. For a few moments, Kia was breathless herself.

But as soon as being mesmerized came, another pushed in.

The look on Kia's face was a mix of confusion, surprise and then despair. In a few seconds she looked at Kisa, she somehow knew what the plan was. Genuinely, Kia wanted to cry.

"Kisa-san...can't we just go...all of us? Together?" the pregnant woman asked, unconciously lacing her fingers with Yukina's. "Why must you..."

The raven by the window slightly glanced at the mayhem happening just outside the window. Yet truthfully, he just wanted to avert his gaze from seeing those hands entangled with each other.

"Is it because I'm slow?" Kia continued. "I couldn't run fast the way I am? I'll try my best to-"

Kisa Shouta brushed his fingers through his hair. His smile encouraging. His posture graceful as he did so. In all his small bodily actions, it was clear he didn't intend on backing out. He didn't even make an effort to going closer to the two. He just stood, remained and stayed where he was.

"Don't I look convincing?" Kisa started, his smile growing broader. "Good isn't it?"

Kisa that time was already in his zone. He forced it out of him, convinced now that if he was a prince or a king of anything, it'd be no other than pretending. He looked flawless. He looked real in his game.

The woman could sense that something was off though. Kisa was friendly. Kisa was still the warm friend she had earned. Yet she felt a strong line. A barrier. And she couldn't name it. All she could do that time was nod her head. And as she did so, for the many problems she had caused, for the many matters she couldn't understand, unknowingly, she began to cry.

Tear after tear went down her cheeks. Tear after tear, they dropped to the floor.

"You're...beautiful Kisa-san," Kia managed to mumble, laughing despite of herself. "You really are."

And she meant that not as a joke. Not in the context of looking female, or being masculine. For some reason, the fact that Kisa was just standing there, there was no other word to describe it.

Kisa lowered his gaze for a moment, his lips slightly curled up. The smile that would have looked sweet, oddly registered as sad. All because half of his face had been hidden by the fringes resting on his skin.

Slowly bringing his gaze up, he glanced at Yukina briefly before completely turning around.

"I wonder about that," the raven replied with a little laughter while stealing a final glance at the silent prince. "But I really do feel invincible when I do things for people important."

Gracefully turning back towards the window, his back towards the two, Kisa raised a hand as if a single waive of goodbye. "Go now."

Yukina's stance was rigid. Little did he know that he was starting to grip Kia's hand tighter. Eyes so intense were locked at the raven's small back, as if he was having an internal debate.

After a few more minutes, Yukina produced a sigh. "We'll take our leave then..." said the prince in a hoarse voice.

Even when the sound of footsteps was starting to fade, even when hearing the prince's hushed voice as he gave instructions, Kisa remained looking outside.

Kisa never looked back.

Pulling the woman with him, Yukina swallowed hard. After what seemed like an endless walk, the pair finally reached the door in the kitchen leading to the backyard. It was an area he could no longer even find the glimpse of Kisa's shadow.

Slowly, cautiously, Yukina pushed the door open. He secured the bag over his shoulder and gripped Kia's hand in his.

The pair walked out. And behind them, Yukina closed the door.

"..."

Turning away. Leaving. The prince couldn't remember these to be this much difficult.

And what seemed like endless silence after Kisa'd been left alone rang in his ears. Hesitant, the raven finally glanced behind him.

"..."

It was stupid of him to even try. Pathetic to even have the slightest, tiniest, stupidest thought that there'd be someone standing there waiting for him.

His large, tired eyes landed to the somehow dim hallway.

There was nothing.

"..."

There was nothing left to do but run his fingers through his long hair. There was nothing left to pull on but a confident smile.

What tears about to fall down, he held them back.

He wasn't very popular to begin with in the industry. That he knew so very well. Yet never once he complained and instead took pride of all his roles.

But just this once, he clearly felt it.

Being the replacement sucks.

It was so strong as if he slammed against a wall head first.

"..."

A sore loser. That was how he was.

"No crying..." he hissed. He could be the loser and all, but he refused to act like one.

"Shouta..." Kisa whispered. "...Time to shine..."

And the sky which had been holding back since the afternoon, did the weeping for him.

* * *

Heads down, like fugitives, both half-ran and half-walked. Yukina Kou held Kia's hand tightly. Actually, tighter than he had to. His mind was racing. And so was the annoying, nagging beating deep inside him. He was so frustrated about something.

And that something, was surprisingly everything: the drizzle that suddenly was drenching him and the pregnant woman, the suffocating closeness of the walls on both their sides, the grasses, the sound of a television in full volume blasting about some silhouette of a woman who appeared in the dimness and jumped over the neighbor's fence.

"..."

Just listening to the eager high pitched voice of that woman narrating what was happening just a few yards from where they were, was starting to rub on him wrongly.

"K-Kou...my hand..."

"Huh?"

The man glanced behind him, brows creased. Only when he noticed the pained expression of the woman did he realize the force he was using to drag and hold her hand. He ended up slowing down, a few feet away from the end of that alley.

"Sorry. Let's take a little break. Are you okay?"

Huffing, Kia ran a hand on the side of her face, smiling faintly. "Yeah...just...out of breath."

Yukina Kou started fumbling into the bag he was carrying. After shuffling and sorting, he pulled a jacket with a hoodie and put it on Kia silently. The woman watched the man's movements closely. How he made sure that she wouldn't get drenched more than she already was. How Yukina tugged on the hoodie to properly rest on her head. How he tried to tie the lace of the jacket under her chin. How he looked over the multiple layered clothes Kia was wearing before he seemed satisfied. How the prince, still looked oddly out of focus after all that.

"Kou..." Kia started. "You're shaking."

The prince, half-drenched by now, blinked in confusion. "H-Huh?"

"You're shaking," she repeated softly as her breathing started becoming even. "Why?"

Stepping away, the prince spied at the end of the alley. Turning his head left and right, with only a deserted street greeting him, he glanced back at the waiting woman.

"Running this much, under the rain is dangerous for you."

Kia pursed her lips as she started taking her own steps towards where Yukina was. Her feet softly sank a few centimeters from the grass and the dirt drenched by the sudden rain. She pinned her gaze at the tall man's back when he looked back outside. Yukina had just brushed the question off. It was nagging at her already messed up head. Yet before she could open her mouth, Yukina had grabbed her hand again, gently pulling her along with him.

"Act natural," Yukina mumbled with a slight edge on his voice as soon as they stepped onto the open streets. "Though we already look very suspicious the way we are..."

The woman glanced on either sides of them. Rows of glistening trees on her right. Houses on her left. And a sad, depressing night sky above them. It was quite hard to imagine the mayhem that they left behind. To think that the sickening media fiasco was just on the other side of the block where Kisa's home was.

"There were some media vans here before..." Yukina mumbled hoarsely. "But now they're all gone."

Enamoto Kia dragged her feet as she glanced a little behind them. Growing farther away from the bushes they came from, getting more and more distance from the bright side of that neighborhood block. She too heard that narration when they were still in the alley. She could hear it clearly. Vividly. As if she was watching it.

_"There's someone there! Enamoto-san? -Oh my God, did she just jump over to the neighbor's!? She's pregnant right?!"_

The reason they were on a clear path was because it seemed like the world had been fooled. Fooled by some person both she and Yukina knew very well.

"We have to get fast to the bus or the taxi stop fast," Yukina out of the blue commented. He secured the strap of the bag back on his shoulder as he did so. And looking at Kia, he added, "Walk fast but carefully okay? I'll be assisting you."

Kia nodded. She felt something cold against the tip of her nose. When both looked up, the rain had become steady and stronger, producing a hushed melody against the pavements.

Hand in hand, the two continued their untimely trek down the steep hill of the neighborhood. As the two continued on with their steps, they felt themselves stiffen. The road beside them had been lit not just by the lamp posts but also by the obvious head-lights of a car.

Unconsciously, Yukina and Kia slowed down, both looking straight ahead. They ignored the brightening road and the focus of the head-lights which appeared like following them.

They remained walking. Silently. Tensely. Until the side window of a yellow car rolled down beside them.

"Excuse me."

Yukina just continued walking, dragging Kia along behind him.

"Excuse me Sir! Are you by any chance, Kisa-san's friends?"

"...?"

At the mention of the name, Yukina automatically directed his gaze towards the voice. It came from a man with a kind smile. A man from inside a yellow cabby.

"..."

Yukina felt his tongue had been tied and he only managed to nod.

"Our operator got a request from him a few minutes ago; To pick up his friends around this area because of the rain. I am the nearest to the vicinity so I came to pick you up."

Obviously, despite Kia wrapped under layers of clothes, her figure would still be prominent. Despite the darkness, and despite Yukina Kou being soaked from the rain, there would be no mistaking that the two were the phenomenal couple causing astronomical reactions from the mass people and the media. It was odd that the cabby was acting normal.

"Don't worry. Kisa-san used to call us a lot for Kagetora-san before. We're used to him bagging surprises for us. And my lips are sealed," the cabby announced as he nodded to Kia. "Please get in. I'll drop you guys anywhere you want."

Robotically, Yukina pulled the door open for Kia. He followed numbly.

Protected against the rain and the risk of being seen again, all that was left was a strange silence that was ringing inside the prince's ears. The cabby kept on talking eagerly. Kia nodded in response as she tried to dry her hair.

But Yukina couldn't keep up.

When the prince darted his eyes outside, he saw the droplets of rain slide off the window glass. Smoothly. Silently. The passing scenery outside was nothing but a blurr.

"So that was why he was seriously swiping at his phone earlier..." Yukina mumbled more to himself. He could still see in his mind the Kisa who transformed right in front of his sight. "So that's why..."

"Kisa-san...always saves us, doesn't he?" Kia said in response. It made Yukina glance at her direction.

"Huh?"

"He always rescues us," she mumbled, her voice full of respect and gratefulness. "Even when we're not really related to each other, he...always thinks about us."

Yukina pursed his lips as he brought his eyes back at the window. The droplets fastly running down the window as the speed and the wind took their toll.

The more he stared at the rain, the more strange he was becoming. As if each drop was carrying something inside, it would glide down and burst in front of Yukina to see.

Images of him when Kia was still in the country-side asking for help. That time when the baby's father ran away and left the woman in the air alone, Yukina was so confused and hurt and didn't know what to do. Whether to help her or not. Whether to do it or not. He hated and loved her at the same time that he couldn't act. He felt cornered. He felt alone.

_"Then do it...I'll help you..."_ came from a whisper so sincere that it made him take the risk.

He saw himself bursting all his frustrations about Kia. To a stranger he spilled his weakness. A stranger who would normally take advantage of that, yet the stranger cried for him instead. Kisa cried for him. Kisa shouldered half the burden. How that raven, as simple and maybe a no-name he may have been, no doubt was his stronghold all this time. Strange, that as the car was speeding away, the lump in his throat was starting to tighten. It was starting to suffocate him.

"Kou?"

"..."

"Kou? Are you okay?"

"...?"

"You're shaking again. Are you not feeling well?" the woman asked softly, her brows meeting in a concerned frown.

Yukina swallowed. The lump remained.

_"This is the last of my performance with you..."_

The prince felt very fine. No ailment. No pain. Yet he himself was confused as to why his hands wouldn't stop shaking. Why his body kept on trembling.

"I'm fine," he managed to reply.

His mind though was at the words the raven whispered so softly against his ear. His brain couldn't process those words. It jumbled and crossed not making any sense. But the searing burning inside him was spreading, growing. As if that center, the core in his chest already understood.

"I'm okay..." he assured Kia. Yet he had to hastily turn his face away.

The prince felt something cold slide down the side of his face he had to hide.

"...?"

It wasn't even raining inside the cab.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

Thank you very much for your time and your always kind words and heartwarming thoughts about this story. Though I'd like to update asap, I won't this week. I won't be updating anything! Hahaha, because it's my birthday this week. I am taking a breather, away from my over exertive head that keeps on working even when I am sleeping! Seriously if you could see my dreams, it's an all-out production that surprises me even!

~~ My wish for my birthday? *That my wish be granted* LoL.

~~~~shuusetsu


	18. Chapter 18

**A Wrong Light**

* * *

It was quiet. From the mayhem of the media, to the running he did and feining and pretending to be someone else, it sure felt weird that now, he only could hear the low whisperings of the wind.

"..."

He was so occupied and the only thing in his mind earlier was to draw attention to himself and make sure Yukina Kou and Enamoto Kia could get into the taxi cab he called. He had used himself, actually offered himself as a decoy and had ran like hell while being chased.

It was so funny. So funny he couldn't laugh.

He thought of how much breath and sweat and tears he had shed for this entire charade, and he came to a conclusion.

He was beyond ridiculous. The him who only played and had flings for fun...really had morphed into an idiot. It was sad, painful and regretful. He who never loved for real, ended this damn devastated instead after he really genuinely did.

_"Pathetic...after all the things you did for him, they were never enough?"_

When he looked up, he was already in an unfamiliar neighborhood. The cold breeze licked his skin and the silence of the midnight screamed at his ears. His shadows through the walls and houses and trees looked gloomy. Like a lost soul in a labyrinth he kept on his pace. Directionless, almost meaningless.

"They probably got away as what I had planned right?" he breathed out, seeing a trash bin along side a flickering lamp post. He stopped right in front of it and stared at the one-eyed bear sitting on top of it. "The last performance is a success...isn't it?"

The more he looked at the lone, dirty teddy-bear which was drenched too from the rain earlier, the more he felt that breathing was becoming difficult. For sure, that broken stuffed toy had enjoyed a lot of cuddles, and hugs too. It might have also felt security in the arms of whoever owned it once.

"..."

But there it was, together with the garbage.

"Cold?" Kisa asked, though obviously he knew the teddy won't answer back. "I've got my best performance today you know?"

The teddy stared back with only his left eye present. The other must have fell off and the owner found it too much of a trouble to sew it back and threw it away. However, in the eyes of Kisa, he was already seeing the bear having two eyes. His vision has doubled, tripled and had become a mess now. Tears pooled in his eyes.

"Best performance," Kisa repeated. "But no one's watching..."

Kisa Shouta tugged at the small lump under his jacket, pulling the small cushion out. It had little red and green stripes that matched the thrown-away teddy-bear's ribbon around its neck. Slowly, he moved closer at the bin and tucked the small cushion beside the teddy. And then he continued on.

"..."

He made a lot of turns, a lot of lefts and rights. And seeing another trash bin this time near an open parking area, he once more stopped. He had shed every bit of the reminder of how low he had become. From the cushion, to the shawl, and now the last.

Bowing his head, his vision darkened. The silky hair that used to be his way of being accepted and escape touched the sides of his face. Their soft texture against his cheeks really made him feel that it was a part of him.

"..."

There were times that he knew Yukina would brush those long strands with his fingertips when Kisa was half-asleep before. After all, they started the stupid, painful relationship as him being a substitute for a woman. A woman with long black hair at that. Yukina must have some perverse fetish, Kisa tried to joke to himself. But failed to even smile or chuckle at that.

"..."

He grabbed the side of his hair and pulled hard downwards. And the start of his pain slid off his head right after. The wig dangled within his hand. The tips of the hair touching the wet ground.

Kisa continued standing there, as if confused. His hand was shaking, his lips trembling. Now that he had removed that wig, he felt light in the head. Yet heavy in the chest. He was gonna throw away that last symbol, last bond, last proof of his role in Yukina's life.

Kisa knew he had to do it. He had decided to end it all after all. He was a person of himself and he'd acted too much of an idiot and got himself hurt for a number of times he couldn't count anymore. The best course was to throw and leave everything behind.

"..."

He grabbed the cold grey tin lid and dropped the wig into the bin. It fell in the dark empty bottom of it and in the shadows within, the strands have blended with the dark. He carefully placed the lid back. And a soft sob escaped his lips.

He was throwing the start of everything painful in his life for the past months yet...it felt as though he just thrown his own heart inside the bin instead.

"You're going to be okay..." Kisa mumbled. _"You were fine before he came to your life...it's okay."_

* * *

Smoking his brains out while waiting for the drizzle to stop, he made himself comfortable under the shelter the Oak tree provided. A red and black helmet tucked under his arm. The pins-and-needle-like drops of rain from the skies met the ground and they made everything around him glitter in the darkness.

"..."

He narrowed his eyes towards the city just below the hill. The city looked so small from where he was, an illusion that was as a liar as himself.

"..."

When he noticed his cigarette was already dying, he dropped it down the wet and grassy ground and stepped on it, crushing it, stomping on it as if he was suddenly angry with something.

And just as he was getting lost to the anger in the pits of his stomach, his phone within his leather jacket vibrated. The breast pocket tingled against his skin that he was momentarily shocked by it.

"Who the hell..." he hissed.

The green eyes narrowed. In the darkness they glowed differently and the annoyance and anger vanished in a flick of a finger. He replied, and the other replied just as fast. A series of messages and at the end, he ended up laughing aloud. As if a whole new personality emerged from his almost perfect physical form and a shade of something malicious glinted in his smile, he darted his gaze to the dark pathway he came from.

"..."

Slowly in the dim, he could see a silhouette taking form. The slight drizzle, the moon getting revealed by a cloud that glided away showed a fragile, nevertheless beautiful figure.

He sucked in his breath, unable to suppress a grin. _"He really has no idea what effect he's got on others..."_

* * *

An impending headache, he could feel it coming. The glare of the lights above his head didn't use to affect him this much. But right now, he could only swallow the restlessness it brought him. Pacing back and forth wasn't helping him the least bit. His jeans, soaked from the ends to the knees had blotches of mud, his pristine white polo clung to his skin from the drizzle mixed in with his sweat.

The hallway, a familiar space that had been a witness to many goodbyes and heartaches felt extra colder this night. The sound of his footsteps created a rhythmic echo throughout the place, and each vibration stung him somewhere within. It didn't help too that the number he'd been calling since they were in the cab had not answered at all. He could only hear the phone to be ringing. But Kisa wasn't picking it up.

_"This is the last of my performance with you..."_

That image of Kisa, in the same form as the very first time he got to meet the raven didn't sit well in his stomach. He had loved that form as it exactly reminded him of the woman he adored and cherished. It was his escape. Kisa had been his escape. But seeing it again after such a considerable time gave him a different impression. For some reason, it felt wrong now.

_"How can I explain things if you won't pick up?" _Yukina gritted. _"Kisa-san...pick up..."_

_"_I guess the rumor is true then, " a lady guard mumbled as she was doing her rounds down the VIP area of the hospital. She caught Yukina Kou walking back and forth outside a particular room. She had been briefed that a 'couple' would be coming. She wasn't expecting it to be Yukina Kou and the 'woman-who-cheated' as what everyone in the net has named Enamoto Kia. But there she was seeing the Prince loved by the many get restless over a woman who got pregnant by cheating on him. How devoted.

"To be this worried, he must be really into her huh?"

"Goddamn it!"

"...?!"

The lady-guard was caught-off guard. To hear _the _Yukina Kou curse in such a heated manner had never even crossed her mind. The man always appeared to be the calm, in-control type of human after all, on and off the cam.

"Excuse me..." she hesitantly called, walking a little bit closer to the man who at a closer look appeared to be about to explode about something. "What's wrong Sir?"

Yukina Kou raised his gaze, almost immediately he tried to fix himself and gave the other a neutral yet forceful smile. "Uh...my phone's ran out of battery. Where's the closest phone-booth from here?"

From the time the woman was giving Yukina Kou the direction, till she watched the man walk hurriedly away from her, she felt a sudden urgency that even made her uneasy as well.

"..."

The man had walked faster. Almost skipping a few steps of the stairs just to shorten the distance he had to cover. The grip he had on his dead phone was tight, his hand was hurting.

A huge window at the half of the stairs caught Yukina's attention. The windowpane looked like a perspiring glass of cold water as the drizzle started taking pace. In the darkness of the outside and the brightness of the stairs created a mirror-like effect which struck Yukina too much.

His reflection was there. And he looked miserable.

"...?"

He had always been confident that he could just talk or call the raven to explain things. Tell Kisa that he hadn't broken his promise or even say that no one's marrying anyone.

However, now that he could not reach Kisa at all, inside him came a boiling and searing sensation he had no idea what to do with. It was so strong that even his worry for Enamoto Kia being checked by a doctor at the moment, his worry for the baby or his concern for his popularity or name had been completely taken over.

"..."

As he looked at his lone reflection in the windowpane, his messy hair, his chest rising from breathing hard, the sweat that was forming on his forehead, he swallowed. At the back of his head he saw Kisa Shouta slowly walking away, vanishing.

Beyond his eyes could see.

Beyond his hands could reach.

And it struck him. He knew then what he was feeling.

Fear.

* * *

The moment they stood face to face with each other, Cross merely raised a brow.

"What brought you here? You stalking me now?"

"You wish," Kisa glanced towards the sparkling city which he belonged yet so distant from. Being on top of a hill really had a different feel to it. "Now I know why a cemetery can be very appealing."

"Heh...that red eyes, you broke up with your 'Yuki'?"

"How did you know about him?" Kisa stared back at the taller man.

"Huh? You've got amnesia or what? You wouldn't stop howling 'Yuki' the last time we were here," Cross answered nonchalantly, even blatantly using 'Yuki' although he totally knew who it was that was making the raven beside him look so miserable and vulnerable at the same time. "It wouldn't even take an idiot a minute to know what's going on."

"I wasn't howling. " Kisa looked away, embarrassed somehow. "We...we were never 'us'. How can we break-up?"

"Ouch. The words of a heart-broken soul now huh?"

Kisa never once answered again and he just stood there like a crumbling statue. And for once, Cross wiped his sarcastic grin off his face.

"Why didn't you go to someone else, why here? Are you purposely seeking for me now?" Cross asked as he massaged the back of his neck. "Coz you know crying in front of me is a bad case. A tearful face is a fucking major turn on for me. I'm no saint."

"I don't need comforting and sweet words anyway."

"Heh, damn when I see someone trying to fight back their tears...I get rock hard, want to see it?"

Kisa frowned. "Keep it in your pants."

Cross smiled, completely in a good mood now. He really had such awesome facial features. Too bad his mouth was a stinking dump of filthy words.

In their silence came the soft sound of drizzle getting a tad heavier this time. The storm that was announced earlier in the day was moving so slowly, inch by inch moving in dragging along its depressing and gloomy effects.

As the coldness was getting intense, Autumn chill mixed in with a drawing storm, the slight fogs of their breaths started appearing. Cross slightly stepped to the side not uttering a word. And Kisa took the space that was made even though he hadn't been invited to.

"I slaved myself for him. Gave up a lot. Gave way for him..." Kisa whispered after a while, staring down at the wet ground. "It's stupid, isn't it?"

"Stupid? No, of course not_ just _that," Cross replied. "I haven't known you for long but how to say it, I can sense it. You're a moron. A complete, no-saving, brainless daft. A loser if I may say."

"..."

"You know it's going to be painful and miserable anyway yet you chose to see through it. There you go. End of the drama story. Bow."

Kisa brought his gaze up, almost bewildered at the other guy.

"You don't expect me to cry and sniff with you, do you? Coz I ain't doing that in hell."

The raven looked away, somehow and weirdly enough, still calm. "No."

"Hmft," Cross yawned, brushing his hair messily. "You're an unknown actor with a pathetic love story. You're practically in a stalemate. What a laugh."

"Anything else?" Kisa mumbled.

"You're a masochist."

"You have more?"

"You're...getting on my nerves now."

Kisa slightly laughed. "Because I already imagined you'd say those things."

Cross moved his helmet from his right side to the left from getting numb with it. At the same time, his sharp eyes were scrutinizing Kisa who was standing at his right side.

"Trying to cut ties..." the voice that came out from Kisa's lips was so small it was barely there. Shaking, clearly hurt, just plain torn. "...I've never felt this my entire life...he's...he's the first..."

Sighing so indifferently, Cross unceremoniously placed his helmet down onto Kisa's head. He never even warned Kisa. He slightly bent, staring on eye level with the raven before knocking at the helmet now on Kisa's head with the back of his fore finger.

"Told you tears turn me on. If you don't want me to fuck you where you stand, wear that."

"...?"

"Anyway it hurts because admit it or not, you had a lot of expectations," Cross then stood back straightly, resting his weight against the tree. "That's why getting serious is such a pain."

"..." Kisa merely stared at the man's profile, wondering if some ghost suddenly possessed the other without him noticing.

"What?" Cross turned to look back at Kisa with a serious expression it was almost unbelievable. "I know I like fucking around and it's true I get a boner from seeing someone cry. But I feel like giving your stupid genuine pain a sincere tribute."

Cross lifted a hand, reached out slowly to Kisa. Even Kisa wondered what Cross was about to do. But the latter merely pointed at Kisa's chest, obviously right at the heart. "Condolences to that."

The raven pursed his lips. He had wanted to say something but Cross had turned the other side of the tree almost as if he was being dismissed. For a long while, in a deafening silence and the rising chill, they just stood in there, mingling within the dark.

Kisa was even already lost in his thoughts when he again felt someone knocking at the surface of the helmet he was wearing.

"Let's go."

"...huh?"

"Don't you see, the rain's getting harder at the distance. It's coming closer."

Kisa looked towards the glittery horizon. All he saw at the far end was a sort of a foggy, dark veil.

"Tsk."

With no warning, the man grabbed Kisa's wrist and pulled the other along. Out of the shelter of the Oak tree, towards the cemented pathway, down to the area where a motorbike as slick and graceful as its owner was waiting.

Cross then hopped on to the motorbike like some regal equestrian on his stud and looked at the still spacing out Kisa.

"What ya waiting for? Hop on."

Kisa looked at the narrow green eyes and the slightly fluttering red hair. "But how about you? Any extra helmet?"

"Who cares about me?" he then wore his only protection to the wind. A dark biker glasses. "Hop on now."

Kisa did as what he was told.

"Ha, it's been a while since someone other than me is going to ride this baby," Cross said loudly, excitement obvious. "Hold on tight!"

"Where are we going?"

The man leaned forward, as if getting ready for something big. "We'll outrun the rain."

"Huh-outrun the-"

The man in front twisted a bit facing Kisa. With a half-grin, Cross grabbed both Kisa's arms and guided the slender arms around his own waist.

"Hold tight. Many had dreamed of doing this but tonight, you're the blessed fool."

"Ha?" Kisa tried to jerk away, Cross continued gripping his arms tight though. "Blessed fool, what are you talking about?"

"I'll lend you my back."

And suddenly hearing the roar to life of the bike they were on, Kisa had no choice but to cling to the other's waist. The back he was against to was indeed broad. It somehow reminded him of the times that just looking at certain someone's back could make him feel at ease. Even now, he misses that back.

It dawned to Kisa that he may probably never be able to hold and touch that prince's broad back ever again.

His story with him has ended, without even having the chance to start it.

"Comfy?" Cross called, breaking Kisa's thoughts.

The raven closed his eyes, unable to supress a smile in his tear-stricken face. "You're surprisingly a good guy, huh."

Almost immediately, the man with red hair and a disgusted expression turned to look at Kisa. "Ha? Wanna make me puke all over the place?"

"Just, you just stood beside me for almost an hour, while I pathetically sobbed inside this helmet. You even talked a lot although half of them was about belittling me. You didn't even mention for once the AV job you were so into forcing to me. Yet you just stayed with me...I thought you were impatient."

"I didn't stay with you. I was there first."

"Still."

Cross shrugged and started pulling on his biker's gloves. "Haha. Right, right. Whoever said they're for free anyway?" he laughed dryly.

"Why are you pretending to be the bad guy?" Kisa mumbled, feeling the motorbike finally moving and leaving in a shocking speed he had no time to prepare himself.

"You're seriously an idiot!" Cross shouted, the wind blasting in their ears. "I am pretending to be the 'good guy' today. Makes a whole lot of difference."

Almost like they were the storm themselves, the harsh wind blowing against them, the rain that was trying to catch up to them and the fastly changing scenery around them, they even went to a faster speed that Kisa knew was beyond the limit.

To Kisa, he wasn't even worried. Perhaps before, he would be. He even knew being with this man before him could not be good. But he didn't care anyway.

When it's too dark, no matter what kind of light would be a saving grace.

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

hi there people! it took me quite a while to update this ne? but finally i did and i hope to be able to update more regularly this time! thank you for your time and the patience and support you've been giving this fanfic! please share your thoughts!

~~~shuusetsu/5huu53t5u


	19. Chapter 19

**Parallels **

* * *

They looked like coursing daggers. Glinting, icy, strong. The storm has landed hitting hard against the window pane. Weary eyes couldn't almost see what had been outside of that parking lot. Despite him being inside the shelter of the building, the rumble and grumble of the skies resounded and vibrated straight to his chest. He could feel the fierceness as though he was outside.

_"The number you have dialed is currently unavailable...please try later..."_

Yukina Kou could not remember how many times he'd heard that. Neither was the length of time he was standing before the phone booth. His wet clothes and everything had dried on its own by now.

_"The number you have diale-"_

"Kuso..."

He slammed the phone back to its receiver. He did with such force he could break it. Gritting his teeth, he tried to calm himself down. Yet he couldn't.

"...?"

If he'd not known better, he would strongly believe someone was choking him, pressing tightly around his throat. But there was no one. It was only him in that lonely hallway. It was only him pouring such enormous amount of fury to the palm of his hands his fingers were digging in his own flesh. It was hard to breathe. Hard to even stand straight.

"...?"

He bowed his head. As though he was hiding from someone. Yet the truth was he was hiding from himself. The reflection of the man before him through the window pane looked frightening. It was a face he'd never seen on himself before. He looked frighteningly, miserably not him.

Where was this inexplicable want to shout coming from? This feeling of being cornered? This frustration?

"..."

Dragging his long legs back to Kia's room, it felt forever to reach it. All he wanted to do was close his eyes even briefly just so he could get away from the tiresome feeling weighing him down.

Too bright was the hallways, and too quiet it had been when he left. Eyes fixed on the tiled floor, he could sense something was different. He lifted his tired eyes and he felt a small surge of anger flourishing inside him.

"...?"

Why now? Why them?

It had been too long for these people to come out, so why now when it would just cause more misunderstanding? Why now when people would surely interpret it all the ways they would find it amusing?

"..."

There in the hallway, Enamoto Kia's parents were waiting. Standing imposingly, strictly, as though they were in a business hotel than in a hospital.

"Yukina-kun, we haven't been in contact for a while."

It was Enamoto Youjiro who spoke. Although he spoke amiably, Yukina couldn't really appreciate the sudden visit.

As a businessman, successful at that, the middle-aged man had probably noticed the animosity that Yukina Kou was projecting. The man briefly looked at the closed door where his pregnant daughter was and sighed, although it was the kind way far from being a sigh out of concern.

"I'm cutting the chase Yukina-kun. We'd like to talk to you about Kia."

Just in the manner they were looking at him, the tired prince knew it was going to be an extremely long night. Just when all he wanted in the world was get in contact with Kisa, things just wouldn't let him have his way. One matter over another. They keep on piling up.

* * *

It was as though an angry god threw an ocean of red paint in the sky. It was a bloody orange extending from above down to the hot and endless extent of sand. A caravan slowly making its journey looked like a gloomy trail of mourners. It was like a death march in line with the setting sun.

"How long are you gonna stare at that?" a voice asked, sounding impatient. "Try drying yourself properly first will you?"

Kisa Shouta threw his gaze away from the huge framed picture by the wall and stared hard at the only other person in that room; to Cross who was currently pouring them both warm chocolate drink for their frozen bodies.

"Come here before this cools down," Cross added, sounding like he was giving an order. "Don't catch a cold. I won't take care of you."

The raven nonchalantly looked back at the picture hanging by the wall. In his eyes it looked alive than anything he'd seen in the day. He kept on staring at it like wanting to get inside it too.

"I've only got some cereals here. Want some?"

Kisa reached to the end of the borrowed cotton pants he was wearing and pulled the ends up to his knees as he gave a sigh. He even slowly darted his gaze back at the waiting bossy figure by the table as he started feeling a little grudge while he was rolling the sleeves of the sweat shirt too. Everything was over-sized.

"Don't blame me if I only have those sizes," Cross shrugged, smiling meaningfully.

"You purposely gave me these pink ones, didn't you?" Kisa asked, although surprisingly, he wasn't really angry.

"Don't I get a little fun after providing you a place from this storm?"

The raven merely gave a last defeated sigh before staring back at the picture of the desert. He watched it as though what was inside was moving, as if it was alive. If he didn't so much feel a slight grumble in his stomach, he would have remained standing there for much longer.

Finally deciding to sit down before the small octagon-shaped table, Kisa let the light-green towel that was lent to him dangle around his shoulders. He was feeling really cold earlier and the towel felt soothing against his skin.

Taking the cup of chocolate, Kisa then brought it to his lips. Before he savored the contents though, he mildly said, "You have an impressive place."

Cross sat at the edge of the table, arms against his chest. He boredly looked at his own place in the point of view of a stranger and he ended up sarcastically grinning. "What's so impressive in here? It's your regular 1LDK."

"That's why it's impressive." Kisa placed the cup down and started popping corn flakes in his mouth like biscuits. "I've imagined you're the kind of guy who lives in a pent house. The type who laughs devilishly while looking down the city."

Cross suddenly felt like chuckling. "That's some imagination."

"No, seriously. You're all mouthing how big-time you are. So suddenly seeing your place is just the same as most regular people is...is surprising."

The taller man slipped at the chair nearest to him and lazily started stirring his cup of the warm drink. "I tend to spend my bucks in more worthwhile things."

Kisa paused from eating, somehow intrigued.

"More worthwhile?"

"I like to travel."

"..."

Cross nodded at the painting of the desert that Kisa seemed to be so engrossed about and bashfully grinned. "I took that photo from when I visited Middle East last year."

The raven didn't have to say anything. His face revealed the shock and the disbelief.

"That picture too of the baby panda, is from China this year."

Kisa narrowed his eyes. "Who are you really?"

For a moment, Cross seemed to have been confused by the question. After contemplating how to answer, he merely gave an enigmatic smiled. "Your regular restless dude."

Kisa Shouta just stared at the other. He knew Cross was being his usual hard-to-pin self but the rattle of the wind and the pounding of the rain against the closed windows made everything feel sullen. Maybe it was just a moment of surprise. Because this time, Kisa was actually having such a regular conversation with the devil without the usual sexual innuendos the other was such an expert of.

Perhaps the raven had stared longer than he would normally have. Cross' left brow raised up, together with the corner of his lips following.

"What? Is that an invitation?" Cross asked, now back to his sultry way of approaching things.

"To be honest..." Kisa started, eyes still fixed at Cross. "It's the first time really that I looked at you. You're indeed the total package huh?"

Despite the other being half-naked, only having a dark-blue towel draped around his shoulders, he gave such a royal vibe although totally different than Yukina's graceful one. The messy red-hair, dark from wetness only emphasized that fixed or not, they'd fall down on the man's face on the right places. Eyes so pretty they were almost scary. Bestowed with a body that could make people think of the word 'unfair'.

However, despite all these physical attributes, Kisa knew it wasn't because of these that he find Cross a little tolerable now. He didn't even expect that this could happen. The more he gets to see Cross' actions and the more he get to hear the man's words, a certain form of attraction was little by little forming. Cross was the kind of man who really didn't mind showing all his despicable sides. Only a confident person could do that. And confidence was something Kisa felt like he'd been lacking. And what's left in him, he even lost.

"What? You just realized? Get the hell out and go have those eyes checked man."

Kisa took a sip of his chocolate slowly, allowing the bitter taste to permeate to his taste buds down to his throat. Cross didn't put sugar into it. But surprisingly, he liked the flavor more. Kisa couldn't understand why. Maybe because he was tired. Maybe because he just had a life and death motor-bike experience. Maybe being heart-broken had awakened a part of him he didn't know. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe Cross was contagious.

Just that there was complete calm inside Kisa as if he was floating.

"If I met you before hand, I probably would have gone hunting for you and aiming for you instead," the raven sighed. "I've always liked the dare-devil, no-strings-attached type of guys in the first place."

Cross whistled. "Not too late. We can catch up anytime."

Kisa placed his empty cup down. Maybe he'd gone insane too but he couldn't wipe the small smile creeping out of his lips.

"You think so?"

"..."

Green eyes continued watching the raven smile towards the cup. The thundering outside didn't even seem to matter. It couldn't invade Kisa's already muddled mind.

"I think so too," Kisa whispered, still gazing at the cup. "But I just couldn't help but wishing for that blasted real love that I finally got a hold of. It feels like nothing's going to be ever right. You know like a hole? A hole spreading as if it's going to eat away at me..." Kisa gripped the cup with his two hands and Cross could see the shaking. "Why did I ever fall for him? He's fucking straight, he's fucking insane his world revolves around a single woman...why him?"

"You know what...we're drinking chocolate not booze. So why the hell are you sounding like a drunk?" Cross rolled his eyes. "I am not the counselor for the broken-hearted. You keep on repeating the entire thing, aren't you getting tired? I am."

"I never planned on becoming serious..." Kisa continued, almost pitifully drawing both his knees up against his chest. He looked like a little abandoned child. "...it was all just a game...damn him."

Watching the raven was starting to tick Cross. Yet he just let the time stretch between them. Let the thunder slice through. And he just let the raven cry a little. When Kisa brought his puffy face up again from his knees, Cross was just there, chin on his clasped hands on the table.

"..."

"It's just a heart-break," Cross said mildly. "You'll gonna live."

Kisa drew his brows close and exhaled. "You ever felt like this at all? How can you be so strong?"

The other man stood and went to the gas range to boil some more water. Cross seemed to have become fed up with Kisa's heart broken woes that he appeared to have escaped. The man's broad back was the only thing Kisa could see and it made the raven more depressed.

"Did you know, my partner was extremely plain," Cross out of the blue revealed, slightly glancing a little towards Kisa before turning the fire off. "He's so plain you wouldn't notice him in a room full of people."

"Eh?" Kisa wasn't ready to believe that.

"Actually, you're even a hundred times more eye-catchy even in your miserable state now than in he's best appearance. I tried dressing him up and everything but there was no saving him."

"Huh?" Kisa cocked his head to the side. He wondered if Cross was joking to stop the whole night from being filled with his boring heart cries. "...you?"

"Yup," Cross nodded. He quietly made the both of them second cups of the hot chocolate. He did in silence and only when he had finished pushing Kisa's share did Cross open his mouth again. "I think he hypnotized me or something to ease his way in. After all, I like the cute or the pretty types so going out with him was ridiculous."

Kisa watched Cross smile a little. A smile so different from the man's usual. It was warm. It showed fondness.

"W-where's he now?" Kisa asked. He really did want to know. "You got tired of him?"

"No..." Cross laughed. "The ugly dumped me. It's laughable."

Slowly reaching to his cup, Kisa couldn't imagine the whole thing. If he'd be honest, he'd really think of the other way around.

"He didn't like the idea of me being an AV actor. He wanted me to quit just when I was just gaining popularity and earning a bunch."

"..."

Cross stirred his drink mindlessly, some almost spilling out. "I'd be honest with you. Keep it our little secret," the man whispered almost as if he was just playing around. However, seeing the seriousness of the glints in the man's eyes made Kisa think otherwise. "Most, even you, think what I'm doing is dirty. Well it is unusual... But I love my job. I'm proud of it. I'm way better than those thieves or murderers if I say so myself."

"..."

"Just you know," Cross looked at Kisa straightly, almost making Kisa flinch. "For him to ask me to give up the passion I've found for myself is just too much."

"..."

"One day I got home, he's not around anymore. It didn't even catch me by surprise."

Kisa looked down at his cooling down drink. Somehow he probably could understand why Cross' partner left the latter. It's not a good feeling when you know not everything's yours.

The raven glanced at the wall-clock. It said four in the morning. The storm outside showed no sign of weakening. If anything, it made the view outside the window a reflection of what was going inside him.

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

"That you didn't quit?"

Cross huffed. "'Course not."

Kisa frowned. "Did you even have an inch of feelings for him then?"

"Heh...feelings huh," the man closed his eyes. Languidly smiling, secretly reminiscing. "Come to think of it, I learned to actually like him. It bothered me when I saw him watching my AV projects in a corner while crying. But I wasn't that soft to give up my dreams for him."

"You're..." Kisa bowed his head. He suddenly wanted to cry now for a different reason. This Cross who could afford the most expensive apartments in Tokyo, staying in this regular 1LDK just for fun was starting become a lie for Kisa. _"You're actually waiting for him to come back home..."_

"He's better off without me," the man cocked his head to the side. "... And I am living my life well. We're just even. You'll eventually find the whole thing just a funny memory with time."

"..."

"Going back...It's not about being strong or anything actually," Cross looked at Kisa which almost made the latter almost fall from where he was sitting. Cross had probably read what Kisa was thinking and in response, the devil just smiled as though he was aware of it too. "It's...more like trying to find something else to busy yourself with when the memories start haunting you."

Kisa stared blankly at Cross, still unable to process that what he just heard were words from a man who always appeared to be so full of crap. Yet the last did make sense. So much that it made Kisa ponder things and why he was even inside this guy's shack in the first place.

He had wanted to think other things than Yukina. Kisa had wanted to forget that pounding pain, that stinging sensation. He had already given-up. He had to start something new, even if it was by piece and by scrap.

"With your non-existent career and non-existent lovelife, there's really no reason for you to hold back in exploring a new world, is there? Go make some use of that talent in acting. Act with me. Travel with me. Get wild. Whatever. So much things to do than mope over a straight guy."

The towel around Kisa's shoulders has long since found its way down the floor. It lay there in an untidy heap.

"How about starting with the proposal I offered you the very first time we met? I've seen the script and the plot. Pretty hot and dang intense."

Although it had been a considerable time since that first meeting happened, everything was still crystal clear in Kisa's mind. He was so disgusted and felt ridiculed during that time. He didn't like the idea of being in an AV, submitting to someone he doesn't even know. But hearing it now and hearing everything else, it rang differently in his ears.

Kisa found himself smiling a little. Truly, devils are always good with words.

"I'll think about it."

Cross perked up.

"Really?"

Glancing at the photo of the desert that Kisa found really attractive, the raven realized something. He had been deeply rooted where he was, not thinking of anything else for himself. He needed the space to pull himself back. Maybe it wasn't going to be a bad idea if he gave it a try.

"Not the AV thing," Kisa softly mumbled, eyeing Cross with a calm and sincere gaze.

"Then what?"

"Travelling. I'll think about it."

* * *

**chapter end notes:**

We're almost there people. Argh...

~~~~~shuusetsu

up-dates on my profile! XD


	20. Chapter 20

**Regrets I**

* * *

Yukina Kou knew. He just knew. He wouldn't survive this.

After everything he'd been going through the entire time in the hospital; Kia, her parents and their bullshit, _this_... was the final blow.

* * *

He entered the house. As if he was walking on eggshells, he trudged from the back entrance down to the hall. An eerie silence accompanied by the slight pounding of the drizzle against the window panes filled in the space. Yukina slowly took his bonnet off his head, clutching it tightly in his hand.

The living room was dark. The curtain they had forgotten to pull down ages ago was the only source of light from the lamp post outside and the meager light the moon was extending down. Yukina wanted to laugh at the absurdity but nothing came out of his lips. Everything felt ages ago. When in truth, all this mayhem had just happened at the expanse of seventy-two hours.

He felt for the wall and flicked on the light.

He gazed around. The living room was a mess as how they left it. He looked further away, noticing the drawer slightly left open. And Yukina had to turn away. He didn't want to remember how Kisa had looked, slipping on again that abominable piece of accessory that started all this chaos. He didn't want to remember the resignation in the man's eyes as he tried to make way for them to divert the reporters' attention. But who was Yukina kidding? This was his fault. He started it all.

The wig. Asking Kisa the impossible. And Kisa making the impossible possible just for him. Yukina gritted his teeth, pulling his phone out of his jeans.

Forty-eight missed calls from his manager. A couple of messages from fellow actors. Yet none from someone he was dying to hear from. There was nothing from Kisa Shouta. None at all.

He sighed loudly and started picking up random pieces of clothes off the floor. He carried them off to Kia's room and all but tossed them all on top of a chair. He didn't even know why he came here at all. All Yukina wanted to do was rest. Just a few hours of sleep. A few silence in his home. But before he realized it he was already circling around Kisa Shouta's neighborhood. His subconscious had labelled this place home and he was too tired to contradict anything at this point.

After closing the room that served as Kia's, Yukina found himself staring at the closed door to the farthest side of the hall. A storage room, that was what it was. A crammed, humid space where Kisa had tossed most of his belongings just to make a room for Kia and for him. Yukina's brows drew together as he approached the door. He gingerly pushed the door open to find a folded futon on the floor. Clothes crammed inside a cabinet they were almost sticking out. Boxes of papers which seemed like numerous scripts. He took one slow step inside after another. To the left side of the wall was a calendar with Yukina's stoic face. Yukina could barely remember it as a project for a liquor advertisement. _The drink of royalty_, it said. And all Yukina wanted to do was tear the calendar away.

Kisa had done so much for him. So much more than those people who claimed they were his friends. Kisa had rescued him so many times. The man was always there to come save the day for him.

And now 72 hours later after his latest fuck-up, he still couldn't reach Kisa and it was driving him up the walls. Jaws working, he was ready punching the wall. But the sound of his phone shrilly in the silence stopped him from doing so.

Shaking his head, he reached for his phone. He hoped it was Kisa but it wasn't. He had no intention of answering the call, but the name flashing on his screen was someone he'd grown to trust too the past couple of days.

"Kagetora-san?" Yukina started tiredly. "Has Kisa-san contacted you yet-"

_"Turn the fucking TV you hopeless bastard."_

Yukina frowned and hesitantly went back to the living room where he even had to search for the remote under the throw pillows. When he turned the TV on, it was as though someone had punched him in the gut and back.

_"The Enamoto family has confirmed that Yukina Kou's engagement to their only daughter is again back on track... this is a statement by Yukina Kou from his publicist-"_

Shaking, Yukina stared, glared at the TV with Kagetora obviously cursing him through the phone he placed in loud speaker.

_"What the fuck way to complicate things Yukina. If you've made your decision about this, would it hurt to tell Kisa first? I can't contact him, I don't fucking know where he is!"_

"I... I've never released a statement... I never..."

But 'his' statement was plastered all over the screen for the world to see.

_"Enamoto Kia has been the first woman in my life. And whether she's carrying another man's child, she's the same woman I care and love. -Yukina Kou"_

There was a buzzing inside Yukina's head. The sound of the surmounting chaos that kept piling and piling all over him.

"I didn't-"

_"Then do something."_

Turning his back from the TV, Yukina pressed the speed dial on his phone the screen almost broke. It got answered the first ring.

_"Oh Yukina I'm glad you called-"_

"What publicist? What the hell is going on?" Yukina snapped. "What I said when I talked to Kia's parents was that I would think about it! That I will talk with her once she's much better! What the fucking hell-"

_"Yukina,"_ the woman said soothingly. _"This isn't the time to be angry. We should be rejoicing right now don't you know? Your poll is rising and many are already contacting me for interviews. Selfless love... that's selling like hotcakes at the moment... it's good for your image... you know the whole prince and fairy tale thing... this is what the masses want."_

Yukina looked all around him, allowing his manager to blabber. Waiting her to be finished.

_"There was a paparazzi at the hospital when Kia's parents showed up. We just need to play along what they're writing up for out benefit. Just like we've been doing when scandals show up... now I want you to clean yourself up and come show your handsome face here in the office as we need to talk about-"_

"Aren't you done yet?" Yukina hissed. His voice so soft and sharp that it cut the woman off right away in mid sentence. "You done?"

_"Excuse me?"_

"I'm fucking tired of your bullshit. This is my fucking life and you think you can just roll it out like that how you want?"

_"Yukina Kou. Are you forgetting something? I am your manager!"_

"I've allowed myself to be manipulated by you because I've got nothing better to do. But don't you fucking mess with me and the important things going on with my life right now."

_"Excuse me?!"_ the woman shrieked. _"You and I have a contract and I am just doing my job for what's best for you! We have legal bindings-"_

Yukina smiled. A fed-up smile he'd rarely used. A smile with murder in his eyes.

"Try me."

He didn't wait for the woman or any of her words. He dropped the call. And he blankly stared at the television before him. This was the part where it started falling apart. The part where his chest hurt. So much so he wanted to claw it until it bleeds. He wanted to cry. But no tears came. He just whimpered. At the massive void right before him. At the massive emptiness right inside him.

He hesitantly pulled his phone out again. He searched and scrolled his phone, pressing for Kisa's number. He wasn't expecting anything. Kisa hadn't been answering his phone since the mayhem and he knew Kisa wouldn't be answering still. GPS was not even an option. But he called the number anyway. He just needed to do something. Anything.

The ringing continued against his ears. Fed up with the fake news, he turned away from the TV and stared outside. Towards the rain outside his window which was relentless in painting his days gray.

_"Hello?"_

Yukina nearly dropped his phone. "K-Kisa-san?!" he spluttered like an idiot.

Kisa laughed. A small soft one. _"What is it? My phone is about to explode with your calls."_

The man could feel his core shaking that he even had to seek support from the nearby wall. Why the hell was this voice enough to suck the breath from him away?

"W-where are you?" he asked cautiously.

There was an agonizing and long silence before the other man replied. _"Just... somewhere. Plans got escalated and now well... I'm busy."_

"Plans...?"

_"By the way congrats."_

"Huh- hang on! What are you-"

"I'm leaving Yukina."

That was when Yukina almost sank to the floor.

"Leaving? Kisa-san... where, what is..." Yukina closed his eyes. Even his own words didn't make any sense. He was just seeing pure red. He needed to calm down. He knew that. But he freaking couldn't. "Kisa-san... if it's the news... please listen to me first..."

"..."

"Please... stay. Let's talk first... please... let's..." Yukina knew he was already just a muttering mess at that moment. Unable to voice out his point. Unable to say the things he want because his head, his chest was one jumbled mess. "Please don't... I don't know. Let's meet right now. Where are you-"

Kisa sighed. And the amused tone he had earlier turned into one so cold it was scalding.

_"If you really wanted me in your life Yuki... you could have showed me."_

* * *

chapter end notes:

Thank you so much for your patience and never ending support with my fanfictions, and with my author dreams! Hehe. I do read all your messages and reviews even when I'm very late at replying. :) Thanks again.

Ps.

Ichigo, I started one paragraph because of you. Before I knew it, I finished the chapter. Haha. Thanks!

~shuusetsu


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